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*ithnail700
writes:Help! Two months ago I split up with my girlfriend of two years and I'm haunted continuously by my own unanswered questions. She and I dated for two years after meeting on an online dating site. It was nice enough at first, but after six months I ended it because I had doubts. I started seeing someone else, but then realised I missed my ex and we got back together again. Ashamedly (for me) this happened a further FOUR times in our two years together. It was always the same pattern. When I was with her I would have the doubts and endlessly question the realtionship, to the point of driving myself nuts. Then we'd split and I be fine for a few weeks, then would start to crave her again and the pattern would repeat itself. The final time we got back together we almost bought a house together and at one point I felt great about the prospect of us being together 'properly' and long term. But again, after only two months I found myself 'going out of my mind' - wanting out and feeling depressed, to the point of planning to leave my current life and seek another elsewhere. The final straw came when I went to meet another girl I'd met online - although I don't know why. I just ended up wanting to see this other girl. My ex found out and she left me the next day, this time for good. Who could blame her? Again, I felt that that it was for the best, that things were finally over. I told myself over and over that she was wrong for me, that it wasn't 'love'. Now two months have passed and I'm again loaded to the gunnels with self doubt and reflection. I miss her and it's driving me insane. How can I still be thinking this, after two years of the most destructive type of relationship and so much hurt? I damaged her emotionally beyond comprehension and did the same to myself in the process. She hates me now and won't even exchange emails, and again, who could blame her? She's taken so much punishment and she wants to move on. I'm plagued. What is LOVE? I don't understand it! I'm 36 years old and still, my inner feelings tell me I've not yet found the 'real thing'. My ex was beautiful, intelligent, fun, kind and sincere and loved me in a way that few women have, but still, I found that I just couldn't arrest the doubts - my gut was nagging me all the time, endlessly having me question my feelings toward her. Did I love her? I still don't know. Does anyone? What is love? I so badly need the answers. I'm terrified that I DID love her - and that I threw away true love, simply because I'm searching for some idealistical 'in love' state of mind that may not even exist! Two women so far have told me I'm searching for something that doesn't exist, and now I am starting to think that they may be right. I told my ex I loved her. But in all honesty I never really believed myself when I said those precious words. I dreaded saying them, always put it off because in a sense it felt as if I was lying to her and being insincere. I felt I had to leave her, again and again. But now the doubts are building again and I think about her continuously. I'm scared. I've had quite a few girlfriends in my life, but never struggled to leave someone like have with my ex. I miss her, want her even, but cannot face the prospect of ruining her life again. Can anyone tell me what true love is and how to know if you're in love? I feel as if I'm going insane.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (31 August 2006):
 Hey there! Im chuffed that you took it board and its gone someway in to helping you, sometimes its the wierd and wonderful thats perfect... bit like me (just kidding)!
I really do hope that you continue to feel hopeful, and uplifted, every experience we come across, is the path we choose to take in life...
Take care, What will be, will be x x
A
male
reader, Withnail700 +, writes (30 August 2006):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for your considered and empathic reply. Yours has been the most helpful of all the answers I have received and I can honestly tell you that you have made the difference between my feeling low and negative to feeling hopeful and better about my life.
I really do now believe that one day I might meet someone who will make sense out of all the chaos, and bring lasting happiness to my life. And if I don't, well I guess it was just never meant to be and I will have to accept that; but better a life alone and true to oneself than one that requires living a lie.
Thank you again and take care.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (18 August 2006):
Not sure that I can really define what true love is but can maybe share with you what happend to a male friend of mine.
