A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:I have been married for a little over 6 years. We have had our share of problems but nothing major then about 2 years ago we just stopped having sex . My wife claimed that she just wasn't in the mood, this went on for about a year and a half. I was on her laptop one night and she had left her email up so I glanced at it and saw a email from a man that didn't recognize. The next day i asked who he was and she said a coworker, she is a teacher, when I pushed a little more she said he taught in her district and asked her to help him prepare a paper for his license , he doesn't teach in her school. He teaches in a school down the road, his school lets out 1 hour later than hers so she would have to stay at her school for a hour then drive to his and help him for about an hour. During that time we were not spending much time together as well because she said she had so much to do at her school. The email he sent her was details of a upcoming concert he was going to attend, when I confronted her she said that there wasn't anything going on I just can't help but feel something happened . Do you think I am worrying about nothing
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (7 January 2014):
It sounds like you don't trust her in what she is doing and tell you. It is clear your communication has broken down. Have you considered counselling? Relationships are hard. I feel for you.
I feel you are really trying to reach out to her and she is still at a distance. Maybe you need to start doing more for yourself.
A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (7 January 2014):
It really does sound like she's up to something.Have you tried to gather evidence like having her tailed,ie private detective.It sounds like she's out of love with you,it's always horrible when this happens with one partner.I can tell this is eating you inside out,you have every right to know where you stand.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 January 2014):
 I'll have to agree with Wise. I was pretty naive. You new update points that out quite clearly. You could say you are paranoid because of the past but the present is giving you enough clues that the return is over. I'm always hopeful for reconciliation after infidelity but the real truth is that it is more rare than common. There are two factors at play here. First the addictive nature of cheating. That makes the wayward partner tend to return to cheating either with the same person or (more often) with a new affair. The second is the very real trauma and psychological hurt that the cheated on partner gets. Sometimes it is just more than they can recover from. I had hope that you were willing. I had hope that she was sincere in abandoning her habit. The evidence says she hasn't successfully left her cheating ways.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): You don't trust your wife. I've read the advice everyone has given and it's pretty sound. However; some advice was pretty naive. I don't think your wife is sexually attracted to you anymore.
If you feel every-time she leaves the house alone or takes a private call, that it's some guy on the other end; why don't you end the marriage?
If you have no trust or sex, you don't have much of a marriage.
Why keep asking for advice, if you aren't going to make any kind of decision? It's your marriage.
Are you happy with it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverything went smooth for awhile but some of her old habits have started creeping back up and I am having trouble telling if I am being parinoid or if my concerns are real she started getting calls and leaving the room to talk a few days ago she went shopping alone, she likes to have some one with her like her sister but she went alone and was gone for about. 4 hours she came back with a few groceries and that was it. And the last couple times the topic of sex came up she just didn't feel good
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female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (24 December 2013):
I'm glad you had that conversation. She gave you an answer. You may not believe her but it may also be the truth. She is telling you that she wants you, she wants a physical relationship. It is now up to you. You have to make a decision. What happened in the past is the past. You have a choice to move forward with your wife. The key word is CHOICE. It comes down to you to dig into this relationship and give it all you got or to make a decision and believe that it is not worth it.
It is now up to you......
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 December 2013):
An emotional affair is still an affair, but it is much less damaging than a physical affair. There is a better chance of recovery. Having said that, if she thinks that spending a lot of time and emotion on another person and lying about it is "nothing" she is wrong.
You are making the right decision to take your time on this one.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI took some of your advice sat and talked with her. She says nothing happened and that she wants to make our marriage work and that she wants to have a physical relationship to. But I just font know if I believe her all the signs pointed to her having an affair and how can I be sure it's over if she won't even acknowledge anything was wrong. In her eyes i was over reacting to a bunch of things that were not related happening at once. I am not going to make any quick decisions but I am not buying her story either
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 December 2013):
If I had to bet, Im sorry to say Id bet on the side of an affair, and it wouldn't be a small amount.....
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (21 December 2013):
Did something happen for her that changed? Like a trauma of some sort?
I think you are a sweet man who doesn't want to see the possiblility of this being an affair. You need to sit with your wife and lay out the facts with her. Tell her you need to know if she is going to be a part of this marriage or not.
Give her time to speak. Try and control your emotions so she feels safe to tell you all.
