A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I can't stand the sight of my husband. I dread his return from work every day. Almost everything about him annoys me. His facial expressions, the way he stands, the topics he talks about... My husband is a really good man! He is very loyal and if he knew how I felt, it would destroy him. We have been married for 27 years. I have such guilt and sadness over how I feel. I almost cringe every time he touches me. We have not had sex for 2 months. He would love to, I am the one who is not interested. We have been through so much together. Our 22 year old son is a childhood cancer survivor, then a couple of years ago he was diagnosed with another cancer. It required months of treatment far away from where we live. I went with our son to the out of state hospital, so I have been away from home for months at a time. I can't say for sure when my feelings of irritation towards my husband started... Maybe during the time my son's health required so much separation (?). I often ask myself why I feel this way and I honestly don't have a good answer. Perhaps I feel my husband didn't spend enough time at the hospital with our son? But I also know and understand that we really needed the health insurance my husband's job provides, and my husband was trying to be a valuable enough employee so that he would not loose his job. Maybe I'm just worn out from the last couple of years? I have no real answers. Please help. We are both very religious people, devoted parents of 2 grown children, and we are loyal to each other and have never had affairs. How can I make myself snap out of this? I don't want to be like this. I wish I felt differently.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I so understand what you are feeling! I have been married for 19 year. My husband has been deployed with the Army for much of that time. In the last few years I have felt exactly the same way. I hate to even look at him, let alone for him to even touch me. Everything he does sets me on edge. He is not demanding, does not cheat, nothing. The few things that do irritate me that I wish he would work on is that he is slightly over weight and that he has no hobbies. This just makes me resent him even worse when he is just sitting around reading a book or watching tv. I don't know why it bothers me, I need to lose some weight too.
I guess when all is said and done, I do sort of have some repressed anger in raising our 3 kids alone with little to no help. I am tired. I resent when he comes home and tries to act like he knows what he is doing and how to do it better when he really has no clue. Again, the rational part of me knows that this is not his fault. After observing his parents though, I am fairly confident that he would possibly still have acted this way anyway.
I know my husband is a really good man, a good dad and very loyal. I want to make this work and I feel like this is something that I need to deal with and get over. I want this to work out so that we can have a happy future together but I do not know how to move forward. I don't even know if this post makes any sense right now...
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2011):
 Amateur pop psychology here: you have buried anger that you haven't dealt with. Intellectually you know that you shouldn't feel it, so you deny you have it and try to carry on as normal. However, you can't carry on as normal because the accumulated weight of responsibility, fear, worry and that repressed anger is spilling out in these thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.We won't be able to help you through this. You have to acknowledge that you need to see a professional to work through it. A psychologist, psychiatrist or other qualified therapist would be your best bet. It's not an easy or comfortable thing to have to work through these things, but if you sincerely and truly want to repair this, you have to deal with it, up front and for real by seeing a professional.Good luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 July 2011):
 Unfortunately this is a fairly frequent occurrence among parents who have either lost a child or nearly lost a child. Each person copes differently with that kind of stress/trauma and handles it differently, so you both grow apart and frequently one person grows to resent the other (things like, how could he/she not spend enough time at the hospital, how could he/she move on so quickly, etc...). This kind of thing is incredibly tricky to navigate and you'll both want to see a counselor if possible.You should sit down and really talk about dealing with your son's illness. It might help for him to understand how horrendously difficult it was for you to watch your child go through this and for you to understand that it wasn't that he didn't care or didn't love your son, but that he deals with things differently. In my limited experience with this (just from speaking with several close friends), it seems that parents in these situations often feel some guilt for talking about how this affects them, since it can feel selfish or like you're not devoting 100% to your son or like it's taking away from your child to talk about yourself, but it's not at all true.I'm so sorry you went through that kind of experience with your son, no one should have to feel that.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 July 2011):
 It does sound like the stress that has been building up has finally caught up to you. After 27 years it sounds like perhaps you've been bottling up a lot of resentment, fears, and anger. On some level, you may think your husband is partly responsible for some of the disappointments you've faced in your life or he is sympathetic to your plight.
It is good that you recognize that you do indeed have a problem and now is a time to figure out what is behind it.
You may want to explore your feelings with your local religious leader or enlist the help of a professional. Sometimes, hospitals have free or low cost counseling sources for families whose members have had cancer.
In addition, next time you feel angry, explore why you feel this way. Perhaps there is a trigger point or something that precipitated your feelings.
Finally, you may want to talk to your husband about the feelings you've had the frustrations that you are experiencing -- including feeling powerless over the challenges you are facing. He should be your rock during difficult times. By opening up to him, you can work together in finding solutions.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (17 July 2011):
Go to your doctor immediately and tell him or her all of this. Your age bracket may be affecting your feelings due to hormonal shifts and suchlike. You owe it to yourselves as a couple to work things out, and if the cause is physical that will make things easier.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): We're all subject to irrational thoughts and feelings from time to time, and unfortunately they often seem to concern someone near and otherwise dear to us. Our mind and emotions can terrible things when they run wild in such a way; if we act on what our moods are telling us here and now, when the storm finally passes (because it inevitably will), chances are we'll bitterly regret it. I know exactly what you're going through; I felt this way about my boyfriend a while back. At one point it got so bad I even considered leaving him - the sweetest, most understanding and loyal man I'd ever met! It was only when I forced myself to stop and ask "but what exactly has he done?" that something clicked. After then, every time the irritation would begin to rise I'd pause and affirm with all my conviction "these thoughts are not mine." Within a fortnight the feelings were gone. I don't know if this approach would work for you but perhaps it's worth a try. Please try to be as rational as you can at all times. Tell your husband how you're feeling too - I put my poor boyfriend through days and days of confusion by keeping him in the dark about what I was going through. You mention you're both religious; could there be support to be found at the church? Never stop reminding yourself of the good times you've had together, of everything you've been through. Don't throw it all away over an emotional state which will more than likely turn out to be transient. I wish you the best of luck with this! Take care and God Bless :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): Try changing your routine and find new activities to do together to recapture that spark.
What made you two fall in love 27 years ago? Try to find a way to recreate that feeling.
...............................
|
