A
male
age
30-35,
*otF Fan
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for a year now and we have both realised we want to spend our lives together. I am not religious but i am one of the ever decreasing people that believe you should give your virginity to the one you want to spend your life with.I have had3 girlfriends before but a part of me realised i didnt love them and we didnt have sexshe told that was the case with her only ex.After losing my virginity to her however she admitted tht she had sex with himThis has destroyed me emotionally and when i think about it (which ive tried to stop but i just...cant) I end up sobbing for about an hour imagining the person i love with someone else....its tortureShe said she didnt tell me cos she was ashamed of him and thought she loved him but didnt find love till me she wants me to blame her so i can release this pain as anger but i know thats not the right thing to do and I never have blamed her for her past.I just want help with these....attacks cos the are horrible and the amount of pain they cause me is unbearable. Ive considered ending this relationship but i know i would be giving up on a once in a lifetime relationship cos i adore her. Please can someone help me?
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reader, shawncaff  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 In a world where even by an average person's mid-20s he or she has already had multiple partners, it may be hard for some to understand your pain. It is almost a given in today's world that the person you are dating has had sexual encounters with a number of partners before you.
But I do think I know what you are going through. Indeed, the thought of someone you love being intimate with another person is emotionally torturous. But let's take a moment to clarify the source of your pain by asking you a few questions.
First, ask yourself this: if she had been married to the other man and then got divorce or widowed (instead of it being a boyfriend), would it still be painful to you now?
If yes, it would still be painful, then I think you might have to reevaluate your conception of love. Many men and women who are mature will marry a divorcee or widow. They understand somehow that the love you share now with your spouse is full and complete even though the person loved another before. Whatever experiences the other person had in love are part of them, and they are not to be ripped out but are to be respected as part of the person whom you love now, and who loves you. It does not mean that the person does not love you less than their partner of the past.
If the answer is no, then it would not bother you as much if she was a divorcee or widow, then maybe there are other issues at play. Perhaps it was because she engaged in pre-marital sex, which is something you stated you have a strong objection to. Then, it is not the fact that she was intimate with another that tortures you, but rather that she is less discriminating with sex than you are and treats sex with less sanctity.
I am only bringing this up because I think that to begin to grapple with this, you need to tease out the issues. I remember in college I had a friend who was also tortured by the fact that his first serious girlfriend had had sex with her previous boyfriend. He was also a virgin at the time, and eventually he could not deal with it, and so he had sex with her in order to "equal the playing field." He broke up with her later and regretted losing his virginity in this way, i.e., that he wanted to "have her" the same way her previous boyfriend did.
He is happily married with three kids, and he looks back on that experience with more maturity. (He is now 39.) Assuming a potential partner is honest and loyal and does not sleep around quickly with many people, he would accept the past as part of the person whom he loves. I think this is a deeper and more mature love than one that tries to lay 100% claim to the partner's sexual history as mine and mine alone. Of course I understand this feeling since we are all human, but I think you would find yourself growing closer to her if you are somehow able to accept her past actions as part of her.
Anyway, I hope this sis clear. Feel free to PM me if you like. Best wishes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I'm sorry to be hard on your GF that you care so much about, but she absolutely DOES deserve to be blamed here. You were tricked about one of the most important things to you in your whole romantic life and it left you sobbing and traumatized.
Maybe you don't want to blame her because you care about her and you don't think she deserves to go through shit over it. But guess what? You don't deserve this shit you're going through either! It is 100% her fault you are in this position and 0% yours. Not because she had sex with him but because she lied to you. This is a permanent emotional wound that she has given you. The sting may fade in time but it will never heal.
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