A
female
age
41-50,
*tuckinarut2013
writes:I am upset abt the fact that my husband (then boyfriend) got fully nude lap dances at gentlemans clubs/strip bars at least 6-8 times before we were married. Although we were living in different places at the time n it was an on off thing, but we were still committed in a way! He hasn't done it after we were married and it's been abt 6.5 yrs now. I am not able to clear the picture of a sexy hot nude stripper dancing on him and pressing her naked boobs on his face and grinding his crotch !!. He has confessed to touching them waist above n he was fully clothed but no other extras. He says it was a harmless fun thing with the bachelor guys but I can't seem to let go of it although it happened yrs ago cos I only recently found out that he went more than a few times . Please help...we r having arguments on this everyday! How can I forgive n forget..! I don't mind jus going to those places n looking but a private lap dance is a very up close personal experience in my opinion!! At this point I jus want to be able to move on since its the past, it's ridiculous how I am fretting abt it today after years together, it's like always at the back of my mind n I feel stuck!!
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 Hope everything works out for you.
A
female
reader, Stuckinarut2013 +, writes (9 January 2013):
Stuckinarut2013 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThx for all your comments, appreciate it!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (3 January 2013):
"People may argue that it's a lapdance, its meaningless and abit of fun, just because he paid for it doesn't take away the fact that he rubbed up another womans breasts and let her grind his crotch, it wouldn't be acceptable to do this to a woman you just met in a bar so why should it be in any circumstance while in a relationship."
I don't frequent places like this. I have been once for a friends 21st and I thought it was seedy and horrible. I had a few drinks... No dances though. It is meaningless and harmless fun.
I don't understand what you mean when you say "it wouldn't be acceptable to do this to a woman you just met in a bar so why should it be in any circumstance while in a relationship."
I think if you were to walk into a bar and rub up against a woman you just met you'd likely get arrested, beaten up at the very least.
It is harmless fun like women who go see male strip shows. In fact, some of those are worse in my opinion. He doesn't make a habit of it, it's in the past before you were married. Yet, he married you. And you've been together 6 years. Surely, that means more to you than a few lap dances before you were married?
Believe me, I've been to a strip club and I don't know what the fuss is about. Experiences I've had being with women I like/love far outweigh any of that. That's just boys being boys. To be honest I don't know why he bothered telling you. It makes not difference to your relationship and its not like he's doing it now or often.
He's with you. He married you. I never understand what the fuss is about - it was also 6 years ago no? You'll either get over it and write it off as insignificant garbage from the past or you can't. If you can't it's over... Just a matter of time.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Hi
Here is the article I thought might help on retroactive jealousy. The article itself is very good. And so too is a reply to the article by Yos
Here is the question. And the response from Yos is just one of the many really good responses.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
Thank you for the followup.
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A
female
reader, Stuckinarut2013 +, writes (3 January 2013):
Stuckinarut2013 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionModnote: out of respect for this OP it must be pointed out that the two posters ARE entirely different posters. End of story.Wow that is a very similar situation , I can understand why u guys have me confused over that other question.That wasn't me though although its a very similar scenario and u can go thru those responses as well. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I wouldn't class this as 'Harmless fun', watching girls at a strip club is one thing, it's fantasy, having a woman stick her bare boobs in his face and touching them up is another, and in my opinion is borderline cheating.People may argue that it's a lapdance, its meaningless and abit of fun, just because he paid for it doesn't take away the fact that he rubbed up another womans breasts and let her grind his crotch, it wouldn't be acceptable to do this to a woman you just met in a bar so why should it be in any circumstance while in a relationship.I'm sure if your husband discovered that you'd had a male stripper helicopter his horse sized pecker infront of your face and gave him a little grope 6-8 times while you were involved he'd have uncomfortable images and feelings for a while aswell.It's thinking of YOUR partner, somewhat sexually involved someone other than you thats making you feel this way.I'm unsure of if he told you after you got married or you knew before and haven't been able to get past it for 6 and a half years?Regardless, if you want to continue your marriage then it is a case of just trying to forget, continuous arguements won't have a positive effect on it, unfortunately he can't go back and change the last.Just make sure you state where you stand on such clubs to ensure it never happens again and perhaps the fact that when its made clear, it might give you peace of mind.Other than that i don't really know what else to suggest apart from counselling.
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A
female
reader, Stuckinarut2013 +, writes (2 January 2013):
Stuckinarut2013 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for replying.The issue I am facing is that I am not able to move on and stuck with what happened earlier. And among other things, I feel a bit betrayed by my hubby since inspite of being in an open relationship he kept things from me! N well I would equate those acts of sexual gratification as cheating - it's a different thing jus watching n having physical contact! I feel inadequate somehow and this horrific image in my head of him getting do turned on by a hot naked stripper that I am just not able to shake off! It jus keeps coming back to me all the time :((
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A
female
reader, Stuckinarut2013 +, writes (2 January 2013):
Stuckinarut2013 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thank you What you have written makes sense...my only issue seems to be the fact that inspite of having an open relationship he did not reveal all this to me n only told me half the story n now I feel very let down , I keep thinkin how cud he hav done such a thing, it's almost cheating! It's jus disappointed me but I m trying to go past it n forget it.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Ive recd several nude lapdances n even extras ill say but I dont think about these experienes every day bc they were just for fun n without meaning. My focus if its ever the case again would be having meaningful experiences with one woman. More substance. If ur guy is mature I assure u the experiences sexual n others hes had with u by far outweigh his strip club encounters.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Here's one incentive for you to "forgive and forget":
IF you DON'T ("forgive and forget") then your lingering disdain - and the drama and angst that it triggers for you (and him) - will probably scuttle your marriage.
Which is your preference?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 January 2013):
Sadly, for your marriage, (and you) if you keep on pushing this line and it remains unresolved then it could become a deal breaker for you and your husband.
yet I am sure you love your man.
So to get a real handle on the underlying issues first get some counselling one on one just for you.
If that helps you clarify the issues more clearly then consider some couples counselling to resolve this.
Instead of allowing it to fester and wreck your marriage
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