A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so im fairly certain that i want to break up with my girlfriend. We've been together for almost 9 months now and in her eyes everything is going great. But a few months ago I found out she s not a virgin(I am a virgin). Ive tried to let time pass and to just work it out and try and convince myself that it doesnt matter, but its just not working. I cant stand it. I mean I love her for everything else and who she is, but I just cant get over this, its literally all I ever think about, and im sick of it. I guess I have several problems here. The first is that I cant stand she is not a virgin, but the thing is, it seems like im the only person that this would bother. Like all my friends and people at school, im sure majority of them wouldnt think twice about this. So am I just the problem here? Also if I decide to break up with her I dont want to do it out of the blue. Because to here everything is fine. How could I try to lead on that im not happy and things are bothering me without directly saying it? I really dont want to break her heart, or break up with her for that matter. I mean she adores me, and I mean the world to her, she even said that. But im just a complete emotional wreck inside and I don’t think I can take it any longer. I just don’t know what to do.. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Im in the same situation... I am also having second thoughts about the relationship... On the one hand, its just sex, just a physical action that results in physical pleasure, but as everyone has probably experienced, the mind often has a greater influence on a person than the body.. Every time I think about what my girlfriend has done with other guys (She started having sex when she was 15, and has had sex and/or oral sex with over 7 guys), it just disgusts me. I really want to get past it and just "join the circle" of a normal person my age (18) and have sex, but at the same time I dont wanna be disgusted with myself for giving my virginity to someone who doesnt care about it
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): No pinktopaz I disagree. With all due respect I think you are wrong here. Maturity and age won't fix it. Not being a virgin won't fix it either.
People bring up this problem a lot and the stories are always similar. Time passing or more sexual experience won't heal the hurt over stuff your partner did with others. Either you feel hurt by it or you don't. There are coping strategies but that does not stop the pain it causes.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 November 2010):
No...I'm just saying that it's not logical to be emotional about something like this, but then I guess emotions aren't necessarily logical. Breaking up with someone and being upset that someone isn't a virgin are two completely different things. Of course I'm not in your shoes (I'm guessing you're the OP) but I was simply asking if you would feel "emotional" about this if you also were not a virgin? With age and maturity, something like this probably will not bother you. For now, if you want to break up with someone for not being a virgin then that's your prerogative, you can't change how you feel.
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female
reader, Natalie:)  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 you will almost certainly regret leaving a good girl because of something she did in her past.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Pinktopaz, you are expecting logic to stop emotional pain. It does not work like that.
The next time you break up with a BF, try to tell yourself to stop feeling hurt about it because that hurt serves you no logical benefit and the breakup is for the best. It doesn't work very well to stop the hurt, does it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): The retroactive jealousy question is very common on here. What I also find common is the 'get over it' reaction from women. I don't think they are grasping this young man's dilemma properly.
This is not about some casual fling or just 'going out and having fun'. It sounds as if they really love each other (or at least as much as you do at that age - remember we're talking 16-17 here, folks) and have been together 9 months. Hardly rushing into things, are we? Refreshing.
It's not about whether this guy will have a problem dealing with non-virgins when he's 25 or 30 or 35 - assuming, of course, this relationship doesn't last the course. It's about NOW, at the age of 16-17 and deciding he is ready to make love to someone he absolutely loves. It's blatantly obvious from the posting that this is a decent guy, who doesn't just jump into bed with someone but for whom sex is a big deal between two people who love each other.
Good for him. There is a big myth that all guys go round sleeping with everyone under the sun and that it is just 'an act'. Sorry, ladies, many of us regard it as something a bit more and for those types of guy, knowing that the person you love and want to be your first perhaps values it less because they gave it away so freely (based on the age, not an unfair assumption) can be really heartbreaking.
This guy is obviously hurting and he is not in the least shallow for being sensible in addressing a genuine concern. What he is feeling is perfectly natural. Remember what it was like being 16-17? If this is really affecting him as much as he says it is he is doing the right thing in thinking about it, but if this is a dealbreaker for him, it's a dealbreaker. People are different. If it's doing his head in, it's not going to be a healthy relationship and it would be unfair on his girlfriend.
Mate, there are lots of questions on retroactive jealousy on here. Have a search and a good read. You'll find SOME of the responses helpful.
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female
reader, possumm.  +, writes (16 November 2010):
are you very religious? or is it just a personal thing?
i think perhaps you should maybe just take a step bakc and think, why does it bother you so much? what is the core of the reason why you feel like this?
