A
female
age
41-50,
*z.SD
writes:Hello, I am 29 years old and have been married for 11 years today. I have two boys 7 and 2. Today is my anniversary and I am miserable! Instead of celebrating I feel sad, like if I'm serving a life sentence. I can't stand my husband. I married him at age 18. Since then I have matured. I can't stand the fact that he is still the same. He act like a child. I have to take care of everything. He will do any foot work I request but when it comes to using his brain it wont happen! He had trouble holding jobs because he lacks communication skills and motivation. So I decided he needed to get and education. We are both finishing up our BA in social work. Oh and thats another thing we atttend class together all day. I feel like he is a huge monkey on my back. I do all of his homework and baby him. I do this because if he doesn't pass his classes we dont recieve all of our student grant. Anyway, I feel suffocated. This may sound terrible but think about having an affair. I am miserable but I stay so my boys can enjoy a family structure. After all it could be worse.Right? What should I do? H-E-L-P
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (26 September 2009):
 I am so sorry for what you're going through. You are really hurting over this. So maybe something's got to be looked at.
It would've been nice to say happy anniversary to you, but it seems that's not something you're interested in reading about.
Here's your problem in a nutshell. Your husband has failed to mature along with you during the entire time of your marriage.
The interesting thing is, that having gone to the same classes together, and spending all of that time together, one would think that this would be an opportunity of a lifetime -- to mature together.
For instance, instead of you doing his homework for him, and babying him, what if for once he engaged in some critical thinking with you about the issues that you're studying together?
I mean if you're going to get into the same coursework, then instead of one of you dragging the dead monkey behind you, the two of you could be doing much more together and actually learning and growing together.
I wish there were an easier solution, but perhaps what he needs to do is start paying attention to you, you as a woman not as the mother of two kids and not as HIS mother doing his homework for him.
This leads me to the other issue, which I think is really simmering way below the surface. Is he taking you for granted? In other words ignoring you, what you think and so forth?
As couples grow older together, they usually find a way to support each other emotionally and keep the connection happy and alive. What you're saying is that he's ignoring that emotional connection and sort of sitting there, not doing much and only doing what he's told.
The solution to this dilemma is not an affair. That's just going to make things worse in the end. You'll be unhappy because the affair's a temporary fix. It might give you some excitement, and maybe even satisfy some other emotional and sexual needs; but in the end you're either going to stick with your family, or break it up. In either event, there's a heartbreak in there. So before you go with that, try something else.
The something else is simple. You have to sit down with your husband, look him in the eye and tell him that you need him to grow up and be a man instead of the third child in your marriage. What I mean by that is simple. You two have two children and you have a relationship that's strained.
He has to know and you have to tell him what he needs to do to be a better man for you. Seriously, that's what he needs to know. So far he hasn't figured it out. Maybe he's clueless. But the fact of the matter is, with two kids under your belt, he's throwing a huge burden on you. And he's not even doing his own schoolwork.
He needs to have your back too, not just you covering him.
It stands to reason that if you two have been married this long, he's going to realize that what you're telling him is the truth and, he probably will listen to you.
But if you let this simmer under the surface and you don't communicate this forcefully enough to him so he understands it completely, he's never going to know why you want to stray from your marriage.
If this is so important to you, and I think it is, then its worth the try first. That's all.
Think of it this way, if he listens to you, will that make things better for the two of you? Maybe he'll actually start pulling more of the weight and let you rest a bit more.
Its a thought worth pursuing. At least this way you won't feel so bad and if you do leave, or stray or take whatever course of action you take, it won't be unexpected to him. Maybe it'll be the wakeup call that he needs to start thinking about you first finally.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (26 September 2009):
 Oh my, if I could turn back the clock to when I was 23 years old, I would NOT have had an affair, but would have dealt with the problem head on. I too was in a marriage that grew stale within the first few years and my husband was the same way -- no communicaton skills, hated social situations, and just never seemed to grow as a person. Instead of going to counseling or just getting a divorce, I had an affair, which led to another affair and long story short, I just prolonged the inevitable and it was more of a blow to my husband when I finally did pull the plug on our dead end marriage. Affairs just end up making your life more complicated and are more hurtful in the long run. Maybe through counseling things will change. If not, you should get out while you're still young enough to start a new life. xoxox
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A
female
reader, samurai girl +, writes (26 September 2009):
 You need to pack your bags, take your kids and move in with your mother. You only have *2* kids, not THREE! If he won't grow up and man up, then you don't show up. Why are you putting yourself and your kids through this? Eleven years to figure out he's a loser? You can do better and you can do it by yourself. Don't have an affair. Do the honorable thing and be a good role model for your kids. What kind of family structure do you have that is positive for your children? Honestly. Sounds like none. Maybe if you show him that you didn't sign up for the junk he's throwing down, that'll spur him to change.Good luck.
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