A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if this is abuse or not. I have been dating my boyfriend (he is from Europe) for almost a year and a half. It started a year ago when he would tell me that I am looking at other men (when I don't) and that I wanted to be with other men (when I'm don't) or that I am even with other men (when I would never). I have told him that this cuts me to the core of who I am as a woman, as a girlfriend, as a person, because I am a truly loyal person. His accusations never end. He has recently changed the accusations into the forms of questions. Yesterday, for example, I didn't answer a question satisfactorily for him and he said "Fine, don't tell me, and if it's because you're with another guy and you don't want to tell me, then f*ck you". These words and these thoughts have destroyed me, my confidence, my passion, my heart...and he tells me that I am being dramatic and that I am never happy. Yes, the relationship has been physically abusive (him towards me) and we're moving beyond that...it seems...It is somehow beyond him that I am with him, heart and mind and body and soul...and to him, it's always about another man. If I answer after 4 instead of 2 rings, it's "are you with another guy?". If I wear a skirt, it's "so are you wearing the skirt to show off your body to men at work?". I am not allowed to wear a shoe with any type of heel because that would mean I am showing off my body, trying to look good for other men. If I cry about the things he says, it's because I am then being defensive and hiding something about another guy.I do not have the strength to leave, and I do not have the strength to stay. I have seen a therapist twice...once while he was with his family in Europe and I was on the verge of jumping out of the apartment window because he told me I was "with another guy and to have fun with that guy" more times than I can count...and when I became upset, I was being "arrogant and not sensitive to his needs"...he then went to a club with naked women and told me that it was because I was not answering the phone while I was with the therapist who graciously saw me last minute, so "that's what [I] get". I know depression runs in my family and I don't know if I am experiencing it or not. All I know is that I step outside of who I am and don't recognize the woman I see. SOmeone who hasn't truly smiled in months. Someone whose stomach has gotten ill multiple times due to accusations being thrown in her direction from the one person she's loved more than anyone...Am I being over dramatic to his accusations? Why am I so sensitive to them? Please, please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): I am in a marriage like this now. He does not physically abuse me. But after seven years, he is CONVINCED that I have cheated on him, and that I did it on multiple occasions, with multiple people, to boot. I love him, and this is the most difficult situation that I have ever been in, in my entire life. Please listen to what the other poster said, because she is right. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE. You need to cut this relationship off now, because he breaks your heart anymore.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Your relationships is one of those long distance relationships that will never ever work, he is not only immature, controlling and manipulative he is also abusive and totally destructive. He might also be a borderline narcissist ( google that if you aren't familiar with the expression)
Set yourself free and dump him. Tell him you can not live like this, is is NOT love.
If yo udon't feel like you can handle telling him it is over, block him from your Email, change your phone number - send him a certified letter saying IT IS OVER and do not contact him any futher.
Last but not least START LIVING YOUR LIFE! Go out and see the sun, feel the wind, taste the rain.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (11 September 2009):
No. You are definetely not being overly dramatic. I used to be with someone like this. I had to seek therapy because like you he destroyed me as aperson. from the sounds of it he has done quite a # on you . the reason he says these things it not insecurity he just wants to control you your mind your body everything that you do. he is abusive.. it will never stoop it only gets worst trust me. inside you hang on to the hope that he is going to change and be everything you dreamed of and honey hes not. he cant ever love you because he doesntr even love himself. he is selfish not to think about your feelings. My ex used to beat me for looking at him literally.. hed say dont look at me that way your being a snake and sneaky. Dont go here dont go there. Cant wear this or wear makeup because if I did I'd be looking for attention.. once he beat me because he could see my panties thru my pjs. He wants to lower your self esteem so that he can keep you right where he wants to in check and obdient. Its not fair that you should have to cater to his ever need. Tell him where to plant his lips and get rid of his sorry behind!before you know it you will be so severly traumatized that you wont even rremember what your favorite color is or who you are as a person dont let him do this to you youre worth more than that!
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 You are not being over-dramatic or sensitive, Sweetie. You’re being controlled and manipulated!
I don’t know what this guys background is so I’m reluctant to call him every name under the sun…though I easily could!
He is obviously very insecure and may have been hurt immensely in the past, however his past is not your problem to deal with and, if he does have issues, he should be a man and seek help (or at least admit them).
You’ve only been together for a year and a half yet he’s already been physically abusive (should have exited then) and, to make matters far worse, he is now being verbally abusive! He’s crushing your confidence and soul in a twisted attempt to make himself feel better.
In a way, he’s actually torturing you and turning the situation around to make everything appear to be your fault. This is a dangerous situation and I urge you not to take any of what he’s said to or against you to heart. There is nothing wrong with you.
You say that he went to a club with naked women because you weren’t answering the phone…How old is this guy???
I cannot even begin to imagine what must run through his head to arrive at this ‘logic’.
He has no love or respect for you, he just wants a dowdy possession with low self-esteem who sits in the corner rocking back & forth and crying to make him feel important.
You’re post screams that you are an intelligent woman, you MUST conjure up the strength to get out while you are still able to.
What happens if you decide to stand up for yourself one day??? Maybe you’ll be crying because of the black eye or the fact he slept with someone else because the soles on your shoes are 2mm to high!
Please Hunnie, I don’t want to go on & on…you know what to do. Surround yourself with family and friends; speak to the Aunts & Uncles on here for encouragement and strength.
If you are depressed, that is a separate issue for now and you’ll not be able to deal with this whilst you’re allowing him to grind you down further.
Please, for your sake, get away from this soul-destroying manipulator. If he so much as threatens you, let alone touches you, call the police ASAP. Also make sure there is a safe place for you to go.
I wish I could do more, I feel for you and will keep my fingers crossed that you make the right decision.
If you’d like to chat/rant or advice, send me a message.
Take Care.xx
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