A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused as to how to view my virginity.I am 20 years old, female, live in London, UK. I would say I am pretty. Long black hair, light brown eyes, taller than average - 5'8, medium sized body.I have met guys in the past, but usually it ends before it even starts, a lot of the times it becomes 'friendly' and then times they just stop talking to me.Thinking about it now, one of the reasons could be that I'm a virgin.Now, I'm not religious, I'm not old fashioned either and I'm definitely not waiting til marriage. I like to have fun, I drink alcohol, I smoke, I love to enjoy myself and always be around friends, I'm very outgoing, friendly, carefree, optimistic and adventurous, I love my freedom and overall I'm not a shy person... I have been sexually active before, I haven't had sex, but I have done nearly everything else before sex. I have given a handjob, a blowjob and I have been fingered.To be honest, I can't seem to figure out exactly what I'm holding onto with my 'virginity.I know it is a valuable thing to have, but there are so many times I want to have sex, but something stops me. When I was younger, I used to think losing your virginity should only ever happen when you're in love, but over the years my thoughts on that have changed.I have been very close to having sex, to be honest, I was seeing a guy and he just about put the tip in, but it hurt like mad and I had to tell him to stop, but then after that had happened, something was stopping me from doing it again. I think it may have been due to the fact that I wasn't seeing him for very long so I decided not to go through with it.I mean, it's weird, cause I know it's a big put off for guys when they hear about it, I have male friends who I can talk to and they are very honest with me, I know sex is important for many males and females in a relationship (not in a bad way, but I know some people expect it in a relationship).I also know that if I wasn't a virgin, I would've had sex with the guy that I was seeing that I mentioned a little earlier.This is what doesn't make sense to me. I know that I would have sex with someone if I WASN'T a virgin, but because I am, I won't do it.Most of you may think, if you want to do it, why don't you just do it?But there's some alarm in my head that goes off when I think of losing it. I can't seem to figure it out either, I've spoken to my friends about it and they seem a little surprised too because they know that if I would be having sex if I wasn't a virgin, then what exactly am I holding onto?I can't tell if its the 'first time' thing, if it's the 'virginity' title alone, whether I need some sort of security, whether I haven't met the right person, maybe I don't want to regret it afterwards, but it could be all of that to be honest, but I'm thinking and I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out what is stopping me from just doing it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): I think you have a classic case of being physically and emotionally ready for sex, but you haven't found the right partner yet. I was the exact same when I was a virgin, and it's a very conflicting time because your body is there so you have all the desires and feelings of someone ready to take that step, in fact you are sometimes so ready you feel like you should just go out and do it, but somewhere deep down your mind is not convinced so you find yourself holding back. Its so confusing right? As frustrating as it is though, it is actually a good thing I promise. It is a sign you respect yourself enough not to settle for anything less than you deserve and sadly not enough women feel that way these days. All I can suggest is you keep on the lookout for the right guy (you will know when it's time, you won't need to ask or second guess yourself), but in the meantime take time to explore yourself and your body. It will ease any sexual frustrations you have and you will be in a great place to get started when you do meet the right person (you will be more relaxed so it won't hurt as much, plus guys love a partner who knows her own body and is willing to teach them). Oh and also, you say that you have been told that guys are put off when they hear you are a virgin but that really surprises me. I could understand some being put off if they got the impression you wanted to remain a virgin for years or until marriage or something, but most guys I know would be much happier knowing their girl had waited rather than sleep around for the sake of it. So don't worry about that or anything else - you'll get there in your own time. For what it's worth, I'm so glad I waited because I have lovely memories of my first time and not many of my friends can say the same.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, let me re-phrase the whole 'virgin' thing, I'm talking about the whole act of sex, from start to finish.
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (10 December 2012):
Just to point out, if he "put the tip in" you are no longer a virgin.
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A
male
reader, learnNlive  +, writes (10 December 2012):
You might be waiting for the right guy.
Nothing wrong with that.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2012):
 "I have been very close to having sex, to be honest, I was seeing a guy and he just about put the tip in, but it hurt like mad and I had to tell him to stop, but then after that had happened, something was stopping me from doing it again."
Hold up! WHAT, exactly hurt like mad? Was it the tip of his penis? Did he have the tip in you? If his penis was even the slightest bit in you, and if it was his penis that made you "hurt like mad", then you are no longer a virgin.
He doesn't have to go "all the way in" to make you not a virgin. Your hymen doesn't have to break to make you not a virgin. He certainly doesn't need to have an orgasm to make you not a virgin.
The legal definition is "penetration, however slight, is enough to complete and satify the condition".
This means, that if his penis went inside you even a millimeter, then you are no longer a virgin.
You're not a virgin.
That being said, I think you're overthinking everything to the point of obsession. I agree that you shouldn't have sex with someone you're not in a relationship with. Love is a perfectly valid prerequesite. Since you're not a virgin, that doesn't mean you can't still hold yourself to the moral code of sex not being casual for you.
Don't be afraid. Sex is another language of love. You just need to meet a guy who feels the same way about it, because there are those who view sex as a simple relieving of tension, or a recreational activity, or even a drug.
Find a guy who is compatible with you, and then don't inhibit your expression of love with him. It's actually that simple! Take it slow, but don't overthink it! Just be safe when it comes to birth control/disease, and get to know him as a person!
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