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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:well ive been married for 2 years and everything seems typical , but i have a problem i cant let go of , my wife told me she has had over 50 one night stands ! it bothers me sometime i feel like a sucker , she also has had three ways with guys and girls ,my first problem is i dont look at her the same and i think less of her , what should i do , divorce ? second i feel left out shes done all these crazy things in bed with other people but not me , am i not special or worth it?
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divorce, her past, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (26 April 2010):
The past does matter. Yos and TTM and right. There really are only two option here friend.As for me, I been dealing with for almost a year now. I wish I could tell you it gets better magically. I wish I could tell you there is some magical way for you feel better. There just isn't.My girlfriend and I have been seeing a couples theprist and it helps some. I still get into moments where I feel depressed. To make it worst, my girlfriend also cheated on me. Trust me I understand the feeling of 'nothing between us is special'. I told my girlfriend that. She freaked out a little bit. Not mad just upset. She was upset because she felt so much of what we have is special. Right now, I told her the truth. I am committed to trying. To try and work it out. I cam not commit to her and say no matter what I will be with you. I just can't. It takes some people a long time to come terms with what their partner did. It's been a year and I still havent.If you want to read their replies to my thread...http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-her-promicuous-past-including.html
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010): It's me Yos. I got disgusted with the way the board was going and letting myself getting pulled into arguments, so I left. I very occasionally read the questions like this one to see if I can help. The rest I stay away from and don't even read. I will ask someone to PM you and give you an e-mail address.
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male
reader, tannedarmyguy +, writes (23 April 2010):
Divorce her. The past does matter. So if you meet someone and they told you they murdered 50 innocent women and children you would over look it bc its the past and they dont do it anymore..? The past is the past but its still a huge part of who you are as a person in the present and who you will be in the future... I wouldnt trust her n a room full of men women or cucumbers.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): But here is a problem, you don't like her charactor,don't you?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Is that you TTM? May I ask why you went anon? I can't message you now!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): "I'm a bit disappointed by the responses here."Totally agree. This has always been the case from some people, but when I asked my similar question over 2 years ago at least I got some great help from a couple of very nice women. More recently the help has been mostly non-existent, except from you and a very few others.Calling his feelings a double standard is a joke. It would be a double standard if the OP had 50 one night stands, but I think that is not the case at all. Perhaps the OP can clarify that. I know that was not the case for you and I Yos."I would add that despite her past she may very well be a great wife and stay faithful to you. A promiscuous past is not a direct indicator of a promiscuous future."Very true, as Yos and I can attest to."People who say the past doesn't matter are quite simply wrong. Our pasts define who we are. Our experiences in life affect us. Whilst it is important to be optimistic and not tied to the past, it's nonsense to say it's irrelevant."Also totally agree. As I have said in the past, women and men have every right to sleep with as many partners as they wish while single. However, any future partner has an equal right to not approve of that. To say otherwise is hypocrisy and that person is the one engaging in a double standard. It is too bad that this once helpful forum has been more recently flooded with hypocrisy.
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female
reader, TooGenerous +, writes (23 April 2010):
 The past is the past, period. I know my boyfriend of 12 years sowed his wild oats, as well as I. It doesn't matter though! You need to not think about it. If you want to spice things up in the bedroom, then go and buy something that will spice it up!! It takes 2 to tango!
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reader, Yos +, writes (23 April 2010):
Being told this before or after you got married makes a big difference. If you knew this going in, then you have a serious obligation to try to make things work. But if she told you after, you are well within your rights to divorce.
By any standard, 50+ one night stands, and threesomes, is on the extreme end of sexual behaviour. It's completely understandable for you to have issues with it. It's neither having double standards or being disrespectful. Many men would have the same issue, perfectly normal and well-adjusted men.
I'm a bit disappointed by the responses here. People who say the past doesn't matter are quite simply wrong. Our pasts define who we are. Our experiences in life affect us. Whilst it is important to be optimistic and not tied to the past, it's nonsense to say it's irrelevant. Ask the hundreds of thousands of psychotherapists who work by dealing with people's troubled pasts if it matters or not... if our pasts had no effect, they'd all be out of a job.
What you have learned about your wife is not meaningless. It does matter. But at the same time you don't have to let it control you.
You have a decision to make.
Either you decide to stay with her. In which case you have to let go of this. Don't think about it, don't bring it up, just push it away, and keep pushing it away if it tries to sneak up on you. Some people find this easy to do, others not. I have written about ways to do this frequently on this site, check my profile for links.
Or you decide it's not what you wanted, and you leave. If you do, then do so with kindness. Don't make her feel bad about it, it's your thing not hers. But also don't feel wrong about doing it. If you can't handle it, you can't handle it. There's no shame in that: plenty of other men have left relationships and marriages for less than this.
