A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm from USA originally, but I'm living abroad right now, and I have become extremely depressed about something. I feel that I can't go to my parents because it would torture them... they're far away and can't be with me to comfort me. I'm beginning to think that there is something profoundly wrong with me, and I'm starting to feel hopeless. I would like to connect with people and have close friends, but I can't seem to do that. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm EVER going to be happy or if my life is gonna pass me by completely.I've ALWAYS struggled to form close friendships, but lately this has been torturing me, because I'm so close and at the same time, so far away. I'm surrounded by the people I really want to be close to, and they've bonded with each other and do social things together, but I feel left out and shut out. I feel like I've ruined all these opportunities I could have had. I managed to become friends with several people, but they've all fallen away from me! Now I worry that I've ruined my chance of ever being close. I've talked to some people and they say that I come across as nervious, that I worry too much and that it scares people... and I think, How do I stop? I can't control my nerves or stop worrying. We're on vacation this week and I was really looking forward to it but it's been a massive disappointment. People who seemed eager to see me don't call me, and when I try calling them, and invite them to do something, they just say no. I feel like I'm a ghost that nobody can see, or that just frightens people away. Other people are bonding with each other, having a great time and finding their place and I'm shut out and it makes my heart hurt more than I can bear. I keep praying to the God I barely believe in anymore that things will change, and for the pain to stop, but something always happens to make my heart hurt more than I thought I could bear.I look at other people who have studied or taught abroad, and they've been successful, bonded with people, found their place and had a wonderful time... and I think... what the hell is WRONG with me? I can't help but compare myself to them and feel like a failure. All I have managed to accomplish is to make people fall away from me and to experience a series of painful experiences. I'm starting to hate myself because I can't seem to do anything right! Everything I do turns out completely wrong! I keep thinking, I have been given this wonderful opportunity, and I've BLOWN it, why can't I do anything right?I'm scared that my life is going to pass me by and it's tearing me up inside. I don't know if the reason is that I'm not as smart as most people, or if I don't have a human soul... people can be born physically deformed, or without limbs, etc. I'm beginning to wonder if my soul is twisted or deformed, or if I even have one! Everyone else who studies or teaches abroad seems to have positive experiences and I've had nothing but pain and loneliness, and I feel like a failure. I DON'T want to return home. I absolutely hated my hometown and I will never forget how desperate I was to escape. I miss my parents and I long to see my pets again but I was in a rut there and I didn't belong, and constantly imagined escaping. Now, I'm realizing that you take yourself WITH you... and there's something WRONG with me. I don't even know if there's hope for me, but I need help. It tortures me to be so close to the life I would have loved, and could have had if I hadn't ruined everything, and at the same time be a million miles away. PEople tell me that if I were to change, to worry less, for example, that I could be closer to them... of course I WANT to be closer to them, but I think, no one else seems to have serious defects, just ME. Everyone else seems to naturally bond with each other, I'm the one who has to change... it makes me feel inferior! I think... why are there conditions on friendship? If you can change for the better, you SHOULD, but doesn't friendship mean accepting people in spite of their defects?I wanted to study/teach abroad for YEARS, and now it's become a reality, but all the hopes and dreams that I had for this experience are dying. I wanted it to be special and I thought I'd make friends and have wonderful memories but all I'm experiencing is pain and loneliness. Why can't I be successful at ANYTHING? Have I ruined my chance of having close friends? I'm completely alone, and I feel like no one cares about the pain I'm in. I haven't talked to anyone about this but it's tearing me up inside. I need help. Thank you for reading this, if you have read this.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (21 April 2011):
 Well I don't know if you've been teaching for only a year or what, but just cause it's not-hometown doesn't mean it's going to feel Right either. Goals are idealized, and that's the only way we really achieve them, so congrats on getting to where you wanted yourself to be, but that doesn't take away from the fact that you're in a foreign territory in an unfamiliar and maybe surrounded by a different language/culture. This already can feel isolating. i've heard of many stories where people felt isolated during their abroad experience due to this. I'm not saying this is the only thing at work here, but that the loneliness you're experiencing is likely worsened by these circumstances.
