A
female
age
41-50,
*zj1
writes:I was with my ex-fiance for 3 years. He had rage issues which caused me to leave. He would pound his fists into his own head (very hard) in anger at me, he'd scream at me, etc but he never actually hit me. I was sad and felt trapped at times, but finally decided to leave. My Mom was staying there temporarily, and witnessed his rage and she warned me NOT to let him know that I was planning on leaving him because she feared that she would have to "bury her daughter". Despite my feelings, I decided to follow her suggestion and I left him while he was at work. He came home and couldn't believe that I left him that way and said he was hurt and claims that he would have "never hit me". My problem is that I have enormous guilt for leaving him in this manner and following my Mom's suggestion even though I understand why she said it. Now its been 2 months since I've left him and even though I left, I can't stop thinking about, obsessing about what he is doing and with who. I even apologized to him ( even though he will not apologize for his part in this) for the way I left, and have been so depressed and love and miss him and he hates me and does not want me contacting him. He has made it clear that he doesn't want to get back together because he could never trust me again.When I still lived there I suggested counseling, and he refused. Since I left, I keep suggesting counseling to work on the issues, but he still refuses and hates me and seems to be doing just fine without me. I don't understand why I still have feelings for him and why I can't let go. My family thinks that I have issues that I need to see a therapist for ( which I believe too). I can't let him go, I feel like I have trouble detaching. How does he just move in with his life as if I didn't matter? Even though he could be the sweetest man I have ever known, he was also the meanest too, like Dr.Jekkyl/Mr.Hyde. Please help me understand myself and his actions.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 September 2015):
 Sounds like Stockholm Syndrome to me. Its basically "a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors."
Forget about him and how he deals with his life...that's *his* problem, not yours. You need to deal with your feelings effectively, starting right now. Stop talking to him; he doesn't need you. You're the one running after him. Your family is absolutely right...*you* need therapy.
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (7 September 2015):
 From what you describe your ex has an anger/rage disorder and he needs to be medicated. Therapists could help only after getting on medication, meaning after he gets a grip on himself and only to help him manage the anger episodes. Look up Intermittent Explosive Disorder because he also imposes physical harm, in his case, onto himself. These rage disorders are often accompanied with other psychological issues like depression, autism or bipolarity. Sometimes men like him, who denies his own abnormal psychological state and thinks that he does not need help, may actually decide otherwise after someone whom they love, like you, abandons them.
So maybe you miss him for compassion reasons as you did not help him but I guarantee that you do not miss his rage. I would suggest that you switch your focus away from yourself and focus more on him. You've abandoned him and use that as your leverage over him to get him psychiatric help and get him to take meds. He claims that he can't trust you but that is, in my estimation, a negotiating tactic to get you back on his own terms and not yours. Your terms should be meds or nothing. Once he is on meds you may have more clarity as to what you wish to do.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 September 2015):
 Missing an ex is normal and is part of the grieving process. Refusing contact does not mean he's moving on fast. He can only move on if he stops talking to you. You should do the same too. You would think being friends would ease the guilt but it only prolongs the pain and confusion.
When your mother told you to leave, it is for good. She did not tell you to leave him then talk to him again. You don't leave someone to teach them a lesson. When you break up, you did it in a way to save yourself. To tell him you love him would have no meaning.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2015): I have been with a guy for nearly 3 years and recently he ended things with me. When we argued he said the most disgusting and awful things I have ever heard out of anybodies mouth. If I said them all I'd probably end up crying. He didn't hit me, he slapped me and grabbed me sometimes, but I was never really badly hurt. Whenever we argued I despised him so much and I wish I never met him. Constant text messages, he would phone my place of work, one time he chased me round the block and snatched my phone and keys screaming slut at me. He then turned up where I worked and banged the doors and me and my colleague were stuck inside and I had to phone the police.He called me fat, he said I was ugly, he saw his ex behind my back, he was caught drink driving. All of these awful things were just hell to go through. I knew I had to break up with him but I never did. Now that he's broken up with me and I no longer have the constant texts, him turning up, him turning the charm on and making me feel good after talking to me like crap I'm sat there with an empty feeling, like there's nothing else going on in my life. Feeling extremely bored because I don't have some fight going on. I stopped seeing friends and family and he isolated me from everybody.It's not that I really miss this scumbag it's that he's isolated me and turned me into a shell of somebody I used to be. Our sex life was amazing and I miss having sex and him making me feel good after making me feel so bad. I need to work on getting friendships back and doing all the things I really enjoyed before these ups and downs with him consumed my life.When he found out my mother and friends were worried that he'd hurt me he said exactly the same as your ex did and got really angry making out he would never physically hurt me. Well a scary ass man chasing me round and following me to work is hurting me emotionally and causing so much stress it made me ill.You may just be feeling bored and you're at a loose end with what to do with yourself.
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A
female
reader, czj1 +, writes (6 September 2015):
czj1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy do I miss him so much? How can he move on so fast after 3 years?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 September 2015):
Maybe the thing you are missing is that intense, engulfing love that he seemed to deliver. You are feeling empty after you were used to the highs and lows. It's possible that one day he would crawl back to you begging for another chance and that is why you have to stay strong and keep on detaching. He's punishing you with the silent treatment, thinking that would knock you down into thinking that you have to be nice to him to win him back. You have to realize that crazy passion you call love is not really love. If you want excitement in life there are healthier things to do besides a passionate relationship. You need to be able to fill the tanks without the help of any man.
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