A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I feel so silly to be doing this at my age!I have split up with a guy who I had been seeing for 6 months - we split about a month ago. It was a mutual agreement in the end as I felt he wasn't putting much effort in.However, I can't seem to move on! I have never felt like this before in that I can't stop contacting him. What makes it worse is that when I do text him, he replies within seconds every single time, and then we continue to text for hours. He asked me to meet him for lunch last week, just as friends. We met and had a nice lunch and yes, we had a passionate kiss before saying goodbye.I just wish I could stop texting or that he would ignore me when I do text. I have tried deleting his number and email address about 7 times now, but I know I can find it either in my mobile bills or looking on the internet for it under his business website.I realise I have to be strong and just stop but I can't help myself! My gut instinct (which in the past has always been right) is telling me not to give up because we still like each other. Surely if he wasn't still interested he would ignore my texts?? I told him I still liked him and that perhaps we could have tried to patch things up - he didnt say yes but he didnt say no either - his reply was, "we are both at different stages of our lives and I think you are a lovely woman". Any advice would be greatly appreicated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): Thanks for the follow up.
Good work, keep it up, I know how hard it can be (and if you do have a silly blip, don't beat yourself up over it, just try nc again)
I'm nearly 3 months nc, yipee! I know I won't break it this time!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you for all the great advice!
I have taken on board what everyone has said, and I guess what will be will be.
However, I am now on my 3rd day of not contacting him, and I must say I am feeling pretty good inside and endeavour to continue unless I have a silly blip! Fingers crossed that won't happen.
Thanks again!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): "We are both at different stages of our lives and I think you are a lovely woman" means that he likes you as a friend, but your previous dating relationship wasn't working for him. He wasn't putting much effort in while your were dating--that was a big hint that the relationship didn't work for him. He didn't come out and say "no" directly because he was trying to let you down gently. Give him credit for being a gentleman.As other Aunts have said, if he wants to restart the relationship he'll contact you. You need to move on and stop contacting him. Delete his contact information again; shred the phone bills and toss them out if you have to. Chasing after him makes you appear undignified and desperate. Maybe reminding yourself of that will help motivate you to stop? I'm sorry, it sounds as if you really like him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): Oh I feel as if I could've written this in the past! I've been in your shoes, and do you know what I realise now, us texting just made it easier for him to gradually move on less painfully than if we had just gone no contact from day one!! (Grrr!) Just because he answers your texts it doesn't mean he wants to be with you. Actions speak louder than words. He may just be being polite, he most definitely likes the attention. He probably thinks you are a nice person, but IF he wanted to be with you, he would.In my situation I now realise he used me to feed his ego, maybe keep me as a 'back-up plan' (I'm not sure), whilst out 'sharking' for something he felt was better!!! When I found out he was with someone else, (after not wanting to have a relationship apparently!) I wished him well with it, and then deleted his number and blocked on fb etc. It took me 8 months to do it, I hope it doesn't take you that long! I will never contact him again.If you keep contacing him, he won't miss you because he gets to text you when he wants, it's lke you're still there, but without any pressure/hassle of a relationship. If you want him to miss you and possibly get back with you, you have to disappear from his life, so he knows what life without you will be like.If I date and break-up with someone again, I will never fall for that lets be friends crap ever again!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Hate to pour water on this and yep you could go for the whole 'lets get it out in the open and see what we want' dinner but I fear he has already stated his wish and it's to just be friends with you.
He is texting to be respectful because he probably genuinely does not want to hurt you but if you really pressed him I fear he would cut contact.
Men pursue what they desire and I mean they make the first move. He isn't actively texting or calling you first and thats because he maybe just wants things to fade nicely away (guilt free and friendly)...which they will when you stop contacting him.
Let him go and dont be tempted again. Of course, if he does then get in touch and wonder where you are...that will be the time to sit down over dinner and discuss the future.
There is the right time for everything but you can't mess with the natural rules of engagement...he has to come to you...if it's going to happen, thats the way it must evolve.
xxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): I wouldn't t think too much of him answering your texts promptly. So what, may be he just likes texting.
I d really asked him what he mention by different stages of life. Does he plan on having kids. If yes, than you are definitely just a stop over. May b that's why he is not putting too much effort into you.thatcwould explain his lay back attitude. He ll have lunch with you of course why not, even sex from now and then, but if he plans one day to have a family, he knows you are not the one he wants.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 If you can't stay away and he's responding then I suggest this:
plan a dutch treat dinner with him. Sit down and talk about what YOU want and what HE wants.
figure out if you can come to an agreement about what you both want and if you can manage to provide it for each other.
Clearly you like him and he likes you. You sound like you wanted more and he didn't want that so you ended it but maybe you can come to an agreement that works for both of you.
Late 30s to mid 40s is not that big of a gap and you are both at the life stage where I would not even consider 5 years a gap....
My fiance is late 30s and I'm early 50s... go figure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply!
He is younger, in his late 30s and I am in my mid 40s. I think I may have scared him with the fact I thought he wasn't making an effort and he then thought I wanted a 24/7 relationship. I explained I didn't, but it doesn't seem to sink in with him. I had gone two days without texting until an hour ago, and yet again he replied in seconds!
Its doing my fruit in, but I really do think he still likes me, hence why I won't give up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): How odd, he sounds like he's interested still,or at least likes you,alot, definately.
Is he younger than you - or older....thats the only reason I could think of re the different stage in life?
If he won't give it another chance then you will have to be extremely strong, and not contact him, its the only way to beat the addiction, the habit , of having him there at the end of the phone.The only way you will let go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): I think his comment at the end was a nice way of saying No. He was basically saying 'we're at different stages in our lives so I don't think it will work out'. He may well still like you but doesn't see it working in the long run.
I suggest you move on. You're not possessed! You can stop contacting him but you chose not to because you still like him.
You've mentioned trying to patch things up with him, so leave it at that or you might appear desperate. If you're meant to be together, he'll come to you.
Try distraction next time you want to contact him. Find something to do to take your mind off him. Or you'll end up even more hurt.
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