A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm feeling really down at the moment and I just need some help about what I should do. Thanks for any replies :)I'll try and make it short.. So me and this guy have know each other for almost 6 years now. We've had a casual on off relationship going for the entire time we've know each other, but we've never been serious as circumstances and location have always gotten in the way. Recently (past year or so) we moved closer to each other and so got to see eachither far more often than before. During this time we became a lot closer, and we were pretty much a couple. I've had feelings for him for a long time, but I've never actually expressed this to him as we never spoke about what we were and I was terrified of losing him completely. So it's 6 years passed and now I completely in love with him. I've never clicked with anyone like him and we just get eachother. Back in January, he told me that he was planning on going travelling for a year and asked me to go with him. At the time I had no money, but I told him that I would love to and let him know as soon as I'd saved up enough for flights. He even offered to help me by paying part of my flights which I turned down because I was a bit overwhelmed by his offer! (And I wanted to save on my own). He was so keen on the idea of us going together.So now he's gone.. and I'm still here. My financial situation is a lot better and pretty soon, I'll be able to afford to book flights. The only thing is since he's left, we hardly speak because he's busy travelling around. He's made new friends and hasn't mentioned anything more about me going out since he's left. I saw him a week before he went and I fully broke down in front of him because I wasn't sure when I would see him again. He hugged me and kissed me and said "see you out there" but I'm not sure if he meant that? I miss him so much and I want nothing more than to be out there travelling with him but I don't know what to do and I don't know why I'm feeling like this. We were so close and I think I'm scared because we've never been in this situation where we'd be together for a long amount of time. I think I'm just scared of the what might happen, but I'm even more scared of regretting never giving it a chance. It might not seem like it from what I've written, but I love him with all of my heart! I'm scared he doesn't feel the same.. What would you do in my situation? Thanks again, I'm a bit all over the place at the minute!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): I think to some degree he has moved-on, and since you never really let him know how serious you wanted to be; he must have assumed it was a casual relationship with benefits, or you're just dating. You don't mention if the relationship was intimate; but he never defined it. How convenient?
When a guy doesn't declare you his girlfriend, or ask you to be; you are a friend with benefits. Particularly, if there was regular sex involved. If you've neglected to ask him to define the romantic connection between you; you left it up to him to make his own assumptions and set his own terms. He would thereby keep his options open, and remain available on market.
If he isn't in contact that much, this is your cue to start detaching your feelings. He knows you well, and already knew you couldn't afford to keep up with him. How much are you sacrificing to track him down? I would suggest that if you do any traveling; let be for your own pleasure, and let him find his way back to you.
It is no longer a question of how you feel about him. The question is, how does he feel about you?
So either stay put, or find a place YOU really want to go; and invite him to meet you there. Do not uproot your life for something so flimsy. I speculate he is probably dating someone else, and counting on you to just move-on. He feels safely out of reach. Without him having to officially breakup like you were in a committed-relationship. Which by your own description, it probably isn't.
If you stay put, he will be forced to make an inquiry of why you haven't come? Then you can tell him, that you were hoping you had a committed relationship; but his actions have shown otherwise. He will either have to commit at that point, or let you go. Remove your feelings. If he really wanted you to be there; he would go out of his way to get you there. His previous offer was out of politeness; and he knew or hoped you would decline. I hope I'm wrong, but I doubt it.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 September 2015):
 From your description of your (and, his) situation.... I'd say that you are his "bit on the side".... ON STEROIDS!!!!... and he has no incentive to get any closer to you.... or, to accommodate you any more than he has been doing......
I predict that this empty "sort-of-relationship" will continue as long as YOU content yourself with it....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): Are you currently working or attending school? A big factor in this would be how much time will you ba able to take to 'go away' with him? How much time do you WANT and can afford to take off?
I would write him to see where his next stops are and see if you can meet up. Maybe accompany him to a few places but not the entire trip as it might be costly.
At the moment what you are feeling is unsure. What scares us most is not know what will happen and allowing our minds to go crazy imaging all the possibilities, in most cases tend to be negative. You're afraid that your friendship or his feelings for you will drift and fade because he's out exploring the world, out of sight out of mind. You're afraid he may meet new females and develop new relationships. Fear of the unknown is causing you to go a big crazy worrying right now.
Remember tho.. If you truly care for someone, distance and travels does not take that feeling away. On the contrary, they only make him miss you more, wishing you could be there to share the experience with him. He will definitely meet new people - both males and females, but no one will ever be able to replace what you are to him. Throughout the 6 years you've known him, there were times you were closer and times you were not, yet you both kept the friendship.. what makes you think it'll be any different now?
Think positively and have some trust in him. In the meantime, decide how long you'll be able to 'go away' for, then message him and work something out. Bear in mind that he may not always have access to the internet and may not reply as quickly as you wish, be patient and don't take that negatively.
Bon voyage & have a blast!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 September 2015):
 I hate to tell people the difference between infatuation and true love. For a relationship to work, you need both elements of excitement and stability. A guy who travels a lot would not even think about serious relationships. A hug and kiss does not necessarily mean he thinks of you that way.
I had been there, totally enamoured by a guy without reason. For 6 years, no one else could match up to him? That's hard to believe. I think if you gave other guys a chance you would realize the only piece missing towards your romantic happiness is action. But you need someone who is available to you, location wise and emotional readiness. It's everyone's dream to travel around carefree. When it comes to relationships, it's impractical. Someone who needs to see the world, be free, does not want to be tied down with responsibilities. I know it's inspiring to meet a person who defies convention. You must not think that's the only criteria for a partner.
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