A
female
age
30-35,
*indymie
writes:Dear aunts and uncles.. im having a dilemma about my relationship with my fiance And i need some wise advices and opinion from other perspective. Perhaps it will shed some light for what should i do.Well ive been with my fiance for over 5 years and hes an adorable and caring boyfriend despite for some mistakes hed done in the past ( lying about some random things ). But now I feel hed changed and he serious about our relationship. He proposed me and waiting for my approval to marry him this year.The problem is our lifestyle is so different that im unsure that i will be happy living that life. He comes from a 12 working hour a day family business while my parent has 8 working hour and has effective administration so that my parent dont have to work so hard. Also he is living in the same roof with his 6 workers and his parent. I just feel its too crowded and i wont have any privacy except in the bedroom. Sometimes i feel so scared and i think i wont be happy living like that. Thats just too crowded for me.Ive told him about having our own home after marry and he said he cant because hes the only son in his family and he cant leave his parent. I know hes a good son but why he doesnt think about my feeling. Im going to be his future wife and i should be his biggest concern right? Please correct me if im wrong about this.in the other hand. financial issue might be the cause why he still want to live with his parent. hes now working and his salary is not high enough i might say so maybe hes afraid he cant afford to feed me and our future child. hes not telling me about this. Its just my thought and i dont know why he wants to marry me if he cant afford to give me a living. Hes such a hard headed man and dependent on his Own. He said almost all the fee for renovating bedroom and prewedding cost is his concern not his parent. Only the reception that his parent Pay for. He said he doesnt like to dependent and get help from other people and prefer to gain it himself. I dont understand. Thats his family. if hes so hard headed and dependent on himself why he still want to live with his parent although his parent dont make a way for him and he gained everything by himself?Half year ago he proposed me and everyone in his family know this and supporting especially his parent. He told me about renovating his bedroom which i still dont give him answer. Thats because im still unsure about him and our future.i love him and i know i will be happy wih him being my husband and having family with him. But to be honest. I cant imagine my life living in his crowded house. Im afraid there would be problems in the future and im not happy in that environment. I wish we have our own home. But everytime i discuss about this he got mad and said that i just want a fun life and why i cant sacrifice for our love. He even ask me to think carefully if hes the one i love or a good living that i want.I dont know should i marry him and sacrifice my own happiness or perhaps thats the right thing to do. people said love need sacrifices. Is it the right thing to go? Im in dilemma. I know he would sacrifice his happiness for me as long as im happy. only this situation he cant make it. He said his mom wants to live with us. Fyi. My relationship with his parent is good and they love me for sure. can it be a plus point for me? What should i do? Should i give his parent a hint that i wish to live in our own house later or is it too rude?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Did your sisters in law marry outside your culture then ? Otherwise, why is it NOT a shame for THEIR husbands to live in their wives' houses ?....
Cultural or personal choice, the fact is that your fiance' is not going to accomodate your preferences. This is a typical case of " you can lead the horse to the water but you can't make it drink ". You have told him your fears, explained him your reasons, even offered him a good alternative at no cost for him ( living in a house donated by your parents ) ,.. and he 's not having any of it.
I think the key is in your sentence " he does not want to disappoint his parents ". Who, may be the richest, most generous people in the world, yet apparently they feel the male child must live with his parents and bring his spouse along. Again, I don't know if this is a cultural thing or just their personal preference, but it seems that anyway your bf is not going to challenge either - precisely because he does not want to disappoint them, and bringing up the issue would be ALREADY disappointment, let alone moving out.
He obviously prefers to disappoint YOU.
If you feel that his parents would be reasonable and would understand your wish for privacy and independence- why don't YOU bring up the subject with them ? Why don't YOU try and explain them your feelings about the issue ? ..
( My guess is that, deep down, you already know they would not be as accomodating as you hope, and that they have things already mapped out for you guys ).
You can try again talking to your bf and convincing him- but ,it's a while that this goes on and you have not made headways, so I am afraid you are really butting your head against a wall here.
Again at this point, you can't change his mind, you have to decide if you can change YOURS, i.e. if you can accept to live with his mother ,father and the six workers for who nows how long, maybe forever.
Only you can decide, if it was me I would not do it for anything in the world , in MY culture that would be just insane. Then again, my culture is not yours; so YOU have to decide how hard will it be for you to follow the rule, or, actually, to marry a man who follows the rule.
A
female
reader, cindymie +, writes (19 April 2015):
cindymie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm sure his parent can afford a new house becauce both his married sisters is living in their parent house which they bought after they married because their husband cant afford a house for them. Even their living is still accomodate by their parent. his parent is rich enough to travel the world and have a good living except their living environment. His parent also a generous people. They often donate money and things to orphanage. Im certain that his parent will understand this if we talk to them or at least they know about it. I doubt that my boyfriend has discuss it with them. i know he doesnt want to disappoint them.
in fact my mom told me that when i marry my dad probably would give me either a house or money. I told my boyfriend how if we live in the house that my parent give to me? He doesnt like it and said that should be investment for me in the future. Were not living in your house he said. He doesnt want to depend help from people and probably he wants to save his parent reputation to people that its a shame for a man to live in wifes house in my culture.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 April 2015):
 How did you know it's possible for his parents to buy you a new home? Your parents have a better business and can live comfortably, so doesn't it make sense that they buy you a new home?
You have no mention of what your parents say in your last few posts so my guess is that they are not thrilled about the marriage, thinking you can do better.