Good Luck xx
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (21 December 2013):
All the signs you laid out are classic signs of her having an affair.I've seen these time and time again.It could be that they've called time on their affair,the lust dies down eventually or maybe they knew someone was on to them.Was the other guy married?It could be she has seen the error of her ways.I hope it works out for you.Keep us posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBrokenv Yes it had been two years , we were very active before we were married and for two or three years after. She would initiate More than half the time them after a couple years it slowed a little which I expected but then it just stopped all of a sudden.
And with the way she enjoyed sex before I just can't imagine she could go with out it that long. I mean I did thing to self gratify but would really want to have a relationship with her and no hugging and kissing wasn't there either and she also would go to her families house and bad mouth me to them and just pick at things I did around the house or what ever, so I knew something was wrong but then about a few weeks ago she went back to wanting sex again. It was like nothing was ever wrong and that's what really got me worried
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A
male
reader, Boost +, writes (20 December 2013):
This certainly does not sound all above board in the slightest. There are many things that I am questioning currently. Firstly if this guy doesn't work at the same place she does I find it strange how she would know him. Knowing that he has no licence and requires help is quite a personal detail, as is knowing what sort of concert she would go to. Now I'm not saying she has done this but that to me is the sort of thing you might to talk someone that you've met and subsequently gone out with and talked about work to. I can imagine that he started being busy at work about the same time you stopped having sex and I can also imagine that this guy wanted her help for about this time. Whether she's having an affair is debatable, however all does not seem innocent in the slightest. I suspected my ex was cheating on me, whether she was sleeping with someone else - I don't want to know but like you I started to see things that just didn't add up. She'd forget to text me when she couldn't make a time for something we had arranged, suddenly I couldn't get hold of her even though my iMessage had said she had read the message, the phone would ring a couple of times and then get cut short and go to answer phone as if she had got her phone out of her pocket and cancelled it. She told her mum she was going to x and then I'd turn up at her house and her mum thought I had gone with her. My suspicions were right in the end. You need to approach this in quite a delicate way, I wen down the angry annoyed shouting route and got nowhere. However the presenting the evidence of what I knew and being calm route gave me everything I needed to know
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (20 December 2013):
 I agree with fatherly advice his comment is totally exactly correct true and right. I couldn't have wrote it better myself. If its over its over. She just can.move on easier with other men and friends than you. Its been a not so good relationship from 2 years ago if you were properly communicating instead of proving her out to be a cheater and email trolling she most likely dont have no issues with boldly speaking her plans or about what happen. If you don't trust her don't date her. If she hachoo wrong you will feeling some type of way about that looking for tissue and klinnex clues. If you want to get back at her for lack of sex and love research ideas online some people are only compatible in certain situations like great as friend but not married but also good and business but agree to disagree. Its matter of you being in a relationship but not claiming it you most likely was doing other things you enjoyed of interest she started doing things of interest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2013): You know all the details about the man, and the connection he has to your wife. I think you are intelligent enough to realize that no married woman goes that much out of their way to help a stranger. There's more to it.
You have a decision to make. I think in a lot of cases suggesting marriage counseling is just delaying the inevitable. I'm not going to here.
It does not rekindle love. It is just a means of mediation. Counseling is a good way to get to the cause of dissension and conflict. It may even help to bring out the reasons for cheating. It doesn't make people love each other. In this case, you have no warmth and intimacy with your wife. She is allegedly involved with helping some man with his license, which she neglected to tell you about.
The evidence clearly says there is an involvement between them that defies a reasonable and rational explanation.
Considering it's being held from your knowledge. If it were innocent, it would be above board and she would have told you about it.
Incidentally; you've been searching for evidence she was cheating the last two years. Checking her laptop was no accident. It was easier than directly addressing the reason for her lack of interest in being intimate; and other marital issues you haven't mentioned.
You should now turn your concerns to what you must do about it. You have had your other problems, now this. You didn't really resolve your issues when she stopped wanting sex with you two years ago. That was a warning your marriage was in trouble. That's a long time to sit out such an important issue between you. You didn't want to face the ugly truth.
Evidently, you don't like dealing with complicated emotional matters. They require you express your feelings and listen to hers.
You should have taken notice of the problem and addressed it. Instead, you buried it. That is an indication you have no connection emotionally; and you do not have open communication between you.
You'd rather ignore the problem; than face it. That's how your marriage was lost. You tolerate each other, and go through the motions of marriage. It died two years ago.
What is the point of confronting her about whether anything happened with him?
The problem you had was prior to your knowledge that he even existed.
There is nothing "happening" between you and your wife.
You do not have feelings for each other, and sex is not the only disconnection you have. She doesn't share her extracurricular activities with other men. Someone she inaccurately identified as a "coworker." He works in another school. How did they happen upon each other?
