A
male
age
51-59,
*amians_virtue
writes:I have been married for the past 9 years and, like many others I'm sure, the past few years have been rocky ones. I have always done everything in my power to make my wife happy. We have moved 3 times to different homes because she wanted bigger and better. This is where the trouble started. Because of the bigger home, we fell into deeper debt. We have 1 son who is 5 years old and since he was born my wife hasn't worked (we agreed to this from the beginning). Because of our money issues, we have had many arguments. Even worse then our money issues, for the past couple years she hasn't been interested in having sex as much as we did in the past. She claims it's her and that she doesn't understand why. We have sex maybe once a month at the most. I know that she is not cheating on me. She spends all of her days either at home, with her sister or with our son. I know this wasn't supposed to be long, but I had to tell the story. Here's where my problem/question comes in. Mainly due to the problems at home, I have become unfaithful and, though I didn't want this to happen, I am falling in love with someone else. Obviously this person will not continue being with me unless I leave my wife. I have been thinking about this for almost a month now and do not know what to do. I can't imagine leaving my family and mainly my son, but I desperately want to be with this other woman. Can I have some advice on what to do?
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male
reader, damians_virtue +, writes (30 April 2008):
damians_virtue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all your advice so far on this!!
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 For your son's sake it would seem better to work it out but dont stay just for him as an unhappy household is not necessarily any better for him than a single parent one. Kids money issues and moving house are the main reasons for arguments and you've got it all going on at once. As for the sex if there's no respect between you anymore she is not going to pretend in the bedroom that everything is ok. First of all stop seeing this other women for now and give yourself time to work out if you want to try with your wife. Sit her down alone and find out what she wants. If you realise you cant work things out decide if you really want this other woman or has she just been a distraction from every day life. WOuld it really work togther on a permanent basis?? We are all responsible for our own happiness in this life so if something is making us unhappy we need to sort it out ourselves. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Well you are in a tough spot to say the least. First off I think the key to your whole pproblem is the finance issue. The big question is do you still love your wife? If your lover wasn't in the picture would you still want to leave? I would suggest that you put your foot down and get your finances under control. Money always seems to be the number one factor when it come to marriage problems. If your wife isn't willing to downsize on finances then she pretty much answered your question for you didn't she? And lastly the cheating issue. You might think that you cheated because of sex but I'd bet you that the real reason is because she listens to your thoughts and makes you feel better emotionally and she seems to truly care. Good luck to you sir, just my opinions.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Try to step back from everything you are feeling and look at it objectively.
It's very easy to become infatuated (that may be too strong a word) with someone else when everything is not going smoothly and it's very easy to give yourself lots of very good reasons to justify what you are doing, but more often than not you are not really considering it sensibly or logically.
Compare what you are doing with other less important decisions you make in your life. For example, when you perhaps go into a car showroom and look at all the lovely new models on display (or, perhaps, the second-hand ones that look so much nicer than yours). There are a million reasons you can give yourself for getting rid of that old banger that needs repair, but realistically wouldn't you be so much better off making the effort to get the repairs done and staying with what you have that's been good over the years?
If your relationship with your wife is over, completely over and there's nothing at all that can ever bring you close again, then no doubt you should consider moving on. But if there's anything at all that can be patched up and let you continue with her, it has to be far better.
Another analogy: that old pair of trousers you have somewhere. There are holes; there are stains that will never come out. A new pair looks so much nicer - but it will be years before the new ones are as familiar and as comfortable as those old trousers. A bit of patching will keep them wearable and although the time may come when they really are beyond repair, they still fit you much better than anything new.
Best of luck in whatever you decide. Just don't rush to make decisions that you cannot reverse.
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A
female
reader, Minxy68 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Maybe your interest in the other woman is due to the fact that you and youre wife are arguing over money matters and the lack of a sexual relationship.I can understand that having someone on the outside giving attention and the loving that you are missing at home is attractive....but, before you make what could/could not be a mistake why not try debt management for youre financial troubles and relationship advice for you both. You say that you cant imagine leaving the family home, so what have you got to lose, if it doesnt work after proper advice then it was meant to be.....
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