A
female
age
36-40,
*ommyOfOne
writes:This is a VERY long story. And I'm not sure if I can get proper answers without starting from the top and explaining as much as I can...My boyfriend and I met in Feb 2008, and were a couple by the end of March 2008. Shortly after becoming a couple, he wanted me to move an hour away from where I live, to be with him. To move in. He is a police officer in a small city, an hour away from Memphis, TN, where I live. I was VERY hesitant at first, considering it was so soon, and that I have a small child that I didn't want to expose to any man, unless I knew it was forever. He asked that I set a time of when I thought I could move to be with him. In April, I told him, "Maybe in July or August." I explained to him my fear of my daughter attaching to someone and it not working out in the end. Every time I tried to push it back, he would push harder that I move out to where he was... At the time, i swore I had met my prince charming. He was EVERYTHING I could have ever wanted in a man. He was absolutely AMAZING. He made a million promises of what would happen when I moved to where he was. We would get married. I could be a stay at home mom. He wanted to adopt my daughter as his own. etc... Needless to say, I moved out with him in June of 2008. With in about 2 weeks, there was a SUDDEN and drastic change in his attitude. He stopped wanting to spend time with my daughter or me. He would sleep all day...and blame it on the stress from his job. He wouldn't let me so much as touch him...let alone anything else. He stopped talking about marriage and adopting my daughter. And one day, his mother came to our house, and both told me I needed to get a job. I was very upset about this. Just weeks prior, he had promised me I could be a stay at home mom. (And this is how he breaks the news that I can't? A tag-team session with his mother?) From that day forward, everything slowly starting going down hill. We would argue about little things. He has a real problem with communication. I believe its due to his job. In his line of work, when someone is smarting off, he just puts them in the back of his car and drives them to the jail... We were struggling financially. Barely making ends meat. Late on bills, no food in the house, the works. He kept pushing for me to get a job, and I kept pushing for him to change cities to a police department that maybe paid more. Which he was strongly against. I felt ripped off. I had been promised apples (being a stay at home mom) and was getting oranges (get a job!). This went back and forth for the months of August, September and October of this year. The fights kept popping up left and right, and no matter what I did, he refused to talk to me about what was going on. In October, he brought up taking a break. We never discussed the rules of the "break". I did try to bring it up, but when I would, he would end the conversation. On November 2nd, he dropped me off in Memphis with my parents, and the "break" began. For the first week, we didn't talk. During that week, I realized all that I had done wrong... I should have just sucked it up and got a job. I should have stopped picking fights. I should have just let his relationship with my daughter grow on its own rather then push and push for him to spend time with her. I came up with a million "I should have's" and swore to myself that I would never EVER do it again. All I wanted to do was get back home and make everything right again. I texted him during that week telling him I was so sorry for all I had done. We talked a little, then didn't talk for a few days. A week after I got to memphis, we started talking again. Every day. All day. We talked about what we wanted changed in the relationship. What we felt was the biggest problem (he says money, I agree and say that lack of communication was also a HUGE problem). What we would do when we got back together. Then, all of a sudden, 5 days after we start talking again, he stops talking. That weekend, what would have been the 2 week mark of our "break", we had made plans that week for him to come to memphis, and spend some time together. But he stood me up. I didn't get a message or phone call Friday. Was no where to be found saturday and sunday, said he had been asked by his mom to go to dinner with her, and couldn't make it. He promised to come out the following Wednesday... About an hour after the conversation, I was on myspape and saw that his sister had posted pics from a party she had thrown that friday. He had gone to this party... In these pictures, he is VERY close to this one girl, who I have never seen or met. The behavior in these pictures is questionable. Definitely to close for comfort. When I asked him about what happened during the party, he said, "Nothing happened. She is an old high school friend." And left it at that. He says he was heavily intoxicated the entire day. Which, I can tell by the pictures that he was. Anyway, I didn't hear from him the rest of the day and monday. Tuesday, I heard from him a little, when he asked if I still wanted him to come out. Needless to say, he did come out. He was here for a day. We had sex, spent time together, etc. But, we did not talk about the break, or what was going on in our relationship. When he left the next afternoon, for me, everything started falling apart. This was november 20th. I did not hear from him for two weeks. During these two weeks, I lost a lot of hope. I didn't know where his mind was. What he was doing. If he had changed his