Why didn't she mention him? Why is it so important to her?
She's a teacher, being precise with details shouldn't be a problem.
Even if everything going on is exactly as she says. He is still not a coworker. The fact remains, your marriage is in trouble. She's not in the mood. Why? This doesn't warrant an explanation and investigation after two years? You buried you head in the sand; because you didn't care to know her reasons. So what did you do to compensate for the lack of sex? Yet another issue.
Neither of you are aware of each other anymore. You are just two people living in the same house. Living separate lives. If you were connected, you wouldn't be writing a post to determine what you should feel or do. You've been married for six years.
Ask your wife if she wishes to remain married.If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't. The last two without sex.
You may as well be honest. Tell her that you don't believe her story about her involvement with the other man, and explain exactly why.
Reach deep into yourself introspectively; and determine if you even care to remain with this woman. There is no passion for you. So why stick around?
If "love" was the reason; you would have found a way to bring back passion, and you would have found a way to reconnect with your wife. At least two years ago!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2013): I'm really sorry to hear you have some doubts about your wife and about how your sexual needs haven't been met for 2 years. That's a long time to be busy at work and not to be in the mood of having some intimacy with your partner!! How is your relationship with her in general? does she spend quality time with you? do you cuddle, hug and kiss? I wouldn't necessarily jump into conclusion just by coming across 1 single email and think right away that your wife is having an affair !! You need to sit her down and talk to her, communication is the best way in any relationship.
Have a date night, let her know you both need to work on your marriage and suggest to go to marriage counselling.
Good luck and the best wishes for you, all will be well.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 December 2013):
You ask: "Do you think I am worrying about nothing?"
When did you start this investigation? When did you find the e-mail? Long enough ago that you have had time to find out who this person is and where he works and the schedule at that school, but it could still be in the last six months. Also by strange coincidence 6 months ago is about the time that school is out for summer vacation in the United States. This leaves so much missing information that I am at a loss as to how to advise you.
You are stringing together a period of low sex drive, an e-mail from a man, and a falsehood about who exactly the man is. You want to know if this is evidence of infidelity to some degree. Off the cuff it smells like an emotional affair to me.
I'm more worried about how you are handling this, than by the truth about what really happened between him and her. Six months after a resumption of regular sexual activity, you are trying to rock the boat and figure out what happened to cause the interruption. I'm worried that your obsession with the other man is going to cause a dissolution of the relationship that seems to be repairing it's self. Your pride may be leading you to unhappiness.
Let's just look at this in the best possible light for a minute. You have spent enough anguish looking at it in the worst. Then in the end you will have to decide how far you want to pursue your investigation.
Six years ago you and your wife got married. You were somewhere between 45 and 53. Making the wild assumption that she was around the same age. Neither one of you was in a first relationship and both of you had pasts and baggage. Some how you pulled it together and for 4 years everything was smooth. Then around 2 years ago in the winter months sex just dropped to nothing. What could have been the cause? Dark days lead to depression. Age leads to Peri-menopause, with the accompanying imbalance of hormones. Boredom at the end of the honeymoon. Or the dark specter of an extramarital affair. Whatever the cause the lack of sexual activity added stress to the marriage. That stress made it harder for her to be in the mood and widened the rift between you. Even if there was no affair in the beginning she would have felt more alone and isolated. This could have led her to seek friendship amongst colleges. A friendship developed, emotional attachments grew and she found she was more attached to her friend than was appropriate. Coming to her senses she realized that what she was missing was available at home. So she returned and began to rebuild her relationship with you.
O K so I have made a very long and complicated story that has no more chance of being true than the dark tale you have been building in your mind. What I am suggesting is that until she is willing to share more with you, would you not be better off with the happier story in your mind?
All you know for sure is that she has talked with another man, and that she is ashamed enough of it that she is hiding some of the facts from you. Instead of worrying about what happened in the past you would be better served by worrying about what will happen in the future, and what you can do to insure that it is good. Badgering her with questions and prying into her e-mail will not lead to a happy future.
I'm truly sorry for the anguish you have suffered over the past 2 years. I hope things continue to look up in your relationship.
FA
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (20 December 2013):
You haven't had sex with your wife in 2 years? That tells me there alone something is going on. Where is she getting her "fix"? Where you active before this?
It is hard to tell you that she is sleeping with this guy as I would need more of a background. You need to have a open conversation. My sister in law hadn't had sex with my brother in law for almost 8 years.....she has engaged in sexual activity just not with him.
Good Luck.
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