A
female
age
36-40,
*aundice
writes:I am obsessed with my partners ex girlfriend. I keep on looking at her web site, her facebook and myspace account. I call her on private number and text her pretending to be someone else to try and get information and to make her think that i don't care and that my partner has moved on. I would ring her house phone and mobiles. I would also contact her friends via facebook, myspace or call them. When I see her I get hot like I want to kill her and seeing her spoils my day. I try to compete with her, dress and act like her. I think she is amazing and compared to her I think I am nothing. I always talk and think about her everyday. She never used to bother me, but ever since a few years ago my partner had left me and our child for her and my confidence and self worth just went. I took him back after she left him but I can never trust him like I did before.I know she hates him with a passion and I believe he still loves her as he would do anything for her back in the day. He says he loves me and he wants me. They havn't spoken for nearly 2 years now, and this all happened in 2006 but even everyone else has moved on I havn't, I want her to suffer and feel like she made me feel. I know all my calls and stalking her stressing her out but how do I get her out of my head and stop trying to be better then her or thinking she is better, I want to have confidence and start valuing myself again. I am not a lesbian, I am not in love with her but the way I behave it feels like I'm in hate with her.
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confidence, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, lesbian, myspace, stalking, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have the man so I know my problem is getting over the past, I do have a personality a hot body and good looks and that is what attracted him to me! I just think it isn't enough that's why he left. I suppose he was scared and he just stuck with who and what he knew. He has realised that she wasn't all that and she never loved him like I do because where is she now? I am here because I love him and will stick by him no matter what. He says he is sorry, I beleive him. I guess I have to GROW UP.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Yes it was getting arrested that made me stop. I was sending up to 50 texts a day full of death threats and the like and at the time I truly meant it. When I was arrested my phone was taken as evidence and my computer so everything that i used against her was removed. I was humiliated in court and was v lucky not to get a prison sentance. My partner left me as he was so ashamed of me. He didn't go to her but left anyway. I am actually glad that this hppened to me as I was waging a war on this woman and am not sure what would have happened if i had been allowed to continue. I was not allowed to go within a mile of her etc etc. i also lost my job as it was in the papers. I had 6 months councelling - don't think that helped at all as I got nothing from it but having my 'machines' removed broke the spell for me. Don't let this situation come to this for you. Just leave her alone and stop looking into anything to do with her / about her and you will be fine. One day at a time. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): You should stop acting like her, its alright thinking that if he sees similarities between you both, and that would make him wanna stay, but that could backfire, he could be like, oh my god theres two of them, im outta here, and go find someone unique. which is why you should be yourself.
you were obv yourself before you got to know this girl, so you do have a personality right?
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A
male
reader, charlie p +, writes (6 October 2009):
Riiiight...I suppose that's all ok then? I think that now is definatly the time to move on, and never speak to that girl again. Don't worry about her pain. You've got your fella back, so move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Hi a friend of mine I shared an office with was like this with a guy at work - she even had tatoos done the same as his girlfriend to try and impress him !! She drove past their house, would almost be sick if she saw them together and would spend all weekend in bed depressed at them together. Admittedly she had big self esteem issues but I can tell you the only thing that helped stop her obsessing was the distraction of another guy - in fact within a week of dating she realised her ways were getting out of hand with this other guy and how crazy it all was. There is a guy out there will make you feel awesome and being so so happy is the best revenge of the lot.
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A
female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncounselling is what the girl said I needed. Don't be fooled she is probably hurting too but she shows it in different ways. I was the woman that had her mans child and spoilt her 5 year relationship, she told me it was brilliant until I came along.
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A
female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday is the day that I will never look at her websites again,call or text her. I may think about her but that will fade once my self confidence is sky high. Thank you anonymous.xxxx
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A
female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe one that started off as honey thank you so much, your advice really helped. Was it the fact that you got aressted made you stop? Are you with him now?
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A
female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never had self esteem issues before he left me. I put all my blood, sweat and bears into the relationship, my son was just 8 months. Now that he left me,my world ended, I just concentrated on bettering myself. I graduated frotm college, i'm in my second year of university and I also do acting. I know I'm beautiful, sexy and amazing. It is just that he has made me feel that if he could leave me and his son for her then she she must be ouit of this world and his love for her must be stronger then a baboons bum. When I try to be like her it is probably to ensure that he won't leave again because he would see similarities and I haver it in my head that what she is is actually better-when maybe it isn't. There relationship wasn't great, very unhealthy and the family and hids friends dislike her and love me a great deal. We are 4 years apart and we are interested in dancing, modelling and so forth because she is young and has no children she able to progress in these subjects and I have responsibilities so I can't do the things she does, which makes me jealous. I look at her internet sites because I just want to see her, her hair, her clothes which are all unattractive but I just look anyway. I don't want to see a counsellor, I want to heal on my own. They won't get together again, It was a battle that I won and I just want her to hurt like I did when she won last time. Justice for my pain.
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A
male
reader, charlie p +, writes (6 October 2009):
I think actually you might try to get some counciling. At least try speaking to a professional about this.
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A
male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 The biggest problem you have is your self-esteem. I'm not sure if you had self-esteem problems prior to your partner leaving you. One thing is for sure is that the trauma of your partner leaving you for this other person destroyed your self-esteem.
This is very common for people that suffer from their partner leaving them for another. What is it about the other person that made their partner leave? What is that I don't have that they have? For you, you can go on the internet and look up this persons personal websites which fuels this process for you. You have allowed it to turn into an obsession.