A lot of people on this website come on with the same concern, that there's some social defect in them impeding their abilities to be social. I'm not super social either but I'll try to give you some ideas of new approaches:
1) bring someone with you to do something you love, whether it's exercise, an art or cooking class, going to market, shopping for an upcoming event. if they seemed to have had a good time, set a date right then for the next time you want to see them, either doing the same thing or an activity of their choice this time
2) keep yourself open. I find this pretty hard. You might be the kind of person like I am, where it's easier for us to see differences between yourself and others rather than the commonalities. Don't shut yourself off because you can't find these commonalities. As #1 suggests, commonalities can sort of be falsely constructed, that is, you can MAKE something common between two people through a mutual activity. but if you're already in a social setting not of your choice and you have to make conversation, the key to connecting to others is drawing parallels to yourself and others' experiences. You don't have to reinvent the wheel, you can just go on a variation of what they've discussed if you don't have any thing completely on point.
3) push yourself. you're clearly already out of your comfort zone: is your reaction to retreat or to face it? It sounds like retreat. You want to leave, but feel trapped because the only option is home. Have you tried exploring, traveling on weekends, enjoying the weather? Go on a picnic. Buy a bicycle. Take pictures. Explore. What I'm guessing,in part, inspired you to go overseas was to experience something different than your same-old, stuck in a rut hometown. Now that you're there, you're scared you're not taking advantages of the opportunities that are there, but the only way to stop being scared of not taking advantages of these opportunities is to actually embrace them and go after them.
4) teaching: how is teaching going, is that part of the failure you speak of? If so, my only comfort on that road is that you will probably learn more than you'll teach. Maybe you'll learn what works and what doesn't for the kids. Maybe you'll learn what works and doesn't work for you (ie. teaching, teaching at that grade level, finding you're more introverted and not 'cut out' for the boisterous Ms. Frizzle kind of thing). What I found important to teaching was constant evaluation and self-reassessment: are you doing the best you can and being the most effective? Can you ask for tips from the other teachers or maybe more administrative support? If part of your sadness has to do with teachers in the swing of things and you falling behind, try to convey to them what you think you're struggling with as a teacher. you say at the end of your entry that you feel like no one cares that you're in pain, but you also haven't TOLD anyone that you're struggling (except for us ;) , but there are a couple of issues with that: 1) you're sacrficing your happiness because you're trying to do what's best for the group (or at least it sounded like you thought your problems would be perceived more as a burden on your parents than anything else)--don't do that, you deserve to express yourself and to be happy too. 2) you're not doing yourself any favors (bonding wise, mental health wise) by suppressing your 'failures'--if you get it off your chest you might realize people are struggling the same way, if not about being abroad, about teaching, or at least have some insights, perspective on something you might not have considered.
Hope some of that helps
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 April 2011):
 You're seeking your validation and self worth in the acceptance of others. This is a very bad place to seek it. I know because I do this myself and it has cost me people who are dear to me at times.I think you're too focused on what's WRONG with you, when in fact, the thing that's wrong is that you think something is wrong. In all that focus on your negative, you fail to see your own positive. I do the same thing. Think about this, if you weren't special, or didn't have any good traits, you would not have been chosen to teach abroad. You had to apply for the position right? There were other applicants right? That means that people saw something special in you, so you need to figure out what that is and focus on it.Friends should accept you for who you are, but nobody wants to start a friendship with someone who's baggage keeps them from enjoying the company of others. Once a friendship is established, the dynamic can change. In this regard, it sounds like you're unable to just relax and not question things. Once you alienate a connection, it becomes difficult to re-establish.It sounds like you have a couple people who are willing to talk to you and tell you what they think. I think those people are your best prospects to start friendships with. Convincing them may be difficult, but come up with something fun to do, maybe some sights to go and see together, and try to get them to come. If you can manage to all have a good time, that will start things on a positive cycle, and they'll be more apt to hang out again in the future.You're only worth what you think you're worth. If you can manage to find a way to believe in yourself, people will see that because it shows through in everything you do. It's a difficult process. One I'm working on as well.
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