A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is interested in buying a second hand suit (not really a suit, but just for the story's sake we'll say it's a suit). I went to look at it with him. It seems nice. I have a seamstress whom I trust very much. I told my boyfriend that I would call my seamstress if he would like and ask the woman to take a look at the suit. Boyfriend agrees to this. I call the seamstress and tell her that I'd like to pay her to give the suit a "once over". During the course of the conversation with the trusted seamstress, she tells me that while she would be glad to check the suit over, she thinks this particular type and brand of suit is notorious for potential problems which she then proceeds to list. I am very grateful for her knowledge and advice. So I call the boyfriend to tell him the bad news. The boyfriend loses his marbles. Seriously. He is so mad. He spent forever telling me that he didn't ask for me to get the seamstresses advice, just for her to look at the suit. Now he feels as though the suit is "tarnished" and he can't buy it. He said he would have preferred to just "roll the dice" and buy the suit anyway, but now he can't because the seamstress (and I for bringing it to his attention) has ruined the idea of the suit for him. He has spent quite a while on the phone making me feel guilty for asking the seamstress to elaborate and for then passing the information along to him. I think this is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, who wouldn't WANT to know before making a big investment this kind of knowledge? I mean, if after knowing this a person still would like to buy the suit, at least you went in knowing the potential problems, right? These kinds of things keep happening in our relationship. Too many stories and too many details to go into, but these kinds of things that seem ridiculous to me. And somehow it seems that he passes the blame on to me. Is it just me, or is this weird behavior? It's happened enough times that I am becoming quite frustrated and angry. I told myself today that I am done trying to help him. My good intentions and best efforts are often met with what seems to be kind of crazy and unnecessary anger and blame. I am seriously considering breaking up with him. Yet, I wonder if previous relationships have made me the kind of person that gives up on relationships too easily and/or unable to discern crazy behavior from just ordinary behavior. But I'm really upset and angry this time. I find myself flipping him off while we talk on the phone and making faces and rolling my eyes and putting the phone far from my head (I can still hear him loud and clear ranting about his nonsense) and saying things that he can't hear like "why don't you just shut up now you jack***"? He's massively stressed out from his jobs and his disorganized lifestyle. I've brought up ending our relationship before and he goes berserk. He even said last time that if we broke up he would bring this ridiculous lamp that I rewired for him back to my house and leave it on my porch! Who knows what other crazy antics he would pull. Probably rip out the tomato plants out of his garden because I helped plant them! I can't handle the drama of it all. I mean...there's drama if we stay together and there's drama if we don't. I thought women were supposed to be all filled with drama. It seems like I'm a magnet for drama KINGS! Am I overly sensitive? Is this normal behavior for a man...or for anyone?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 September 2012):
Sounds like you bf is on the verge of a burn-out. My dad was like this during his very stressful and competitive job. His job was his life and he spent a good amount of time bitching about all aspects of it, like traffic, irritating colleagues, deals that went wrong. He got as far as comparing every single thing in life to his job. Someone would tell him a story about windsurfing and he'd talk about how it reminded him of the office. He didn't tolerate any criticism and would threaten the most ridiculous things. The whole ripping-tomato plants-out-of-the-garden sounds like something my dad would have done for example.
Now he's quit he's much calmer, though he still has a hard time wrapping his mind around the idea that he isn't always right. So basically, being an insufferable drama queen is part of your bf's personality, just amplified because of the job stress.
My mom and I frequently tried to get through to my dad that he was raging towards a wall, but he didn't listen. He only stopped when he got a heart attack. Luckily a light one, so he recovered well. My dad needed something drastic to happen in order to make a change and if your bf is like him, you have to ask if you're up for at least a decade more of this nonsense.
If you want to give him one last chance, write him a letter. That's what I did when I was completely fed up with my dad's antics. He can't interrupt letters, his yelling won't blow the words away. And maybe when he's done reading he actually gives it time to sink in. It's a lot more effective than talking, I've found.
So pour out your heart in your letter and let him know how unhealthy and ridiculous his behavior is. Not by telling him it is, but by listing the things he did and letting the evidence speak for itself. Simply tell him how it is instead of using an accusatory tone and you have a much bigger chance of getting through to him. Something tells me you're not entirely ready to let him go yet, so try it. Put it on top of the stack of his must-read mail so it won't be overlooked and make sure you're not there when he finds it. Arrange to be with a friend or something.
