A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I am sure this is a common question on here but I will ask anyway because I am really depressed about the situation. Here goes…I’m 37 and wife is 38. We have been married for 12 years and have three awesome kids, 10, 6 and 4. My wife and I both work full time and have no financial problems, drinking problems, etc. We also have great extended family support around us and we all get along. My wife and I are best friends, always have been, which I think is important. Our sex life has never been what I call great, as a matter of fact I would say we have sex about 10-15 times a year on average during our marriage. For the first 9 or so years of our marriage, which was really my first serious relationship (we dated for 2 years), I was pretty insensitive, not mean, not abusive, nothing like that, but I know there were times when compliments were missed, I wasn’t paying attention to details that a wife needs, etc. I was pre-occupied with work, I went back to college for a master degree (which paid off – I have a great job and am a good provider). Somewhere along the line, we started letting our kids sleep in our bed and 95% of the time, one of them is in bed with my wife now and I end up in another bedroom. At any rate, about 2 years ago I sort of woke up and started treating my wife like a “wife”, I just realized what I was doing wrong and she also acknowledges that I have changed in that regard. I am also a great dad and do things around the house, more than a fair share actually.I have a higher sex drive than her (I masturbate to make up for the lack of sex but I am very frustrated with it when I have a wife), and lately it has gotten to the point where I am committed to getting our nights back and being with my wife more. To my disappointment, we had a talk about this last night and she cried and said that we are best friends, she loves me, but are more like and roommates and that she has a hard time thinking of me as anything else and she hates herself for feeling like this because we are both being shortchanged. She has been working on these feelings for a long time and has actually used the kids in the bed as an excuse to not be in intimate situations with me. I am heartbroken. I do not think she is cheating. So how can I fix this? If it continues, do we go on with our family life as is and very rare sex? I can’t imagine doing things without her and my kids would be devastated, but I am not sure about a life without true intimacy. I know that isn’t all there is to life but I am missing it badly. What do I do??
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best friend, depressed, heartbroken, roommate, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 January 2013):
 While I am a big proponent of family bed, using a child to keep your spouse out of the bed is not the rationale behind it and is a lousy thing to do.
first thing is to figure out if she is serious about making this work and fixing the problem.
several things need to happen
1. wean the kid(s) out of the family bed... even if it means mommy or daddy laying down with them in their own bed till they fall asleep.... or letting them fall asleep in your bed and moving them to their own bed in their own room(s)
2. mommy and daddy get out for mommy and daddy time at least twice a month without kids. even if it's just dinner... but dinner and a movie (a real date) would be nice... if there are grandparents around maybe the kids can spend the night with them....
3. mommy is aware of the problem... daddy is aware of his issues... it could NOT hurt to have a bit of marriage counseling to have a third pair of eyes look at the situation and suggest things to help with communication and reconnecting
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 What about working out more, changing your clothes, taking up a new hobby - something to remind your wife you are a fanciable man. She obviously loves you so its about working on the physical side of things. Charm her the way you did when you met.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 January 2013):
That must have been upsetting to here for you. It’s important to make sure your wife knows just how upset you are by this, don’t fall in to the trap of playing down the impact this has on you for fear of upsetting her. Ultimately it may be that you’re not sexually compatible anymore and in that case if there’s no room to compromise, only you can judge whether you can accept the situation and carry on getting by with masturbation or whether you need to walk away from the relationship and keep things civil with this lady for the sake of your children. You can be good parents whilst separated. How often does she want sex, and how often do you? See if you can find a middle ground. Ask her if there is anything new you might be able to try sexually to spice things up a bit. Also if you can you need to make quality time for yourselves, find a babysitter and have dinners, watch a movie or do something romantic that you’d both enjoy. Maybe the lack of sex and the lack of attraction could both improve with a bit more romance. Lots of couples drift and fall in to routines, especially with children. It can be necessary sometimes to consciously build reminders of your feelings for each other in to your lives, because it’s so easy to take each other for granted. It’s nobody’s fault, it just happens. What you’ve been describing can be symptoms of that underlying issue.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 January 2013):
 You write this: "To my disappointment, we had a talk about this last night and she cried and said that we are best friends, she loves me, but are more like and roommates and that she has a hard time thinking of me as anything else and she hates herself for feeling like this because we are both being shortchanged. She has been working on these feelings for a long time and has actually used the kids in the bed as an excuse to not be in intimate situations with me. I am heartbroken. I do not think she is cheating. " ... and then ask, "so how can I fix this?"
The short answer is: "you can't"..... ONLY YOUR WIFE can
"fix this".....
SHE has chosen to separate from you, sexually/sensually/intimately ... and can choose to leave things as they are, or adjust her approach to you and your's and her's intimate/sensual life.
IF she remains content with things as they are.. they YOU have to take control and either separate from her... OR reconcile to yourself that THIS is how the remainder of your married life will be..... YOUR CHOICE....
Many men (I'm one of them) will decide that this sensual/sexual desert is NOT OK for them... and will go their separate way. SOME - I believe they may have a "martyr" syndrome - will continue in this S/S barren life (style)... THAT is YOUR CHOICE.....
Good luck.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): You guys will stay together. From what I've read you both love each other. Go out have a grown ups night out! Go watch a movie or better yet just cuddle. You wife said that cause after kids love just gets old, but mix it up a little and make it new again. If she and you are willing to follow this and try, you guys will make it.
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