He constantly went thorugh life looking for the ever perfect.. does that exist even something perfect ? I suspect not as we all have a different view on what is perfect.. anyway... He would date lots of women, not for sexual gain or anything like that, more companionship and someone to have a laugh with and to cuddle and to hopefully fall in love.. he had many a girl fall backwards in love with him and he could feel for them but not love them, he would do things for them that you would think only a man would do, suprise weekends away to paris that type thing always be reliable and constantly caring but they only ever lasted 6 or so months at a time.. he wanted so badly to love back as he was being loved but something just didnt feel right, he had feelings but not the right connection.. overtime this started to wear him down and he made him actually feel a little depressed, people around him were falling in love settling down and he couldnt find the one... was he trying to hard to fall for people that he didnt have the right connection with, was the trying so hard making him feel that it wasnt right when it was ? Was it viewing other people differently and seeing they were in love but didnt think his was the same ? Well he almost gave up after years of trying to find someone to fall in love with, he thought he loved them but he knew deep down that something was missing, maybe he had the button switched off and didnt allow himself to fall im not sure... now seeing as most of his relationships ended after 6 months as he didnt feel he loved them how surprised was i to one day get an invite to his wedding!!! He had met a girl and knew that he was head over heels in love... he had stopped looking and it snuck up on him... so much so that after two months he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and nothing or nobody was gonna stop him! Now people would think it wouldnt last given his track record... but 8 years later they are still married... he still tells me how in love he is with her and how suddenly she woke him up to how life is and how wonderful things are around him, and how as one they feel together and how amazing she allows him to feel, to let go, and to be free but united at the same time... now to me thats love! "she woke him up" Now just a hunch, but maybe deep down you are not ready to be loved and love back and thats holding you back... im no expert on it, but maybe that button inside you as yet to be turned on... the trying too hard to find something so perfect can maybe make you think its not perfect because your looking for it in a different form... Im not sure, but maybe your expecting it to feel a whole lot different... from my experience, and i do love my partner, its like a whirlwind that catches you in it and doesnt let you come back down... im always thinking of my guy, good or bad... always looking forward for him to come home, knowing he feels the same, knowing that i can express myself freely and openly and not be judged, able to open myself up to be me plus his lover, i feel like im cherised and feel stronger for loving him, it made me feel special to love him, to crave him when hes not there, to run to him when we have been apart, to always be in his arms and no one elses... all those things to me are love... its not that easy to write it down as its such an intense feeling, but one that totally overwhelmes me but also enables me to be as free as bird...
Maybe some of this will help towards how you are feeling, and maybe you havent found that special person, sometimes trying to hard to do somethign can have the adverse affect, maybe you need to try a little less harder and go with the flow and see what happens... it happen to my friend who by the way is 40 now and he didnt think it ever would he thought he was looking for perfect and stopped trying and then all of a sudden the bug bit him.
Maybe be patient and see what life deals you, allow yourself to be more open to adverse thinking and let go a little you could be holding back and not realising.. take time to reflect its hard you did what you did to your ex, but you have to move on from it so it will allow you to grow.. maybe it was a life experience and you needed that to be able to grow and will one day maybe stand you in good stead of better things to come along..
So there are the ramblings of a mad woman lol
Take care x x
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male
reader, Withnail700 +, writes (17 August 2006):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am ashamed of my behavior, most definitely. I'm sure her poor father was on the verge of having me shot, and with good cause. And it saddens me to think that I did so much emotional damage to such a sweet and innocent girl, especially as none of this was her doing - all mine and my innability to galvanise my feelings for her. Pathetic I guess. Am I ill though? That's a tough one. Perhaps. I really don't know. My current thinking as to why I did what I did is because I desperately want to find love and settle down, have kids and buy a home; and it's this desire that is causing me to hurt people by maybe staying with them when I should have got out . I don't really think I've found the 'real thing' and to make matters worse I keep meeting women who are lovely and perfect in every way, except for whatever reason I can't love them back as they seem to love me. I don't really know why though.We're told that 'true love' is rare, and that on average a human being only falls in love once or twice in a lifetime. I tend to believe that this might well be the case, depending on how one defines 'true love'. If on the other hand, true love is something that one 'decides' to encounter when one is ready, then it might be fair to assume that we could fall in love with anyone so long as they look okay and say the right things. Something deep down tells me that this is not the case though. Perhaps thought, there is an undefinable 'x-ingredient' that is so seldom encountered, yet when it is, drives us to do and say seemingly mad and crazy things. Perhaps being 'in love' means that you're overjoyed to be with her and you can't stop thinking about her - or get her out of your dreams. If those are some of its symptoms then I've not yet been there. In my own case I meet wonderful, kind, caring and sincere women whom I WANT to feel that way for, yet can't for whatever reason. Is faithfulness selective? I tend to think not. We do what we do, not because we decide to do it, but because we WANT to do it, or even because we feel we HAVE to do it. Perhaps true love is a state of mind whereby one can do nothing other than love that person - no matter whom they are or what they look like. And perhaps, sadly, only a small minority of us actually experience its true power in our short lifetimes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Have you ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? Up to ten million North Americans suffer from BPD.
