A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im married for 8yrs.me n hubby has 3 kids.until lst yr my husband decided he had enough of his job and quit.we have a sideline business that he then decided to do full time from home.the business is not doin that well n i decided to find a job.he provides for our houses bond.i have to provide for school fees,transport money,clothing and food.at the end of last yr he talked me into making a loan at the bank for the business that we were supposed to pay back half n half each month he never gives his half.he also borrow the kids school fees from me n never gives it back.when i ask him about it he tells me that he also worked n he never complained about it n then he gets terribly upset n doesnt speak to me 4 days on end.this yr he told me to buy a plasma tv n satalite dish on my name that he would pay.it turns out i have to pay that to.i feel like im drowning.he has a child that he supports.n the child happened while we were married.the woman he has the child with took him to court n now he diligently supports the child.i dnt knw how to handle this.we cant talk about it only cause fights that i cant handle.pls help what should i do?
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male
reader, Guy619  +, writes (23 September 2009):
Your husband has a child with another woman and is obliged to contribute this child's upbringing - this is as it should be. The woman took him to court and he is paying. You mention nothing in your question about your relationship with your husband around the time of the affair. There is clearly something wrong. Your 3 children havea right to put first in your relationship. You husband has decided not to work and to concentrate on the business but has found that it is easier to do little and to rely on you for support. In effect you are paying for his infidelity. You are paying for his child support. Can you see it like this? If you can then you will see that the idea of him asking you to agree take loans on the business and then not paying his share and asking you to take on a new TV etc - on your name - which you have to pay for is just abusing you. He is punishing you for his own infidelity. Speak to him. If it degenerates in to him not speaking to you for days so be it. His reluctance to continue a dialogue on the subject should ring alarm bells in your head. Yes you may be upset that he blocks you out - and yes you may love him, the father of your children, but does he still love you? If he insists on not speaking you know that he is in the wrong. Your children, not you, and certainly not the other woman or the child he had with her, are paying. You children are suffering his infidelity. Can you stand byand let that happen? They have done nothing. The breakdown in your relationship is not their fault. Put them first and speak to him - through a soliciter if you have to. Get advice whereever you can. And stop supporting him. Take the TV back. Cancel the direct debit. Get him to sign to pay back his half of the business loan or work with you full time in the business to make it a success. You are not responsible for his needs. A marriage is a partnership. He is clearly not playing his part. It doesn't matter who earns the money if both parties put in as much either in the home or at work.
I'm sorry if this sounds strong. I have experienced a similar relationship.
Take a piece of paper and write down all the things that are important to you and what you want to do. Then write down what he is doing to to help. I think he sounds selfish and a coward. Youare paying for his mistakes. He is pretty low too.
A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (23 September 2009):
 What Caringuy said is right - NO MORE MONEY!!!
He is seriously bleeding you dry, you dont need this around your neck if/when he leaves you. You need to be secure knowing you have independance and this guy is running you out of your own home...
Sit down and realise fact - he is overspending beyond his means and you need to reign check... stop now before it's too late!!!
Steve
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2009):
No more loans at all. don't give him another penny! Also, though you may not want to hear this, speak to a solicitor/lawyer about where you stand about all this. The last thing you want his for him to drag you into debt and leave you and your children in a lot of trouble. I think you need to sit him down and spaek seriously about where this business is going, because it sounds like it's going to fail. You need to know where you stand with the law if this goes wrong. x
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