mind. Had he cheated with this girl? And this is how he is going to end it? After two weeks, I sent him a text asking if it was over. He said he didn't want it to be. He asked why I was asking if it was over, and I told him, "I haven't heard from you in two weeks. I don't know whats going on." He wasn't responding to most of my messages, and every call was ignored and sent to voicemail. The next day, I tried calling again, to no answer. Text messages were not being answered either. I did manage to get a hold of him the next day through text. I asked if we could get together sometime this month to talk about where this is all going. He agreed, but didn't set a date of when we would. I have left him alone the past week, in hopes that if I give him space, all will be well. I need to sit down with him and talk about everything. In the past three weeks, we have only talked twice. And that is within the past week. Both times, were incredibly short. Now, I still have his cell phone, which he pays the bill. I have thought that if it was over, wouldn't he want his phone shut off or returned? Maybe that is a sign of what he wants? He still has some of my things, and some of my daughters things with him at his house. I have asked if he wants me to come get the rest of my stuff and leave him this things, and I haven't gotten a straight answer to that question...This is killing me. By far, the most painful thing I have every been through. He never said he wanted a break where we wouldn't talk. He said he wanted me to keep the phone so he could get a hold me while i was in memphis. But, I have barely heard from him. I don't know whats going on. Or if I am stupid for waiting this long without communication. I am willing to wait. He is worth the wait. But, I know I can't wait FOREVER. At some point, I have to throw in the towel and say, mentally i can't take this anymore.There is so much I need to say to him. That I am sorry. That I never meant to put him through some of the stress I did (the job situation, the bickering.). But I can't seem to get a hold of him, and there is no date set for when he wants to get together for this little talk...What do I do...?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008): Ok, first I have to say that you dated this guy for one or two months before officially becoming a couple, which is really really fast, and shortly there after he is talking marriage and moving you in and moving you away from your family and friends by the way.
Then he suddenly distances himself from you and tells you to get a job. He doesn't even want you to touch him....but after the break, he takes the opportunity to have sex with you when you got together one last time.
He is such a chicken s---t that he has his mommy come over and tell you to get a job, making it look like all along that you are a deadbeat and moved up there to be taken care of like a princess....but that is what he wanted you to believe.
Never ever move in with a man on the "promise" of a marriage. A lot of men are just happy to have a naked woman in their bed and they tell you what you want to hear because they are manipulative and they are users.
This guy is also a bully....and if he is a police officer he knows HOW to communicate, they teach them some of those skills in officer training.....he just doesn't think you are worth the effort.
None of this is your fault, he is a jerk, and the first red flag was his promise of marriage after only a couple of months...he is a con-artist and a liar.
Please throw in the towel. He hasn't phoned you for two weeks, he doesn't care about you or your feelings, but he is the type of guy who if you let him will keep creeping around in the fringes of your life while he courts other women, but claims they are "just friends". Men are not that complicated, he just is not into you and doesn't appreciate the amazing woman who was loving towards him and came with an open heart.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in that, you will be fine as soon as you get this loser out of your life. He isn't AMAZING, you just did not know his true character. By the way it usually takes about 18 months to really know a person's true character. Living together is not a great idea especially when you have a child.
Focus on being a mother, and not on finding a man to rescue you.....or you will be vunerable to users, they can see you coming.
Love yourself and don't put up with this poor treatment....seriously it makes me mad just reading this...he must have done a psychological number on you for you to let him wipe his feet on you, be done with you and you are willing to lie down and take all of the blame. It takes two, two willing partners. You don't have this in this man. Tell him not to let the screen door hit him in the ass when he drops off your stuff. Make him mail them to you, don't waste the gas to drive up to get it and make yourself have to go through satisfied look on his face when you make that excuse to come see him. Let him know under no uncertain terms that you are not waiting, you are not interested in being his friend, it is over.
Take care, chin up and move on, life is too short.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008): As the previous poster implied, he isn't behaving like a man! Just frim what you have told us, he is a cowardly Momma's boy! And to think he's "protecting" public is frightening! I quite frankly can't understand your comment that he is worth the wait! No one is worth what he is putting you through!
