A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can’t seem to ‘forgive and forget’ for what my partner has done in the past and it’s really affecting my mental health and our relationship. We’ve been together for 8 years and have a 2 year old son together. We’ve been through a lot together. I have lost my mother, my grandparents and lost touch with my father because of his actions when my mother passed. After 2 years together, I found messages and pictures on my partners phone from other girls. I was obviously angry, upset and hurt but lost my mother a week later and he was there so I stupidly brushed it off. I was 18 at the time and no homeless as I had to move out of the house I lived in with my mother. I now can’t trust him when he goes on nights out as I think he’s flirting with other women or messaging them (as he is very secretive with his phone, it goes everywhere with him - even when he showers). I recently found out that he and a woman at work have been texting. They have ‘banter’ together (which in my eyes, is flirting?) she’s single and on a few occasions I have phoned my partner to see if he has picked our child up from nursery and instead he is at the pub with work colleagues. She phones his personal phone regular and recently phoned him at 9am on a Saturday? (Non working day). The other issue is, if we separated (I have thought about this), I wouldn’t have anywhere else to live. I feel incredibly stupid and regret not having a savings account ‘in case of emergency’. My main priority in life is my son and I want him to be happy but I’ve been told he can’t be happy if his parents aren’t happy. It just isn’t fair on him. I haven’t yet confronted him about this issue as I don’t know how to but he knows I don’t trust him 100% and that we need to talk.I would really appreciate some advice on what I should do.
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female
reader, dreamcast  +, writes (21 September 2021):
 To start, you don't have to forgive and forget anything. When a partner betrays you, that changes the relationship and both sides need to process what has happened for any hope of staying together. In your case, it sounds like your husband is a serial cheater and negligent father. For the sake of your son, I think you already know what you need to do.
As for a direct confrontation, I don't think it's worth it. He'll only lie and manipulate you into forgiving him, just like last time. You'll gain nothing from hearing "his side," and he may even attack you and make you doubt the veracity of "your side." You don't have to explain yourself to anyone who so obviously disrespects you.
As such, I think it'd be best to find another place that you can stay. Look into all your options-- friends, family, coworkers, government assistance, everything.
Whenever you doubt yourself or find yourself longing for the man you fell in love with all those years ago, ground yourself in the present. Remember that now he lies to you, blatantly, and thinks you're stupid enough to believe it. Remember that he ditched his childcare duties to go drinking with another woman. Remember that he knows you don't trust him but doesn't care to rebuild that bond.
Don't waste any more time in a dead-end relationship!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 September 2021):
 It appears you have added a bit more information to your previous post:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-being-secreative-with-his-phone.html
I have nothing to add which I didn't say on the last one, except that, if you WANT to leave but have no money, you need to either start putting some aside or see if you can find someone to move in with, like a friend. If you are on your own, you will be entitled to financial support for yourself and your child. Perhaps the first step would be to investigate what you could get?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2021): Well, a two year-old child isn't much aware of what's happening. His happiness is not dependent on whether your relationship is happy. Sometimes you are, and sometimes you aren't! So what if it isn't? He has to live with the reality, at whatever age he is. Happiness is a feeling that comes and goes, and can be affected by many factors. You don't aim for "happiness;" you aim for developing trust, and maintaining harmony and compatibility. Happiness is one of the benefits that springs from the effort of getting along, and taking care of each-other. You need trust to hold it all together.
Marriages and romantic-relationships need to be able to withstand trials and challenges; even when you're going through a season of unhappiness. You talk to each-other. You work things out. You address issues head-on. Hiding secrets and being in-denial doesn't solve anything. Buried or unresolved-issues become an infection that starts to fester into an open wound. Having no place to go has no bearing on dealing with somebody who's hurting you. You have to stop it, or at least deal with it.
If you're certain he's having a thing with a co-worker, and there's adequate evidence on his phone. What choice do you have but to confront him about it? You're stewing in it, as long as you just sit on it. It's affecting your health; and it's bound to manifest in some form of behavior or emotional reaction. How long can you suppress it? Is part of the reason you won't address it because you don't want him to know you've spied on his phone? Well, you'd find-out one-way or another; if he's having a fling, or trying. It's pretty bold for a woman to be calling a man she knows to be taken or married. If she does it regularly, she assumes it's okay. You haven't said anything thus far.
You can't solve a problem until you directly address it. You don't necessarily have to breakup; you can't determine the outcome of a problem, until you've dealt with the issue. If cheating has been a previous problem, and you feel you have some evidence that he's up to something presently; now is the time to nip it in the bud. You're dying of suspicion, and spying on his phone. How's it all going so far? You're here for advice. My guess is that most will advice you to talk to him about it.
You have to talk to him about the phone calls, let him know what you think about them; and then you can decide on the fate of your relationship. At least determine what he's up to and what's on his mind? He'll likely deny it, but at least he has been given notice that you're hip to her calls. Your exit-plan will have to be put on-hold; but you have to address the problem staring you in the face. It may not be as serious as you think; but you won't know until you two discuss it. Once you know, then you'll know what to do about it.
It's not a matter of how, but when? If it's starting to affect your health; I guess sooner rather than later! The longer you let it slide, the worse you'll feel. If your evidence is really inconclusive, and it's all based on suspicion; it's still best to get it off your chest. Talk to him. He needs to know you know this woman is contacting him on non-company time; and even an idiot would suspect something.
Oh, BTW! If he knows he's the one who's supposed to pickup the child from the nursery; he should immediately let you know if there is a change of plans. Not just dart-off to the pub after work, without so much as a word. I find that extremely odd. Your child is still at daycare, and neither of you have it worked-out who's supposed to pick him up??? You do know this kind of thing can be reported to authorities by the daycare provider, right? Having a drink before picking up a kid doesn't reflect well on him, especially when they can smell booze oh him. I hope he's not driving a child after stopping at a pub for drinks!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2021):
 Start working on your exit plan, which includes starting to save money. Secondly, he will have to pay you child maintenance, if you leave.
Thirdly, look into a place you CAN afford for just you and your son.
"My main priority in life is my son and I want him to be happy but I’ve been told he can’t be happy if his parents aren’t happy. "
Kids CAN be happy even if their parents are miserable. Kids are kids. However, he will learn that you can be with someone and not care, not have to treat them with respect. So while HE can be somewhat oblivious he will still learn lessons in life you might not want him to be exposed to.
You know your relationship is over. You BF knows it too. He hasn't had any respect for you in years. : he knows I don’t trust him 100% and that we need to talk." He also knows that you can't "just" leave easily. So he does whatever he wants and IF/WHEN you leave it really won't bother him much.
You had a child with a guy who cheated on you? Why?
I mean it's a moot point now, but I don't get the logic there.
YOU need to put yourself first. (and your son).
So figure out how to save up extra money - that might mean taking another sided job for a while, so you can MOVE out and start living life without your partner.
You know what to do.
Also, does the UK not have affordable housing for single mothers?
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