A
male
age
26-29,
*leepingHero12
writes:hey guys i'm new here and i don't know where else to go to. i need some advice. i've been in an amazing relationship with this girl and she is the jewel of my life. i have a vast sexual history, however she does not. she is so new to the whole sex thing that i was her first everything. i was her first kiss and she is very naive regarding sex. that does not mean she isn't interested, she very much is, she just doesn't know what to do. well the problem is that when she gives me a bj i can't stay hard. she tries her best and i try my hardest to stay aroused but she really doesn't know what she's doing down there. she takes like these weird pauses in order to examine what she's doing and that takes me out of the experience, she also just doesn't know the basics. i've never had this problem before. what do i do? i love this girl, but it's almost impossible to stay hard when she constantly fumbles around down there. please help me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): You say you have a lot of experience, but there is still something that you have not learned – how to communicate. If you want to improve your relationship with this girl, you will talk to her. Tonight go down on her and as you go, ask her what she likes, tell her that you want her to let you know when you are doing something that really turns her on – either by saying so or by making noises that clearly indicate her pleasure. Then when she goes down on you – you do the same thing - you tell her what you like, what turns you on. This does not just apply to blowjobs, it applies to everything you do in bed – and also outside of bed too. If you want your relationship to grow, you will communicate with your partner – it is fundamental to a lasting relationship…
A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (15 October 2015):
I'm not going to judge you.. But if you just want to help her.. it helps to tell her which action of hers excites you.. That's the simplest and nicest way to let her know that she is doing the right thing. It better than to tell her what not to do. Try asking her to do something for you. She is new. If you are happy and excited she will try harder to make you feel that way. At the same time, do let her explore. It's never a comfortable experience to do it the first time and I bet she is already pretty awkward. Tell her it's okay for her to feel so and that you're there for her. You can help her learn and it will be a good experience for you both.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): Wasn't trying to chastise you or anything I just dont think there are many words to help her figure out how to do it right. Time is the only thing that can help I suppose because everybody gets better with time. I thing her taking pauses is because its difficult to get used to to start with. How long has this issue been going on for?
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 ALL I was saying is if you get too carried away with your own pleasure, you might start to expect her to live up to everything you expect and have experienced previously, whether you realise it or not... Just try focusing on her pleasure more- because if she's turned on, she'll be more receptive, in the moment not and things will come naturally... ALSO if she's aroused, that should likely be a turn on for you, which may help you stay hard... Why don't you just take things as they come, relax and focus on enjoying the moment together, hit or miss, like another poster said- it's not like it's the end of the world things aren't going perfectly for YOU... I honestly think you do need to give more consideration to the fact she's probably taking it as a blow that you can't stay hard with her, and she most probably IS feeling inadequate- just because she knows your past- not saying youre necessarily making her feel like that.So be REASSURING, GENTLE and find anything to give her praise on. Like I mentioned before there's nothing wrong with gently telling/ showing her what feels good... Just do it tactfully...
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A
male
reader, SleepingHero12 +, writes (14 October 2015):
SleepingHero12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that I need to be patient. That isn't the issue, maybe I wasn't clear enough in my original question. What I am asking is for tips to help bring up the subject to casually help her down there. How do I bring this topic up to her without making her feel inadequate, sad, or other unwanted feelings? I want to make her feel more comfortable so that we all win the end. I'm not asking her to be a pornstar, I'm not rushing her, I'm being respectful. But if I can't stay hard while she's down there she will know she is doing something wrong. Don't judge my relationship and say I make her feel insecure. Im asking for tips, not to be chastised.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (13 October 2015):
For a virgin, giving a BJ is extremely daunting for her- she's trying her best and does sound like a gem! Some girls just won't do it, and don't expect it done to them either. With my first bf, it took me a while before I actually agreed to giving him a BJ- I'll be honest, I found it uncomfortable, so I did what Janniepeg said pretty much- used my hands, which is easier to learn what you're doing obviously, and then sort of used my mouth round the head... when I felt comfortable... I did that before I gave him a full BJ...it's all a learning curve.What are you doing to find out what she wants? If you get HER aroused, not only are you returning the favour, (which should also be your big focus, along with getting yourself off) but when she's aroused, things will come more naturally to her... you'll both be more receptiveBe kind, patient, and just tell her patiently, or show her- it's not a buzz kill, we all need to learn and it just enforces trust and intimacy between the two of you, if she seems upset that you're telling her what to do, and she feels inadequate, just explain this.So encourage her to do what SHE feels comfortable with, take it down a notch and just be satisfied with a hand job... Remember she's not obliged to do anything she's not comfortable with... maybe in the future but you have no right to make her feel any pressure to live up to your past expectations... just in case it gets to that stage. Good luck anyway,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2015): Please don't lie there thinking she has to be amazing to please you, why don't you go to bed with her without these thoughts in your head. If she's inexperienced she isn't going to know how to do these thing. When I first had sex I was really scared of everything, a penis was a bit daunting and giving a blow job was nerve wracking. You cant change that you just need to be patient and give it some time.Every woman has been there, giving a blow job and the guy has gone a bit soft. I know I experienced that when I was young and didnt know how to to things properly. But I guess it didnt make me feel bad I just moved on to something else like kissing his body or massages. I think the best thing you can do is go to bed without some kind of time scale and touch her and get comfortable with each other.The first time I gave somebody a blow job and I knew they liked it is when he was also going down on me and it was slow. If she takes deep breaths and pauses its because of her gag reflex. Just lie there and ask her to kiss you down there or lick you. Its not a race or something and take your time.She will get better and you should feel kind of happy that shes a virgin and experience everything with you. She'll get better each time. Dont lie there expecting it to be horrible. It will get better and because you adore her so much and have a great relationship it will be even better. Going to bed and fooling around whether its a bit hit and miss right now is still fun. Take your time and just relax with each other. Turn her on as best you can, when a man does all the right things to me I perform better too.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 October 2015):
 She's a virgin so she is not expected to know the basics. You are at different levels. While you had exes to compare, she is just exploring. You know, for my first time, the penis is like a big snake, pumping with blood, full of life. My hand shook when I felt that energy. None of the time was spent on how to make him hard. Your experience with her should be exciting, because this is her first and you are honored to share this with her. Your wording sounds like you are disappointed that a trainee waiter didn't deliver good service at the table. If you can't stay hard then stroke yourself. Some girls have gag reflex and they should be allowed to take a breath and give the mouth a rest. She can do a handjob and lick you if she can't do oral for a long time. She would notice if you lose erection and it might prompt her to suck at it again. Don't make this a big problem. If you do that it would take away the joy from her. You want to encourage her and not make her insecure about her inexperience. Let her learn at her own pace. The most you could say to her was you wish she could stay there longer.
For a prostitute or a porn star, she is supposed to know what she is doing. For a girlfriend though, sex is more than just getting hard and being able to orgasm. There is no rush to be good at sex. I would also not depend so much on others to stay hard. I don't think virgins or many girls have the mindset that it's their job to get a man hard. It's more like, if it's hard, then it's enjoyable to suck. If it goes limp, then wait until a better time to do it.
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