A
male
age
36-40,
*ostlad
writes:Hi everyone,I've been seeing my girlfriend now for about 18 months - we're very much in love, and are now living together. So, all good on that front!But...my problem is that, at the start of our relationship she used to talk about her "past" a lot - previous boyfriends that she'd split up with, the reasons why things didn't work out etc. And now I just can't stop thinking about it! I spend hours agonising about her past, thinking about her and ex-partners, wondering "did she used to go out with him?" when she meets up with male friends and not wanting to go to places that she might bump into them.It just isn't healthy, and I know EVERYONE has "a past" (she's had the same number of partners as me, if we don't include the one she couldn't go through with), so is it normal to feel like this?Thanks
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male
reader, lostlad +, writes (13 July 2007):
lostlad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, especially Dr Pete! That seems to sum me up quite well actually. I think I agonise about things far too much, which is possibly because I am quite inexperienced and find it hard to let things like this go - but it all comes with age and maturity I suppose.
She says that wishes she could turn back time and not mention her previous partners so much (especially one particularly well endowed one!), but we can't - so I know it's just something I have to deal with!
Thanks again
A
female
reader, myp  +, writes (3 July 2007):
 i absolutely totally agree with dr.pete, but you also need to remember that she picked YOU, shes with you becuse she likes you better, and if that wasnt the case then you two wouldnt be together.best of luck-Myesha
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): Yes it is normal and your kind of question comes up a lot on here.
I think it is quite a common problem that people make. It probably affects men more because of the differences in how our culture distinguish the male and female gender and how we perceive the other.
The thing is, what is done is done and although I know you wish you could remove those memories from your mind, you also know that will never happen.
I'm going to be honest here, maybe you'll disagree with me, but it's something to think about about why you would find these memories hurtful.
Broadly generalising, guys reach maturity and view women in a particular way. A part of that way is believing in a fantasy that they should be the women's first love, or first meaningful partner in their life. You then go through some pretty painful experience to realise that life doesn't work that way.
Then, whilst the average person has the emotional capacity to "accept" someones past assuming it is kept in the past, this is often made much harder, and sometimes impossible, by someone digging up memories and details as your girlfriend has done as it brings it in to the present.
I mean, it would take an emotionally developed person who has had adequate sexual and relationship experience to hear the entire romantic or sexual history of their partner and to not have their perception of them changed in any way. That is just the way it goes and your girlfriends only mistake is that she didn't appreciate that, or understand you well enough to know it would upset you.
You are young mate, and I am guessing here but that is why this is particularly affecting you, it really does come down to you not having had enough sexual and relationship experience to gain the confidence in knowing that you are far better than any other guy before her.
You see, hearing her past is bringing out an insecurity in you. It's an irrational fear and that's why you can't control it. It is instinctive and starts before you can consciously control it.
You say you are wondering if a particular guy used to go out with her and you are scared of bumping in to them. That is a fear that you are not good enough, because you are comparing yourself to other men and judging yourself to be less. You need to take a look in the mirror and remind yourself just how great you are and that no other guy even comes close.
Ask yourself this, if your girlfriend came to you with the same problem, you'd reassure her and tell her that you love her like no other ex and you wouldn't change anything about her! Maybe you are just in need of a little pep talk by her and receive some emotional support and be reminded that you are loved by her and that no ex ever came close to what you two have? Maybe you could mention the problem to her - but just make sure you phrase it in the right way, in that it makes you feel insecure and worried. I'm sure she'll make you feel better about it straight away.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (3 July 2007):
 The past is just that... THE PAST! Forget it and move FORWARD! No one can change their past but they can learn from it and move on and that's what YOU need to do here. Your girlfriend has obviously felt comfortable enough to be able to talk with you about her past relationships so you should take that as a compliment. These guys are in her past for a reason and YOU are in her present for a reason. Don't let her past eat away at you, forget it and tell yourself your so lucky to have her now, she chose to be with you... YOU! Build on what you both have together NOW and don't stress yourself out a minute longer with something you can never change. Life is just too short.
Eve
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (3 July 2007):
 Yes it is normal to feel like this to some extent but if you let it consume you it will ruin your relationship, she is with you now and is obviously happy so try not to think about it, like you said yourself everyone has a past and it really needs to be left there to be able to have a decent future.
Take care.xx.
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