A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf/finace for a year but we met a few years before that. When we met all those years ago, he had just come out of a relationship with a girl.From what I have been told (by him), she was the first girl that he was very serious about. They were together for a few years and he even moved in with her. It was a tempestuous relationship- there were a lot of arguments and bad feelings and he maintains that it was a very stressful few years where he was not happy. He has also mentioned the fact that he was not intellectually stimulated by her and this made the relationship a little dull. Although I have not ever seen a picture of her (he hasn't kept anything of her) I do know she was very pretty and even though she'd had a child maintained a great figure. She was also very young.Despite all this1. It took him over two years to get over this woman.2. He has said 'I love you' to her a few times.3. He spent enough money on her to get into debt.4. He spent years in a relationship where they fought most of the time and he claimed not to be happy.The relationship I have with him at the moment is more relaxed.1. We don't argue,2. We have lots of fun and he claims to have found his other half. In fact, we are meant to be getting married next year.3. I live with him.4. We talk for long periods of time on the phone (when apart) and in person. We work together and discuss ideas and bounce theories off one another about various things.All this sounds great but I am acutely aware that if we were to break up he would not spend years getting over the relationship nor would he hang around if we argued much. I put in a lot of effort into making this relationship work (as does he) but sometimes it feels like whatever I do and however I make him feel I won't ever affect him as she did. Regardless of the fact their relationship created negative feelings, they were still strong feelings and this is what I will never have from him.How should I deal?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): Hello
I am the original poster. I just want to thank all of you for the advice that yuo have given.
I realise that a lot of the issues are down to my insecurities concerning the relationship and not really to do with his ex-girlfriend, my fiance's behaviour or even our relationship.
Again, thank you all for the advice- it has been a great help.
A
female
reader, monique-x-x +, writes (12 May 2009):
You shouldn't be thinking of how you aren't like her because if everyone stuck to the same kind of person throughout their life there would be no such thing as break ups there would be no point in moving on to the next one if they want them to be the same! he is obviosly with you and not with her for a reason! if you feel as though he wouldnt be botherd about you if you split then your wrong and if you want to put it to the test forward some distance between yourselves without it seeming there is an atmosphere, spend some time away from him with friends and see how he reacts from my experience men try to be the cool one in relationships but i know every has a jelous side and maybe thats what you want to notice that he would care if your not here hope i have helped a little
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A
female
reader, Krystelle +, writes (12 May 2009):
Don't look too much into it, I know it's easy to just say that but it's true. You said yourself it was his first serious relationship, first loves are always the worst to get over. He might not have known how to move on, where as now he knows differently and is aware of how much better he can get. Which is you. You may not think he'd be that heartbroken if you broke up, but chances are he just knows how to handle it and cover it much better. And if you did argue like her, of course he wouldn't approve. He doesn't want to be with the girl who made his life miserable, he wants to be with the one who made it better. That's you. Feel proud that he choose you and won't approve if you turned into her.
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A
female
reader, Olivia(Y). +, writes (12 May 2009):
 The first thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to his ex. His ex girlfriend is history and you are presant.
Anybody who is in love will be very upset if they lose the person they love. I'm very sure your boyfriend would be very upset if he lost you even though you might not get the feeling that he would. You don't know what you have until its gone, believe me.
Your getting married to this man, You mean the world to him and that shows he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Enjoy it, hes with you and he loves you with the whole of his heart!
Stop worrying about what will happen if you break up, your in a close reltionship and getting married next year so your not going to break up. You mean more to him than his ex ever did because you have a relationship that works.
Good luck and i hope your wedding day goes well!! :)
Livia
xoxox
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A
female
reader, bellaaddison  +, writes (12 May 2009):
I hope I don't offend you, but it seems you are the one hung up on the ex, not your boyfriend.
Nothing that you said would lead anyone to think that he has carried anything from that relationship into the one he has with you.
Stop looking for problems or you're sure to create some. Trust that he loves you and stop spending time trying to imagine how he would be when "getting over you..." Shouldn't you be spending your daydreaming time imagining your wedding day? Why think about the ending when you've yet to create the beginning???
If he hasn't had a problem letting go of his past, why should you?
Be happy!
Bella
xoxo
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