No one can no for sure that he is luring you into this, and communication is made hard when he gets angry or defensive. Although the ant tribe is indeed a reality for the lower income families. People don't dare to get into relationships when they can barely pay rent, but for others life does not stop there. Moving out of your family home may not be as simple as just growing up when a 500 sq home cost a million. He might be sharing crammed space with strangers so might as well share it with parents and people who work for them.
Love cannot make him richer. He told you what he's able to offer you instead. He totally understands it if you say no.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 April 2015):
You have been posting about this issue since a long while - the only improvement is that last time the workers were even more , and now they are only six. So far you haven't reconciled yourself to the idea of living this way- NOR you should, according to many respondents, and I feel that deep down you never will, so I do not quite see why you are still wasting your time.
He told you things are not going to change , believe him. Whether it's something cultural ,( bringing in a wife to live with her in laws is simply a normal way of living for some cultures ) or if he is just a mama's boy, I'd bet thar this is not going to change. That two years ago he told you different -... he lied. Two years ago the wedding date was still far ,so he could afford to tell you what you wanted to hear , in order to shut you up and buy himself some time. Maybe he hoped that in the meantime you would have come around, and stipped nagging him. . Maybe he was telling you the truth in installments, you know like when somebody dies in a car accident ? and , to tell his relatives, people say " There has been a bad accident, X is in very serious conditions " - rather than telling them straight away " X is dead ". It's a way to prepare them to the blow.
Anyway, for whatever reason, now you know how it's going to be , and it's a waste to time wondering why he is not asking his parents to buy him a house ( btw, in this I think he's right, no parent OWES you a house just because you are getting married ) He just won't do it.
There's another disquieting consideration here : who'd g takong care of these workers once you were living there ?
How does it work now, is there a maid to cook their meals, make their beds, wash their sheets and towels , etc. ? Or, are they doing it all by themselves - and grumbling about it ?... Are you sure that once you'll be a wife you won't be asked / expected to work for the workers ?....
I admit that I am being influenced from having just read a book that described exactly your set -up, but it was set in pre-WWII Europe. So nothing to do with your situation, apparently. Yet, in some traditional societies, ( and your bf seem to come from a traditional environment with a traditional mindset ) STILL nowadays an artisan or merchant will have apprentices or employees living at his home- and the lady of the house is supposed to help out cooking for EVERYBODY and managing the whole household, staff included.... Scary thought, isn't it ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2015): Have you written onto this website about this same problem before? I remember reading a very similar post maybe a year or so ago about this same problem.
Your boyfriend is basically carer for his Mum and Dad. Emotionally they are dependent on him and they are not setting him free to lead his own life. They have brought him up in such a way that he feels he cannot reach out to others for help. My parents were exactly the same. It's a perfect way of keeping a child (even when they are grown into an adult) in exactly the place you want them.
Your boyfriend will never see it this way. He is a Mummy's boy in a man's skin.
What kind of man says that the only future he can offer his bride is his renovated bedroom? A man who is not prepared to create a proper home and instead wants you to sacrifice your freedom and choices is NOT going to treat you fairly.
He is luring you into this situation in the same way that his parents have lured him in to it. It feels so natural to him that it won't feel (to him or to you) like he is tricking you. EXCEPT you sense that something is very wrong and you KNOW it is. BUT my guess is that you have a dependent type of personality and have your own insecurities that keep you tied to him, believing things will change.
You will become trapped in this home and keep persuading yourself that you are happy and have to make sacrifices as a wife. That's all that will happen. Once you are in his bedroom he will wear you down and make you feel like you deserve no better.
I doubt, however, that you have the inner strength to leave this person. Unless you are willing to be braver and stronger, then I suspect you will just go along with this because you don't feel you deserve better. He's a Mummy's boy who won't grow up. Mummy's boys ALWAYS look for a woman who has the same character as their mother (even when this is not obvious) BUT who they can dominate and feel in control of. He is controlling you already.
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A
female
reader, cindymie +, writes (18 April 2015):
cindymie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi janniepeg. he told me to give him 2 year for moving to other house after marry. But recently when i asked him about new house he told me we arent going to move because he must live in that hoUse.
I dont know why he changed and forget what hed promised. He takes this as a preassure and always get mad when i starting to talk about this.
i really dont understand why he wants to marry me if he couldnt afford living for us and its possible for his parent to give us a new house financially if they want to. Maybe my fiance doesnt really talk about this with his parent thinking that would hurt their feeling. Im starting to think that maybe hes not the one that initiate the idea to marry me but his parent pursue him to marry me? Or is he just feeling obligated to marry me despite my happiness is not in his consideration. Hes trying to make me accept this fact. Why he cant pursue his parent and understnd my condition.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 April 2015):
 It normal to get anxious and have the proverbeal "cold feet" right before marraige. Just be sure of exactly what it is you are anxious about. If your love is strong then there is nothing that will get in the way. relax, deep breaths. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 April 2015):
I thought you had wanted him to propose on your last birthday. Maybe this proposal is a gesture to show you he's still devoted to you, so you won't feel so insecure in the relationship. You broke up with him last time due to the same issue then you felt shaky and desperately want the old him back.
Did you ask him is he saving up for a new place and how long would that take?
In the UK property is very expensive. Maybe if he waits until he could afford a new house you would be thirty something. He wants to marry you because he loves you. He also understands why you would not want to settle down in a crowded house.
Why are the workers living there too? Is the rent in exchange for worker's pay?
I think you are two different people. I don't think you are that desperate for love that you have to sacrifice space and privacy. He knew there are trust issues in the relationship. At this point he is proposing so you could make a serious decision. Either be with him forever or you decide he's not the one for you.
You may even wonder if UK is really for you. It just doesn't feel like home.
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