Do you often feel ashamed and confused by your behaviour? Do you have radical mood swings? Frequent emotional outbursts? Unreasonable expectations?
It sounds like there is some cause within you that needs to be dealt with.
Please see an idividual counselor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Well dear, I do have to admire your honesty. You know that the women in your life-aren't keeping you miserable...you are! Firstly, stop dwelling on the ex gf. She can't count on you anymore or rely on you to honor your committments and you seem way too focused on with what you can't have anymore. You have proven that to her so there is no turning back. So now, where do you go from here? You move ahead and you fix yourself. You deal with your sense of loneliness, your neediness for attachment and your inability to commit totally. Learn that sexual passion and desperate attachments lead people like yourself to believe they are in love, initially. And then when the humdrum of life settles in...one gets antsy, complacent, lazy. You have to grow into love with a special person, over a long time..you nuture and let it grow ..slooowly. You do not assume it's existing through the throes of "passion and great sex". One of the things most people assume when they 'fall in love'...that that feeling will just stay that way. Well, I'm going to say it doesn't. True, long lasting love is not a feeling...it's a decision and it takes hard work to earn it and keep it. So may people think they should simply just 'have it'. This is why so many people complain about that spark being gone in a relationship...they have expectations of the other person to 'give that feeling to them'. They don't want to work darned hard at it and contribute to the love, themselves. It's a self-centered, me-me attitude, which is so destructive. You will find a true love someday but only when you understand it's something you 'decide' to do and something you 'decide' to work hard at...even through all the hard, trying times. Good Luck, dear and I hope you find what your heart desires. Take your time, give yourself a break and just focus on recovery and inner happiness.
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reader, Withnail700 +, writes (16 August 2006):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Giggles - you seem to know me better than I feel I know myself and have helped me tonight, greatly! May I thank you again for your answer to my question and wish you every success in your own quest for happiness.
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female
reader, giggles +, writes (16 August 2006):
hello dont worry you aint alone on this at all.i think you are panacking because you crave affection even you knew that you were unsure of what you were actually feeling and that is because you got youre self caught up in a pattern that seems similar to a ride on a round about. i think you are worring and rushing into having a relationship i have seen this before with male friends i have that reach a certain age and plunge into relationships because they worry about living a lonely life in later life.dont worry you will find that person eventually consentrate on what you true want from a relationship first and figure out who you are and what you have to offer someone how can they love you back when your'e not giving them any clues on what you need to be committed to them.and your question of what love is? i say that it is when you have an amazing connection with someone and you dont have to even think about saying how you feel worrying that you are lying it comes naturally and it is effortless you cant make it happen it just will and believe me you will know when you find the right person.this however doesn't mean you have to keep plunging into a relationship with the first lady that pays you some attention look at what you have done in the past and learn from where things have gone wrong(what did they do wrong and what did you do wrong, what made them hapy and vice versa.) i just recently came out of a relationship where a pattern had formed that wasn't good for either of us but i broke out of it and am happy being me now and figuring out who i am and what i really need to be happy.there's no need to rush with these things as im finding out and most of the time love with someone happens when you least expect to find it and when you aint constantly looking. good luck and hope in the future you find someone you will treat with respect and they do the same to you.
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