A
female
age
36-40,
*ec1984
writes:OK this will be really long but I feel I have to give you the full story so you can try and help. Me and my boyfriend are both 24. We have been going out for almost 8 months. We told each other we loved each other after about 3 months. A month or so later we were getting intimate, not sex, and later on he made a comment that he thought that me being totally shaved was incredibly sexy. He then went on to say that no-one had ever commented on his grooming. From then on I've had major problems. This just triggered something off in me which I haven't been able to get past because it reminded me that he'd been so close and intimate with people in the past.I am a virgin. I've only ever really been out with 1 person before and that only lasted a month or so because it was clear he was only after one thing. We didn't do anything really. I have been brought up strictly and my Dad has been very controlling over me getting intersted in boys but also I have grown up as a christian going to church and have always been brought up being told that sex should be saved for that one special person that I would like to marry. I'm not necessarily saying I would wait until marriage to do it but it would have to feel right and know that he is the one.My boyfriend has slept with 2 people before. He had relationships lasting about 2 years each. The first girl who I met cheated on him and the second girl who I've only ever seen pictures of, was just using him because she didn't want to be on her own and then went off with other people. They didn't deserve someone as great as him. They used him and hurt him. It really bothers me that he's slept with them. Different things have triggered me off over the months. His last ex was putting messages on Facebook and posting photos of them and I didn't like it. He removed her off Facebook and deleted the number in his phone he'd still got because he said he didn't care about her and only loved me. It was all in the past.We actually met at college when we were 17 and he really liked me then but I only ever saw him as a friend. I regret now that we didn't go out because then I wouldn't have his past to deal with but it obviously wasn't the right time and it's not saying it would have lasted then even if I did like him. Timing could be fate. We kept in touch throughout college and when he moved away to university and I knew he'd slept with people but it didn't bother me then and I didn't think about it when I first entered this relationship. I just realised that I did like him and that he was decent and wanted to give things a go and see what happened and so did he.I don't know how to stop thinking about the fact that he's had sex before. I visualise the actual act and how they enjoyed it and it really upsets me and I've felt sick about it. I've hardly eaten for the last couple of months because I can't face it. Half of me worries that our first time won't be as special for him as it is for me because he's done it all before. The other day when it was mentioned he said you're thinking about my ex's as though they're a threat. They were not perfect people and far from it. He's said they didn't deserve someone as nice as him and he regrets it. He said just because it won't be his first time doesn't mean it won't be his most special time when he's with me because he's never felt like this about anyone. He's never loved anyone as much as me. He's reassured me it will be more special than ever. He said he wasn't brought up with guidance on sex. He just thought sex was something you did as an adult when you're in a relationship and he never viewed it as special so he's never had that special first time. He said he only realises now, that he's made mistakes and that by seeing what it means to me, he realises how special it should be and that with me, he'll feel what he's been missing and the bond we have will make it mean more because he feels so loved back too. He said if he knew then how different things could be, he'd have waited. He says he feels petrified about our first time because he doesn't want to let me down and he knows what this act will mean to me and symbolise my commitment to him. I have no expectations. It's the emotional side that means more to me. He has matured because of his experiences and that being cheated on made him more considerate, being used made him realise how important it is to make me feel special etc.I don't want to judge him for his past because he is a decent person. He always treats me so well. He's a real gentleman and is really thoughtful and gentle and he has loads of really amazing qualities. The only major thing I dislike is his past. But I also realise he deserves happiness because he's been treated badly. He'd do anything for me and he's been really supportive about this and said we'll work through it together and with communication and finding the root problem, we can get over this in time and we'll be stronger for it. I realise the likelihood of finding a virgin at my age is slim but even if I did, they couldn't treat me any better than my boyfriend does. If he was a virgin, I would have no troubles. He's said sex isn't important to him. It's not the be all and end all and a relationship isn't built on that. He said he'd wait until marriage if I wanted so he's not just with me for that. He's said a loving relationship is what provides strong foundations. Both my Mom and aunty were virgins but my Dad and uncle weren't and they've been married 27 years and 15 years. They didn't let it bother them and just thought oh I'm special to him now so the past doesn't matter but I can't seem to do that. I question whether I love him enough or I would be able to get over this easier but then at the same time, I think if I didn't love him, I wouldn't have this problem because I just wouldn't care. It didn't bother me to begin with but as I fell in love with him and was comtemplating that he would be the one person I slept with, it became a big issue that he'd had sex before. I'm inexperienced in relationships and I don't know how things are supposed to feel. I've read stuff about retroactive jealousy and low self esteem but I don't really know what I need to do to get over this. I know if I didn't love him I wouldn't have stuck at it this long feeling upset and sick as long as I have. I don't want to give on him or lose him because he means so much to me and this issue would follow me anyway.Please if anyone has felt as I have and got over this, please tell me how. It's no good saying the past is the past, get over it because that doesn't help. I need proper guidance and support. Any advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): I don´t know what you did at the end.. but I would honestly advice you to not put out to this guy. Men usually say what women want to hear in order to have them or be in a relationship with them (note that I´m not saying all of them are only after sex). I would wait and see, but don´t give your virginity to him. If he´s serious about you and REALLY loves you, he´ll wait.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): I agree that past sex partners help shape us into who we are. But is any of that shaping for the better?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): I think I know how you feel, and personally I've decided long time ago that I won't give my virginity to an experienced girl. The fact that she would mean everything to me and I won't be the same for her is something I can't accept. Ex-partners won't disappear from a person's mind/heart completely and at some point there will be (at lest involuntary) comparison. Sure, those relations can work but I don't think they'll ever match the ones where both were virgins (and had the same moral values). Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Also what I said in my first post I wrote, Everything happens for a reason. He would not be the person he is today without having gone through these previous relationships. They have made him appreciate you more than he would have otherwise. They showed him what love isn't and you have showed him what love is. He wouldnt't be the same person without them.
