A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey guys need some serious advice as i dont think i can feel any worse then i am at the moment... ok so here goes...I recently got together with a guy who got together with me after a long open relationship... after i got with him i found out the reason we were in an open relationship... he was still with his ex... after an ultimatum put down by me.. he choose me...however 6 months into the offical relationship he still keeps in touch with his ex... I've talked to him about it alooooot... but he keeps insisting that he cant hurt her and still still cares about her... they were together for 4years and he claims that she had done alot for him... the worst thing is she still constantly fones and texts him like crazyyy... he hasnt told her that hes got someone new as he doesnt wnna hurt her as its still not been "long enough"the other day i put down another ultimatum he does right by me and her and tell her slowly or graudaly i didnt mind but the fact that he seein someone else... if he doesnt i have to walk... again he did and aparantly had a really long chat to her about it... he told me and this morning she text him saying shes glad hes moved on and she always wants him to be happy no matter what... he read the txt and was really emotional and had a tear in his eye... this made me realllly emotional and i too started crying.. i almost feel as if its my fault and that its coz of me... i put him through this...not only that he told me she had done a lot for him and he'd never forget that.. he told me she used to do sweet things for him like check his email and remind him to do tings etc... i know in my head i will never be able to care for him the way she did and that breaks me... he told me he loves me and i make him happy but i cant help but feel inadaqute... I don't think I will ever be able to do what she did for him and that scares me...can please someone try to advise me on how to handle this... sorry it's really long.
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female
reader, shiraz +, writes (15 December 2008):
hiyah well if hes unwilling to let it be past your either going to have to except the starnge situation or leave it and walk away. you seem to love him and youve lasted this long, so think it through first. youve tried talking but its not helpped its up to you now to make that choice. best of luck xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankss... i did talk to him loads and loads... he did reassure me and he always does,,, he says if he wants he he can get her but he doesnt... i just dont understand why he stil talks to her thats the problem... ive asked him so mannnnyy times but he claims he still cares for her and doesnt wnna see her hurt.. i just dont understand and i have n idea stil what to do
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A
female
reader, shiraz +, writes (12 December 2008):
hiyah, dont be sorry. its something you should never do- compare yourself to an ex of his. its not fair on anyone, including yourself the more you think about it the more your damaging yourself and the relationship. his past is his past and he needs to know thats where it should remain. you shouldnt feel uncomfortable or 2nd best in your relationship as its only supposed to be two of you involved. he has a history with his ex but its not something that should be interfering with his future. you really shouldnt be feeling bad, he loves you for who your are not what your not. you need to start telling him your insecurities and doubts, you need to start being open and honest with each other in order to move forward. im sorry to say this but you started on a lie and it has and always will affect what you have you need the support of each other to come through it and at the moment its whats lacking in what you have. shes always going to be apart of him and sometimes it can be too much, you start questioning him her and yourself and then you see the end. its not something you want so try and sort it now before it gets too much.talk to him, be you thats who he loves at the end of the day. best of luck xxx
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A
female
reader, samsmommy  +, writes (12 December 2008):
 I don't think it's your fault at all, he really should have told her he had a girlfriend from the beginning, then maybe she wouldn't have text him, as much anyway. A 4 yr relationship is a long time to date someone, so she's probably just texting and calling him a lot because she misses talking to him like they did for 4 years.
As far as you feeling inadequate, you shouldn't, every relationship is different and you probably do some things that she might not have, so don't worry about it. You have to remember, he left her for you, so obviously that stuff doesn't matter to him that much.
Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): funny how he doest wanna hurt her but has no problems hurting YOU
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