If you really truly love her then obviously breaking up over something like this shouldnt be an option, how do you think that would make her feel if you broke up for the reason that she had already had sex?
just try and talk it over with her, make sure you communicate, otherwise things are sure to end badly. Just try to step outside the box for a bit and look at things from the outside.
Hope this helps :)
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (16 November 2010):
Well if you want to break up with her over that then that's your decison. But the older you get the less likely you are to date any virgins anyway....so good luck with that. Are you somewhat jealous that she's already been with someone and you haven't? I don't really understand the concept of it consuming you to where you don't want to even be with her especially if you have a good relationship and care for one another. If you were't a virgin would you still feel the same way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Alright dude, I feel your pain. I can't stand the thought of dating a girl who is not a virgin. Not because I think it makes them bad or anything. Sex is designed to bond a man and a woman together; to combine two souls into one. This is proven in science and religion. I don't know if you are religious or not, but if you are, you know God designed sex as a way for a husband and wife to become one. If your not religious, science still confirms this fact. During the orgasm, chemicals called endorfants are released in your brain that are designed to bond you with whoever you are with. The more people you have sex with, the less effective the bond. My problem is that I'm afraid that any girl who has had sex before won't have as strong a bond with me as I have with her. It's completely stupid, and a complete waste of my brain power (what little I have). I'm 21 now, and I know at this point there are no girls who I could connect with in more important ways than sex who have saved themselves. I'll never get to experience being totally exclusive to someone, and it shouldn't matter.
If you really love this girl, it is stupid to break up with her for this reason only. Talk to her dude, tell her it bothers you. Before you do this, figure out if its an attachment issue, or if you're just concerned about sloppy seconds or whatever. Be careful what you say and how you say it. Girls get highly offended (I know from experience) when questioned in a disrespectful way about such things. Don't make the same mistakes as me and regret them. I really wish I could have my ex back.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (16 November 2010):
 These are interesting. I had a really close friend who met a guy who was like you - a virgin. She was not a virgin, and the guy, believing that the woman he was going to be with would be "sexually pure" broke up with her.
But he couldn't get her out of his mind, so they began an on-again, off-again relationship, where he would often bring up her sexual past that he couldn't get over. They broke up over it three more times, and the fourth time he tried to get back together with her, she refused him, saying that unless he could accept her for who she was, history and all, he shouldn't waste her time any longer.
Three weeks went by.
They got back together. They eventually got married, and now have three kids together, the house, the careers, the American dream. He even says that he feels so stupid for making it as big of a deal as he did, and blames his hyper-religious upbringing for building that up in him: the model of a virginal maiden wife.
My point is - in the scheme of things, there are traits in the woman you love that far outweigh virginity.
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reader, drog +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Why does it bother you in the first place? Sure, sex is a very common thing nowadays and we like to think that only those who are pure and unsullied are virgins. But this is not the case, I'm sure. She seems very sweet and perhaps that's something you need to focus on. I'm sure she has tons of other flaws that you choose to ignore because you care so much for her. Perhaps, this can be one of those things that you let leave your mind and focus on who she is now and who she is with now.
I assure you, she is not the same person she was when she lost her virginity. So why linger on her past?
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reader, mhunterjumper +, writes (16 November 2010):
It's normal for guys to like virgins, but you have to move on. It's one thing if she has slept with one or two people as opposed to ten or more. I felt the same way when I found out he wasn't a virgin-- but I got over it because the more time I spent with him, the more good things in him I found. Nobody's perfect and everybody has different reasons as to why they lost their virginity. Maybe she was just "young and foolish" or she really meant to. The choice was hers, and you can't do anything about it. Breaking up with her for that one reason would be silly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Most guys don't care about a girl's sexual past as long as they're just looking for fun. But once they get serious about a girl it's another story entirely. What you feel IS TOTALLY NORMAL no matter what anyone tries to make you think about it.
Search the site for past questions. This is one of the most common problems on it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): You're overreacting. What are you going to do when you're 25 and still a virgin and many people your age have had 5 or 6 sex partners?
If you're know it isn't a big deal (which you do), then you need to find a way to move on. Breaking up with a girl simply because she isn't a virgin is pretty shallow. Figure out how to deal with your emotions by reading some self-help books, first of all. Keep telling yourself it's not a big deal that she isn't a virgin, and soon you'll believe it yourself.
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