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reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (7 January 2009):
Well you definitely love him. It wouldn't affect you like this if you didn't. I am going through this exact same thing with my boyfriend. You start the relationship and hear how many people they have been with and it's like "oh, ok." Then later when you fall for them it's all you can think about. For me the trigger was when I saw an old comment to an ex that said how much he missed her. This was about a year before he even met me but it still hurt. Then it was like everything made me think about his exes. Like the shaved thing you said- I wondered who he dated that he liked it on. Or if he saw a pair of underwear he liked that wasn't my style, which ex wore them that he found attractive? It's crazy, you know? Like your boyfriend, mine erased all of his old numbers. He told me he never felt with any of them like he feels with me. That now he knows what love is. Having sex with them meant nothing. My boyfriend was also cheated on by his gf of 1 1/2 years. Our similarities are astounding, aside from I was not a virgin when my boyfriend and I met. Somehow my past does not affect him. Like you, I don't understand how people just don't worry about it and say "the past is the past". One thing my boyfriend did that made me feel better was he cited specific examples of how he cares more for me than his exes. One example- when we go out he tries to find new fun exciting different things to do. With them all they ever did was see a movie and he just wanted to be home playing video games. Another example- He took me to meet his grandparents, which he never did with them. This made me believe that this relationship is different to him and does mean a lot. Another thing we did was communicate everything as soon as it bothers me. Like we went to Victoria's Secret and I made a comment about a bra saying there basically was no point in wearing it. He said "well it must be comfortable. Some girls wear it." Which made me think, which ex of his wore that? (insane...I know) About an hour later I told him what was bothering me and we decided that I should say exactly what come to mind as soon as I think it. This way I don't dwell on it and let it fester and upset me. I am not completely cured yet but definitely better and don't think about his exes too much anymore. Another thing you can do is remind yourself that you are with him now. He loves you. YOU are meant to be with him, not those other girls. You are lucky to have such a patient and loving guy. I know I am. Most guys wouldn't listen to all of it so I can tell he really loves you. So to recap, have him tell you of specific things to know how special and different you are to him. And discuss everything on your mind as soon as it comes up so he can make you feel better and you don't worry about it. Good luck and feel free to email me if you ever need to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): I think your insecurities are stemming from the fact that those girls shared something with him that you haven't yet! As you get older you will realize that a persons past is just that...past! Don't give up on him because he has more experience than you do!
I think it's wonderful that you want to wait for marriage and even more so that he is willing to wait. Stop torturing yourself with these thoughts. He isn't with these girls, he's with you! He isn't keeping their memories alive...YOU ARE!
He sounds like a very good guy and maybe you can pray for more appreciation, and positive thinking!
Your chances of meeting a virgin is very slim, Everyone has a past of some kind...it really doesn't matter! And I can tell you with all sincerity that It will be special for him as well as you! He won't be comparing! He will be all yours when that special time comes! I promise! Don't let these thoughts consume you!
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reader, ggunit  +, writes (7 January 2009):
if you are still a virgin, then i would definitely end it with him.
there is nothing better than loosing your viginity to another virgin. even though it might not be that good, you will remember it.
it will hurt a bit for you, so if you end up loosing it to him, it will be almost the same as to someone who is a virgin.
the thought about you just being another girl he had sex with, and you giving up your viginity for him can play bad tricks on your mind.
my first girlfriend said she was a virgin i seriously have my doubts as girls say that to guys cause they think that is what they want to hear.
also, to wait till 24 is really good, having early sex sucks. i waited till i was 22. i am not a girl, but waiting till your maturity kicks in, makes sex better and your orgasms are better if you start sex after you hit 22 or 23. cause your body is fully ready for sex. whereas if you had sex earlier you might not be able to have orgasms after.
anyways back to your story. if he is not a virgin and you end up breaking up with him, you will feel terrible about it because you gave up something precious to him, and for him you were just another girl he slept with..
so ditch him..!
hope it works out
GGunit
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reader, metalsman +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Hello there bec1984
I've had exactly the same issues, but in reverse, with my wife.
If you'd like to e.mail me i'll run thru what it feels like when the role is reversed (i.e. issues over your wife's/girlfriend's past).
There's a whole host of posts one here about the subject but i can offer you my interpretation if you like and what worked/is working for me.
Best Regards
Simon
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