A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So today, I read my bf's text messages (he let me) between him and his girl best friend. They haven't talked for a few days, but I'm bothered. Keep in mind that he's not the person to really text, and when he does, it's short and to the point.Basically the text was him trying to convince her to come hang out with everyone, as she didn't want to. He was texting her the same way he used to text me, with smiley faces and sad faces when she said she didn't want to go and they were huge paragraphs, some longer than mine. It unnerved me when I saw her say "don't you miss me? :P" because they haven't seen each other for a while, and I feel like she WANTED him to miss her. It seemed flirty. He responded with a "of course I do." and continued trying to get her to go, and she kept denying until he was like "You don't want to hang with us /3"I just feel like he shouldn't be telling other girls he misses them or sending them broken hearts like that, even IF she's his best friend. Also, he sends the text to her within 3 minutes, while I have to usually wait 10-15 minutes for mine. Am I just overreacting? I just can't get over the jealous feeling.
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female
reader, pared down +, writes (20 July 2012):
 i think your instincts are spot on in terms of how your feeling about all of this. get this, when a guy wants you, he does all these great things, little details spot light on you and it makes you feel special. its what, in part, develops your feelings for him. almost without question, men very often, stop doing those things when they can sense they have a relaitonship with you where you are present with them..in other words, you arent a model who is being pursued constantly by everyone where ever you go and continually your bf has to be on his toes to earn you. when a guy feels that transition in the relationship, he so many times just stops engaging. alot of times, men have to have that one person they cant have or there is flity energy with--just so they feel like what they have isnt all they have. they seem to like to have this flirty energy and they want to be luring someone closer--just like they did you!! you can feel this in everything--it does make you mad and it does hurt. it will erode the elemants of trust in the relationship too. you know what it feels like when a guy makes you feel like his number one, its a great feeling. one small detail in that is that he used to text you right back. now hes texting her right back--he texts you short, to the point texts and he texts her paragraphs. that is becasue she isnt available to him the way you are. not only are you available to him, you are actually an emotional equivilant of a barnicle on his ribcage bc you ask him for MORE than he gives on his own. that will feel extracted from him and it will work against you, it will make you feel bad for even having to ask! and like if he gives you what you just asked for [like if your his bf] that its just to please you--it wont feel authentic. what you want inst acheivable by talking. i used to think that talking was the only thing you could do to resolve stuff in a relaitonship. nope. you have to trigger the issue on the level of language and development he's on--man speak. man speak isnt even with words. its all action based. its being less available, and seeing if he checks in or eventually becomes aware if you are with someone else. it triggers his primal drive to earn you back or get you closer and when this part of him is triggerd, he [hopefully] will be extednign himself to you the way he used to--and the way he extends himself to her--which is why it drives you nuts. you cant ask a guy for this, you have to inspire it from him by action based behavior that tiggers his natural drive to catch you. best to you
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Let's face it, wouldn't we all have an insecurity problem if our man was talking texting, talking to, and emailing other girls all the time? I think it is really poor advice to be saying that just because this upsets you you have an insecurity problem. If you know anything about human nature, you know that when your boyfriend texts other girls and acts sweet with them (like he should be acting with you), that something isn't right.
Sorry for that rant, but I believe that when someone is wrong someone is wrong. You don't blame the other person when one person is in the wrong.
With that being said, you guys are pretty young. I think a lot of times young people think that there is nothing wrong with texting/emailing members of the opposite sex/having best friends that are members of the opposite sex even when they have a significant other. I guess it is fine as long as everyone else is fine with it too.
The problem here is that one person (you) in the relationship isn't ok with it. To all of the other posters...would this be ok if this was a husband and wife and the husband was texting other women/putting hearts on his texts to them? NO, it wouldn't. So, it is not ok now either.
Discuss this with your boyfriend and tell him it makes you sad that he texts other girls constantly. See what he says. He may think you are making a big deal out of nothing, but if he cares, he should take your concerns seriously.
I am sorry you have been made to feel like you are the problem here. I just know that if this was my boyfriend, I would feel pretty low that he is constantly texting other women and yes, it would make me feel insecure in the fact that he is giving them attention when it should be coming to me.
Don't think this is your fault.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YOU WISH: She used to have feelings for him, and they'd hang out almost everyday the first month we went out. He'd also used to bring her up in almost every conversation we had.
@BONDGIRL72: I had asked him if he'd consider me his best friend... at first he kept saying "you're just my girlfriend" and I kept asking and eventually, I feel like he gave in, said I was just to please me. He's still hesitant when I ask him still, and we've been together for over a year.. ):
@MIAMINE: I understand where you're coming from, I know I have an insecurity problem and jealousy problem to fix. My judgement gets clouded when these things happen, that's why I rather ask for help than act rashly. It's JUST her though, other females don't bother me at all when they talk to him. But I can't stop feeling this way because of the fact she used to have feelings for him. She used to LIKE him a lot.. and I know those feelings don't just go away ): Especially when some other girl comes in and whisks him away without her having a chance. I'm the bad person here, I know.. That's why I want to get over this feeling. It's not right.
@IAMHERETOHELPYOU: Yes I see your view too. I don't know how to get my jealousy under control. Like I've been saying, she had feelings for him. I don't know how to let go of that fact. I think that's my problem.
Yes, I agree, I tend to over react. I've tried so hard to fix myself on his behalf, a lot of things have gotten better because I changed the way I acted. We used to fight a lot, until I realized, it's ME. Not him. This is the only problem left. Just his best friend. I guess, what I'm saying is that I don't trust him enough, and I need to build on that. I'm basing his "would be actions" on past guys who I've had a thing with..
