A
male
age
41-50,
*avel38
writes:I've mentioned before on here that I've fallen big time for a colleague, I've known here for 3 years now and over the last year really fallen for her, sadly she doesn't feel the same way and much as it hurts I accept I can't change that. We used to be 'mates', we disagree now about how close we were, but previously even when she knew I really liked her she'd phone me regularly about work or personal issues, we'd exchange emails and on numerous occasions spend hours chatting on MSN. I understand she now feels that we need some distance so she treats me very much like a 'colleague', which is tough because she has the same rapport with other colleagues we used to have , I feel 'left out'. No matter how hard I try I don't seem to feel as though I'm getting over her and keep getting upset about it, which only annoys both of us - it's a big step but should I think about leaving work ?.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Hi sorry to hear you are feeling low. There maybe a possibility that you misread signals especially if this woman is the same with other colleagues. She obviously ahs a strong personality. Be grateful that you were able to speak to her on a close basis but she has set boundries that you must not cross. My advice is to accept things the way they are, examine the state of mind you were in at the time you were close maybe you were vulnerable and needed a shoulder. Respect her wishes and if you feel unable to accept these terms it would be advisable to transfer or change jobs.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (30 August 2007):
 Maybe someday but not right now. Right now you need to put some distance on this relationship and come to a better place personally. This woman has too powerful of a pull on your emotions and it will continue to keep you from pursuing another woman who might actually be right for you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, pavel38 +, writes (30 August 2007):
pavel38 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWork wise we've always got on well, I think she's great at her job and she has always said what a great boss I am and how good I am at my job. I left my old job working with her and then she got offered a job somewhere else and whilst sorting out her reference I got offered the chance to work alongside her. At the time she was delighted and said how great it was we'd be working together again - amusingly enough I actually suggested she didn't take the job as I felt our employer wouldn't give her the opportunities she had elsewhere (I still think that !). It's just sad how well we get on as colleagues but it is very much a 9-5 business only type arrangement now, I feel I've lost a friend too. Everytime we talk we inevitably end up arguing, I'd love to just sit down with her, have a beer and have a laugh, nothing more nothing less.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 August 2007):
 She might well be deliberately trying to push you away hun.Turn you against her so to speak.
Does she have no desire to be transfrerred somewhere else seeing as you are the boss? or isnt that a possibility either?
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (30 August 2007):
Yes you should consider changing jobs if that is possible. It doesn't sound like you're ever going to move on as long as the two of you work together. It's torturing you and you simply must move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, pavel38 +, writes (30 August 2007):
pavel38 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have talked about the situation on several occasions, like she says what can she say ?. She thinks I keep punishing myself over it, need to move on and give her some space. Equally sometimes she makes some hurtful comments, last week she told me some advice I gave her months back about an ex (I strongly advocated she talk things through and not just end it because I knew she really liked him, only after I felt it was evident he didn't want the same things and was hurting her did I suggest she had to accept she deserved better) was not advice she liked and wished she'd never asked me for advice, which I found really offensive because to me it didn't need to be said. At work things are ok, but things are just so 'clinical' between us and I am uncomfortable with it.
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A
male
reader, pavel38 +, writes (30 August 2007):
pavel38 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSadly I've tried that and we only end up, well not arguing, but only more frustrated with the other. She says that I keep punishing myself over it for no reason and need to move on and give her space, yet she also says things like how the advice I gave her about her ex when she asked for advice 6 months back(I put personal feelings to one side and strongly advised her to talk things through with the guy rather than just ending it, that is until he didn't seem to care when I said perhaps she was right and deserved better) didn't help her, she didn't like it and wish she'd never asked me, which I found pretty hurtful - I feel as if she's trying to deliberately hurt me so that I leave her alone but with us working so closely it only makes things harder...
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 August 2007):
Hmmmm tricky one then!
You're probably just gonna have to ride this out then.
Have a chat with her maybe. Up front and honest. Say you dont want a bad atmosphere. Sometimes when your frank with people it can clear the air quite a lot.
Any chance of that?
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, pavel38 +, writes (30 August 2007):
pavel38 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAppreciate all the advice, it doesn't help that I'm her boss and long before the attraction developed I've always thought she is one of the best staff I've ever managed in over 6 years of management. Sadly a transfer isn't possible. I keep convincing myself I can get over it and things can return to how they were, not that I expect that to happen overnight, but it's been 4 months now and the situation hasn't improved at all. It's got to the stage where I don't like logging on MSN because if she's on there I don't like blanking her and then we get talking but it's always a strained conversation.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (30 August 2007):
 This is the whole problem of romances, affairs and unreciprocated loves at work. When things are going good then all is sweet, but when/if things go the other way it can be cause major feelings of resentment and bad feeling. In your case you really like her and she wants to distance herself, i don't know how big your work place is but its very hard to do this in the office without causing some sort of atmosphere.
Maybe you should ask for a transfer to another department, or move on and start afresh somewhere else.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 August 2007):
Hi
Might be a good idea if its possible.
Shes distanced herself because she possibly thought she gave you the wrong idea when you were more pally before and it wasnt what she wanted.
It would be hard to get it back to how it was before.
Its not impossible though, but it could take some time of just leaving things as they are and time being a great healer. But that might be too hard for you?
Good luck.
Caz xxx
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