I agree that money problems can kill a relationship that isn't strong to begin with. And in these times, there aren't too many "stay at home Moms." I know, I am a preschool teacher in a wealthy area of the Southwestern U.S. And there even families with money, have both parents working! But, you have admitted to him that you screwed up, and you are willing to rectify it...I don't think that is the whole problem!
He is treating you like crap, and you are allowing it! You need to take a stand and let him know that you're not going to wait around for him! (well, that's what I would do, anyway) And not by emailing him, or texting him...by going there and picking up my things!!!
You and your daughter deserve better than this! Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (12 December 2008):
 STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! It seems that you have been taken in by a man who is just a foolish little boy. If he promised that you would be a stay at home Mom I am sure that you believed it and depended upon his word. Sometimes one finds themselves being offered many things until the realationship really gets going. When they soon realize they were being told what they wanted to hear.
Don't waste your chld's precious life trying to fit a mold that he has created for you. Take charge of yourself and be a better Mother to your child by not letting this man degrade or manipulate you any further. He was old enough to know that he couldn't probably take care of everything by himself, yet had you come to him. Nothing could wait, he manipulated you into moving there before you were ready, mostly to please him.
His Mom should stay out of it because he made the promisies that he didn't keep. She either isn't aware or she doesn't care. I agree that you might need a job, but my reasoning would be so you don't have to depend on any man who would treat you with such disrespect. He is allowing his Mother to make you feel bad about something that he promised and isn't man enough to confess to. Working will give you a higher self-worth and self_esteem. It will give you money to take care of your daughter and yourself so you won't feel so needy.
It didn't take him long to figure out that he needed a break whilst he was the one who had it all figured out and had you move there. His intentions may have been noble but his actions certainly haven't been. Let me say hon that it's ok to be given ORANGES! Until this man figures out that he has to be a REAL MAN and want you in every way he would only be giving you what you really need. They might look like Apples but they are bound to be ROTTEN.
I see how you think it's all your fault. Yet from what you say about him it looks like he has in some way made you feel guilty for things being like they are. This is most likely NOT the case. He is allowing you to be the problem so he doesn't look like a bsd guy. Think more of yourself. Stop calling him. Make arrangements to pick up your things and tell him that you both need a real seperation so you can both take time to figure out what you both need out of this relationship. Don't question his motives, everything you have been doing, STOP! Lean back and let him come to you. Stand your grounds and don't go back until you know for sure that things are financially stable. Get yourself a job for your peace of mind and the money that you will have to spend for yourself and your daughter. Don't worry about him, he will let you know in time if it's what he really wants. In time you might even realize that he isn't really what you want. You want someone to love.....you have someone...Your daughter. Focus on your daughter and don't allow anyone to make you feel needy or weak just for being you. Don't accept whatever he tells you just because you want to believe it, take you time to see that it is true before you accept anything. He has already shown you his different colors.....the true ones.
As far as the Apples and Oranges go........remember that 1 BAD APPLE can spoil a whole barrell.......
I would suggest that you gather up your ORANGES and when you get out all the seeds..........plant and fertilize them, water them and then let them grow...........One day you will be able to Harvest.
*Just a note: Oranges have thicker skins than apples! 8-)
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, samsmommy +, writes (12 December 2008):
 Even though your question was very long, it's really hard to tell exactly what's going on because I don't know you or this guy. But to me, it sounds like he doesn't want to date you anymore, he's probably just one of those guys that has a hard time breaking up with people. So he's stringing you along, not giving you a straight answer on whether or not he wants you to get the rest of your stuff, you'd think if he still wanted to be with you he would automatically say no, don't get the rest of your stuff. I hate to be the one to say this to you, and I'm sure you already know, but unfortunatly, when someone says that they want a "break", they never end up getting back together.As far as calling him again, I wouldn't. You've made it pretty clear that you want to get together and talk to him, so I would just wait until after Christmas, and if he hasn't called you, I would go get the rest of your stuff and bring him his. Don't let him string you along like this anymore, if he isn't calling you now and he still hasn't after Christmas, then you need to officially end it.Good Luck! Keep me posted ;)
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