But thank you everyone, all your much advice is appreciated.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2012):
 I"m with Bond Girl... men and woman who are single IMO have a very hard time being friends.
I have male friends here at work... but we are all partnered outside of work with others... and most of my male friends are part of a couple...
all my very very close friends are women...
and no I do not think that most ex partners can be friends...
friendly yes
civil yes
but friends NO
and I do think OP that you are over-reacting in terms of how long it takes him to answer a text or how much he's typing...
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 Ex's can be great friends... and I say this as someone who spent hours today with my ex's current girlfriend...As she likes to say "we are adults and we know the score"... and I was happy to tell her, he said (my ex, her man) "my girlfriend is the easiest woman I lived with"Heck where does that leave me.. he lived with me... (laughs)My ex is my best friend, and his girlfriend is like a sister. But this is normal in my world... no ex leaves, they bring their kids and family.. heck me parents divorced 30years are best friends.Check yourself, jealousy, worry, inadequacy usually lie in you. Do you love him, Do you trust him, will you cry if you never see him again... them is the important questions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): I don't think I would be happy if my boyfriend was texting a girl like that but then again my boyfriend wouldn't think it was right for me to text a boy like that. Then again we are 25 and 27 so it's bit different,your still kids really and having girl mates,boy mates is normal. Think you need to tell him it bothers you,communication is important in a relationship hence why I am still with my boyfriend after 6 years.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 July 2012):
Ok babes, I know this hard, but stick with me.....Do you want the guy to love you only? And is he allowed female friends?But if he loves you only... how the hell can a text steal him away? Love is strong and can't be destroyed so easily, (not if it's true love) and definitely not by a couple of extra text words.Is your love so shallow, so easily stolen? One text and your love is gone? One text and he will go woman mad and dump you?He gives her 10 words, he gives you 5..... so what.. Are you gonna leave him over 5 words? Is he only ALLOWED to love you.. is he allowed to love his mother, his sister, his cousin, or is this wrong cause they is female... does it get more difficult if he loves his long time school friend or the childhood girl next door? What does love mean to you? Are you only secure if you can find a box and lock the guy in there? Do you have a list.... you can talk to this woman, your allowed to say that and only that....What about you, don't you have man friends, and if you do, is your guy allowed to tell you what to say?Check yourself, check what love means to you... you got the problem.. and it's ugly and small. Your guy sounds like he's just trying to help out a friend.... pity it's so difficult because his girlfriend doesn't like women to get help from men.If your dad says "hello".. and mum says "hello babes".. does mum love you more because she says two words?Are you 16-17 or are you 10-12?He likes her more than me because he typed more words, so I'll cry and get angry because more words means more love.... (your type of love seems flaky. What happens when you have kids, you get upset cause your 3yr old has a school friend? Check yourself!!!)I don't know what's going on with you or your history, but your guy is allowed to help a woman friend, and he is allowed to use more words in a text... this is normalCheck yourself.... this old lady (me) will tell you, life is short and getting angry with a guy trying to help a friend, will make you disgusted with your own self in the end.Does he treat you good, does he make you happy, do you feel special, this is what counts.... not how many words on some modern text machine. And trying to hold a guy to yourself and destroy all his friends is a recipe for failure.. this is not love, it's obsession, possession and ownership. (like he's your dog)And if you cry, get angry and leave him... what happens next? You go find another guy who has a female best friend(or even a man)and you want to kill them, cause he text's them more times than you, or their texts are longer? This is the time when we aunts on Dear Cupid (other aunts will probably say it nicer) ask you to check yourself and see if your parents gave you enough security and love or look over what makes you worry in life. It's hard, but you will get stronger. Nothing about this guy does/says shows a lack of care, but your worry will drive him away If you love him stay... if not, then check why your upset and dump him for someone better.Right now, from what you say, he sounds like a nice guy trying to help a friend.... maybe nice guys are difficult for you, and you want a loner, with no woman friends who can spend his time only on you?Your the one with the problem, your guy sounds like a very nice guy.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 July 2012):
I pretty much agree with everything YouWish is saying, but with one fundamental difference. I really don't believe men and women can be best friends without the issue of sex or sexual attraction entering into it at some point. I am not saying your guy is messing around, but if they are BEST friends, that is saying a lot. What are you then? Chopped liver? To me, YOU should be his best friend. If he's interested in YOU, he should not be texting, calling, or emailing other girls. I don't think he should be telling other girls he misses them either. Just because we all have 24 hour access to people with our technology does not mean we should use it. NO ONE needs that much attention or communication...and if they do...there is something wrong. Would it be ok with him if the tables were turned and you were texting guys all the time and telling them you missed them? If he can do this, I would tell him that you want to text other guys too.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 July 2012):
 Hmm...so far, nothing you've described shows that anything wrong or inappropriate has happened between them, and I have to give him credit for showing you the texts when he didn't have to.
It's okay for him to have a female friend IF they're not exes, or he's ever had romantic feelings for her or she for him, OR if they ever were FWB's or had a one-night stand. If none of that has ever happened, and no romantic feelings have ever been in their relationship at any time, then I wouldn't worry about it. He's with you, and he's into you.
I'd stay on guard though. If it bothers you that he's showing attention to this girl, you can break up with him. However, unless there are or were romantic or sexual things happening in their past or present, you shouldn't try and get him to drop her because you're jealous. If they are truly platonic friends and always have been, it's possible that as the two of you get closer, their friendship will fade slowly.
However, if, like I said before, there are or were romantic feelings involved, or they are exes, then you have every right to say "This is inappropriate". He sounds honest by showing you the texts, so maybe you want to ask him if she has a crush on him. It isn't good if he's simply soaking up her affection for him even if he hasn't cheated. That's not fair to you.
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