If it doesn't work, if he goes in a bout that makes the Hulk look like a fluffy puppy, then it's time to give up on this relationship. Also consider the possibility that a break through could be temporary. My dad would sometimes react in a way that made me think we were finally getting somewhere, only to go back to his old ways the next day. Maybe you leaving is the drastic event that will propel him to take better care of himself. Maybe not. But it's not worth waiting around for it to happen on the sidelines. There are plenty of men out there who'll treat you better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): *original poster here!Again, more very helpful and much appreciated insight. I want to add, however, that my help was NOT unsolicited. He ASKED me for my opinion and to come along to look at the item. I don't know enough about this particular item to say anything other than how it LOOKS. That's where I offered the assistance of someone I know that is QUITE knowledgeable. He accepted. That's where the trouble began. My boyfriend asks me all the time for my input. It is very trying because he flounders and vascillates and it appears that my opinion just confuses him further. To make matters worse, I believe that he asks EVERYONE he works with and his whole entire family as well. As you can imagine, there are many different opinions and view points floating around. Then he gets confused and angry and hostile with me. I doubt if he's yelling at his collegues and his Mother this way. I feel like I should just say "yes" to everything just to avoid getting blamed for whatever. But it's not my personality to sit around going 'yes dear you are always right. Whatever you want is always perfect!". That is ridiculous! If you ask me which pillow I like and why, I should be able to tell you without saying "I like the pillow you like for the same reasons you like it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): He obviously does not want or take kindly to anyone as he would see it interfering in what he is doing. He doesn't want advice from anyone even if it is good or useful advice. It sounds like at some stage in his life he has been controlled and he is clearly rebelling against anything that he views to be in a similar vein. I can see where he is coming from and that this was something that was of interest to him personally and you adding your bit, even though it was to help him, greatly annoyed him. I am similar , I do not want anybody"s input on anything I want to do and am not interested in their opinion on it. If I want to waste my money on something that turns out to be crappy, it is my choice and I want to be allowed to make that choice and don't want anyone suggesting alternatives, getting another's viewpoint or anything similar. However I can fully see your view and that you were trying to help him and stop him from making a mistake but I would leave him be to make his own mistakes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2012):
 Honestly, if this is HIS pattern why do you keep engaging in it? If he likes a "suit" and isn't sure he want to buy it, leave it up to him to decide, I would stop offering advice if THAT is how he responds. He obviously can't handle advice. I think he sees it ALL as critique.
And secondly you seem to resent him and his behavior so much that I wonder WHY you are still with him. Who cares if he gets "mad" that you want to end it? If rip out tomato plants?
I'd say throw this one back in the pond.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): ***I am the original poster of this question.Thanks, everyone, for your time, thoughts and advice. To Plumb, yes...It feels as though my love for him has been worn down by the drama. It's hard to sit on the edge of my bed at night listening to him rant for 5 or 10 minutes (it's a long time when you can't get a word in edgewise and there is hostility and subtle and not so subtle blaming). I literally am beginning to have a negative physical reaction to it. I start to sweat, shake a little , and my eyes well up with tears. This happens a lot. Too much. To eyeswideopen, you may be right about me being too helpful. I really do jump up and offer to help in any way that I can. I love him and want to make his life easier if I can. But I do often wonder if I should just back off and let him figure things out for himself. I have gotten a lot better about it, but still could use some cutting back. I think what has added to this problem, though, is that when I don't "help", I don't see him as much. And what I mean by as much is now, only on the weekends. We've been dating for almost 2 years. I thought for a time that I would marry this guy. I thought that after a while we would see each other more, not less. But he's busy and also unorganized, which makes him buisiER :( Last week he suggested we meet for coffee in the free hour that he had. Most of the time he complained about having a hard time finding a place to meet for coffee, then about how the traffic would not let him easily maneuver into the parking lot, then how he had to park next door because the two parking lots did not connect. After our coffee meeting, he felt so good that we spent time together, although what we did was recount our days to each other. Literally, "I worked until 2 then went to the dry cleaners to pick up my suit. After that I called the bank about that check from last week. And here I am. What did YOU do?" Is it just me or is that BORING?!?!?!? I want to have a conversation with a man. Not give each other play by play run-downs about the boring stuff we each did all day. I'm so sad. I'm looking for answers, but I'm afraid I already know what I need to do. It's dreadfully sad. I want a man in my life. I love him. I'm getting older. I want someone to share my life with. But he makes me sad and anxious and I feel myself starving for attention more and more each day. I haven't even heard from him yet today and it's after 12 noon. All I'm looking for is a "good morning" text. I don't think that is too needy. So I just wait and wait and feel lousier by the day. Why is this so difficult?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 September 2012):
 Maybe he feels you are too controlling, too helpful. Let him plant his own vegetables, let him buy his own clothes, only help when you are asked to help and see how things go.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 September 2012):
 This is not normal. he has no coping mechanisms. my fiance is much like that, but I can cope with it and we work daily alone and with a therapist to work on his coping techniques.
to be honest, a second hand suit... should not be that big of an investment (I can see a new tailored suit) and he should not react like his life is coming to an end.
if he is just a boyfriend
if you do not live together
if you are not that seriously invested in the relationship, cut and run now.
and don't worry about the return of the lamp or the tomato plants... minor collateral damage nothing more.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (26 September 2012):
 At the end of the day, his behaviour is odd so if you don't like it you should break up with him. End of.
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A
female
reader, Plumb +, writes (26 September 2012):
 He seems too be a very big drama king , I'd say if you don't see the relationship going anywhere then do what you have to do. To what your saying it seems that your love for him as been worn down by the drama and his anger/blaming you for things you try to make better. I can't say it's normal but I can't say it's strange.Males can brings as much drama as a women can.
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