Your difficulty lies in the fact that your partner was then left by this person and comes back to you. Any relationship that tries to renew from ground zero, trust becomes a major factor in being re-established. Like your self-esteem, trust has been destroyed. Not only does the fact that she left him make it hard for trust to be re-established because it makes his motives for coming back questionable, it feeds your obsession of comparing yourself with the other woman.
Instead of focusing energy on creating better self-esteem and working on your relationship, you have instead become obsessed in comparing yourself to this other person. You have allowed these feelings to progress to the point to where you are now starting to duplicate aspects of this other person because in your mind it makes you a better person. It makes you closer to a person that you feel is the ideal person. The one that your partner really wants to be with. In your mind, you have come to believe that this person actually is better than you and it becomes one more reason why the trust in the relationship is not allowed to grow. “How can my partner mean the things he says when I know this other person is so much better than me.” “ He really loves her and not me.” At this point, trust is impossible and before it can ever be established again, then you need to work on your self-esteem.
In order for you to work on your self-esteem, the very first thing you need to do is stop obsessing about this other person. This other person is not you. This is a reality that you must accept and let go of. Realize that the more you obsess about this other person, the farther away you go from healing yourself.
You have not properly dealt with the issues of your partner leaving you. Your self esteem issue is only one aspect of your emotions that needs to be addressed and processed (like wishing this other person would suffer.) Find books that deal with this and focus on the sections that specifically deal with the emotions that you have.
In addition to this, find books that will help you improve your self-esteem. This is going to not only help you re-establish your relationship, but will make you a stronger and happier person.
Last, I strongly recommend that you seek a therapist in addition to reading the books. You have a lot of issues and emotions that need to be released and healed and a trained therapist will be a valuable aid and guide. They will help you keep the proper focus and help you divert your energy towards things that will be positive instead of destructive.
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A
female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso fair enough she says she has moved on, but this is exactly what she said last time, and look what happened.
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A
female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't look like her or dress like her maybe that was a slight exaggeration! I do have a life, I am in my second year of university and I have two children.
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A
female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am actually shocked that she hasn't lamped me one yet, as she knows it's me. If it was me I would of knocked her out time ago! This is scary actually but I hate her, the way this started out was that she used to do the same thing to me when she found out he took a liking to me. She would ring me and wish death on my children and prank my phone whilst my child was sleeping.
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A
female
reader, jaundice +, writes (6 October 2009):
jaundice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNobody actually knows what I am doing so my family isn't actually effected by these actions. He didn't leave her she left him, so I was the safe option. He was with her for 5 years and when they were on a break I was the other woman and had a child with him that he lied to her about, she left him and still took him back. She is not a poor girl, she gave him an ultimatum and said her or the child and he picked her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Honey, you have to stop this. I was like this over my ex boyfriend's girlfriend and was taken to court and was lucky to get off with a telling off and councelling. You have to stop fixating on her. Stop looking at her on these websites as you appear to be torturing yourself doing it and you have turned it into some kind of routine. This is not healthy for you or your child and if you carry on you will get arrested.There is absolutely nothing special about this other woman. Why would you want to copy her clothes and ideas - your boyfriend loves you forwho you are. Maybe he does harbour some feelings for her still but she is not interested at all so let it go. He is not chasing her in any way, you are the one who is geting upset for nothingand making yourself stressed and ill over it.You need to take steps to avoid her , stop texting and making a nuisance of yourself. I know you don't see it like that and nor did I but that is what got me arrested and it wasn't nice - it was shameful! You are a far more intelligent woman than this letting someone in the past get to you in this manner. You are fine as you are - you have a boyfriend and a child - concentrate on them and yourself and your own self esteem. Decide today that it is going to be the last time that you ver look at her on facebook and then never look again. xx
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A
male
reader, charlie p +, writes (6 October 2009):
I think that this stems from your self esteem, if you want my honest opinion. But that's only to be expected, your trust and confidence was horribly betrayed!
One thing to remember at all times, is that he left her and now he's with you! Maybe you're a lot better than you think, and she's not so great?
What, exactly, is it that makes you obsess over her so much? She's no threat to you, and the fact that he says he loves and wants only you is something I think you ought to take very seriosly, it may help to shatter any false illusions that you may have of her capabilities.
Ask yourself seriously...have you allowed yourself to move on? Have you tried to put distance between now and the past?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): this sounds like a major jelousy trip your on!
What im wondering is, why are you spending so much time on obsessing with her and making her life a misery when youve got a beautiful child and partner to think about?
I know hes obviously made a mistake but hes come back to you, not her.
And if she hates him, then shes not interested in stealing him back, so why should you be so bothered.
Your stressing over nothing at all. And your probably upsetting your family by acting this way!
You shouldnt try to act and be like her, he is with you for being you, not her.
That was obviously a fling that went wrong, you three are a family now, so start acting like it, before you tear your family apart.
You are the one with the issue, you are the one obsessing and actiing irrational, so get a grip on yourself and your life and leave this poor girl alone.
Look at like this, if it was you in her shoes............
Shes ringing and texting all the time, shes lookin more and more like you everyday, causing trouble no end, youd be bloody pissed off woman! And it wouldnt surprise me if one day she turns round and lamps you one for not leaving HER alone. Get your own life, youve got a child to look after, focus more on that!
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