I would add that despite her past she may very well be a great wife and stay faithful to you. A promiscuous past is not a direct indicator of a promiscuous future. With men it tends to be, with women not so much.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (23 April 2010):
 You can't hold her past against her, don't do that. She is your wife, please treat her with respect whatever she did in her past is her past and you should leave it at that. May I ask you why did you married a non virgin, if your were going to use her sexual past against her.
**Double Standard**
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): As a additional thought, I think that the people here could use more information about this situation than what you have given. For instance, when did you find out about this? Did she lie to you originally and then recently tell you the truth? What types of things did she do with other guys and won't do with you? Did she do those things willingly with them or did she allow herself to be coerced into doing things that she didn't want to or didn't like? If she did things that she didn't want to, there must be some reason for that, like a big lack of self esteem back then. Perhaps she has solved that problem and now has the courage to not be forced into things that she doesn't want to do. A little more information please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): From what you said, I am assuming that you did not know of this until after you were married. There was a similar question to this 2 years ago and there was a lot of good discussion on it there. I suggest that you read this discussion:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
I think that you will get more out of this old discussion than if I try to discuss or repeat any of what was said there.
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reader, Treasure92 +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I recently told my boyfriend about my three way with guys and girls and too many one nightstands and he looks at me a little different but we are still together because the future is important not the past its done and over with you can't change it.
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reader, MrReasonable +, writes (23 April 2010):
Dear Sir, They say we should date with our eyes wide open and when we get married, keep them halfway shut. I think there is a lot of wisdom in this. Although our past affects who we are today, it's important to realize that we love people for who they are, not what they've done (even though someone's past reflects on who they are). It's difficult when you discover something unfavorable about someone that you care deeply for, but it's not the end of the world. However, I believe that it will be important, first of all, for you to feel that she's truly moved past that part of her life. Secondly, to answer your feelings about things that she's done with past partners but not with you... There could be several reasons for this. The first one may simply be that you haven't brought it up. If you are curious about trying new things with her, then just ask her. You may be pleasantly surprised. Another possibility is that she tried those things and found out that she didn't enjoy them. Another possibility is that with past partners, the relationship wasn't meaningful to her, and so the things that she did lacked emotional touch to them and so we're purely physical, where as she loves you and married you, she may feel a greater level of respect and care in your relationship, as it's very important to her. My bet, though, is that if she was involved in such activities in the past, and enjoyed it then, she would be more than willing to be involved in them with you if you'd just ask. I guess the real question you need to ask yourself is do you love her, or did you just love the idea of who she was? If you love her, then you would be willing to allow her a chance to change, become better and essentially see how that hurts you and feel bad about how her past choices are impacting you. If you are more in love with the idea of who you thought she was, then it would probably be best to let her move in with your life and you move on with yours. In any case, I hope that she is the one that you are in love with and that you can work through it. Every marriage has its challenges, and yours do not sound easy...But I believe that you will do what's right for both you and her, and that you can both be happy as long as you'll keep that line of communication open and continue to work through it together...If you haven't already, let her know how this makes you feel and if she loves you, she'll understand and try to work through it with you. I wish you the best.-Mr. Reasonable
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): She is your wife and she deserves to be respected and treated like a lady.Double standards dude! As long as she has not cheated on you her past should not matter to you. My momma always taught me to treat a lady as what she is a lady,and a lady does not looses her class because of how many man she slept with this is what makes her who she is now. Value your and treasure your wife if this is the only concern you have, because not once did you mention she mean, lazy, or a bad women.My momma is a single hard working mother and has different ideas than her momma or her grandma had, and she is bringing me up with this modern mentality and I like it, So I'm just sharing the knowledge dude don't be just a Man instead be a real man, a real man don't kiss and tell. A real man do not remember any of his wife past!
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Her one night stands were not about fun. It's about her desperately trying to get her womanness back. If she is not fully recovered be patient and try to be understanding. If she is back to normal again thank God for giving her the courage to live. She chose a difficult path in life. What doesn't kill her make her stronger. What she had done is nothing to be jealous of. You are not miss anything. Start doing crazy things with her. If she is bi then she might appreciate a threesome. To be fair that means, woman woman man and also man man woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): First of all,I gotta tell you straight,that was not a smart move from her side to tell you about all the stuff she did in bed before.I know how you feel,I've been in the same situation.We broke up in the end.I just couldn't take it.And it's not like she wouldn't do anything with me in bed,it's just that it bothered me too much.
But the main thing is,you're not me.So don't just follow my lead blindly.You're the one who has to make a choice.Even if it's a really tough choice.
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