A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:A while ago i fell in love with a girl who dumped me to go on a 3 week orgy effectivly, she was my first love. I think i am now over her, expecially after i slept with the girl across my road as soon as i could, just to take my gaze off her, and so i still have this strong feeling towards her, its a very bitter hate, but then again i keep having these bizarre and messed up fantasies about her. Lots of my friends hear me rant about her and joke about how i need help etc. and since her i have been through a string of girls, many of whom i have had a crush on for a while and i just cant love them. whats up with me???ps i realise i am a man and this all sounds quite feminine (sorry if that offends anybody but it is true, men never show much affection like this)
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female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (25 October 2010):
Your under 16, your still a kid and you shouldnt be worrying about all this stuff. Dont worry about finding a relationship and falling in love with someone just enjoy life and have a laugh your not even legal age to have sex.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Well, at least you're not having sex with all these girls but your behavior isn't much better than guys who do.
Take some time for yourself. You need it. The root of this problem is that you're not over your ex. Until you get past that relationship, you can count on never having a satisfying relationship again.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Like dirtball said, you are not having healthy relationships with women. The way you describe it it sounds like you have a "use and toss" mentality about women. You would do better to not date anyone until you are ready, and you are not yet ready when you go about it as you are doing right now.
Whats the harm in having sex with a person you don't really care about, whom you only had sex with to get over your ex? There is a lot of harm in it. I hope nothing harmful has happened yet though. But to mention some things: you are first off all giving away your body to someone you don't care about, and you are thereby disrespecting yourself, and her for that matter. Second off, one of you could fall in love, because sex goes hand in hand with emotions, third: she could get pregnant, and then you would be stuck with a person you never cared about and your child will have to live with being the result of irresponsible behavior. And last but not least, there is a reason why minors are not allowed to have sex. It is because teens don't understand consequences, which is why you think it is harmless. You don't see the consequences.
I advice you to stop having meaningless sex. People are not ready for sex until they are ready for the responsibility it brings: sex is how you make babies. And many babies come of it to, and until you are prepared to take that consequence you shouldn't be having sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats all good, but I have only had sex with one of the girls and we only did it because we both got drunk and once we done once we did not see the harm in doing it again
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 October 2010):
You are not a man. You are a boy. And you are not yet fully developed. That is the only reason why you think you can't love. You can love. But love is not something you decide do to, it is something you feel only for people who are very special to you. So no, crushing on some girls you don't really care about, it doesn't surprise me that you don't love them. You didn't really ever get serious with them. Love doesn't pop up out of nowhere. It takes a little bit more than wishing for it too.
You are not over your ex. That much I can tell. And you will find it hard to move on until you have gotten over her. You can love again even though you aren't 100% over your ex, but it will be hard. Just give yourself the time you need! What's the rush, why do you feel there is something wrong with you because you can't love again?
And how do you know you truly loved your ex? At your age most people don't fully understand what love actually is.
So, to sum it up: you are a boy, but boys and men alike do have feelings. Don't be bothered by the "guys don't cry" talk, everyone has feelings, but men typically express them differently from girls. However you are perfectly alright to have feelings. Second, you aren't over your ex. Third, you don't really understand yet what true love is, and that is because you are not mature enough yet, you are a young teenager. With more experience you will understand your feelings better. But for now, trust me when I say there is nothing wrong with you, and that love will come into your life again when you are ready.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): You're still getting over her. You're hurt. You're upset. You're emotionally broken at the messed-up thing she did that ended your relationship. It sounds like you didn't get any closure, she just up and left to go fool around? It stings, and it will for a while. Going through girls that mean nothing to you is kind of... I don't want to say normal for men, but it's normal for that kind of thought process where you're broken and hurt and just need someone to take your mind off events. It doesn't mean you'll never love again, it doesn't even mean you don't love now. You're trying to get over it in your own way. My advice? Therapy. Stop sleeping with random girls that you have tiny crushes on. If they know that nothing is going to happen from it and it's just a sex-friend-whatever type deal... then okay. But if they're assuming it's starting a relationship, you're essentially doing to them what your ex did to you in that you'll be hurting them. So, see someone professionally, find other alternatives to let it go and move on.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 October 2010):
Says who, by the way you're not a man yet. You've got a lot of maturing to do first. Men are emotional too, we're just taught not to show it. In my book, real men don't become users of women like you have.
What I see as a big part of your problem is sex. You should stop having it for a while. You're rushing into sex with all these girls and not taking the time to establish a real relationship first. It could be because you feel you weren't sexual enough for that GF who left you. It could be other things too. Whatever the case, you're not having healthy relationships with women.
Your friends may be right. You sound like you could use some professional help. To me, it sounds like you never coped with the loss of your first love, and that's part of the reason you still are so bitter and hatefull about it. You never got real closure, so she's still on your mind, haunting you.
So, to sum up my suggested course of action. Seek the help of a professional councelor. They will help you talk through the problem and hopefully properly grieve the loss of your first love. Next, give up dating for a while. Since none of your relationships are working out anyway, it is best that you focus on you for a while. Figure out your issues before putting yourself back out there.
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