A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 21 years. I have 2 children, both teenagers.My husband is a workaholic, we rarely spend time with each other. Since the birth of our last child in 1993 our sex life has dwindle to almost nothing. If we do have sex, i usually initiate it and i need to "talk him into it". He usually does not sleep in our bed,prefering to fall asleep in the den. I have asked him if he was gay, and he has denied it many times.i have asked him if he is having an affair, again he has always denied it. I have asked him to see a doctor, he refuses.In the last year, he has becomes physically violent if i bring up the issue. The last time was August. If, i keep quiet and to myself, our relationship is fine.I am afraid he will seriously hurt me the next time.I am suffering from a mild depression because if this. I have recently met a man, he is married also. He makes my heart sing, I know that this emotional affair is wrong. I cannot divorce my husband because of religious and cultural reasons.I have been so lonely for so long that i don't know what to do. Do i let go of this man that makes me so happy? He is the only reason i get up in the mornings.
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affair, divorce, sex life, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): Hi , my advice to you , change your and your husband style .. may be he wants you to change your mode ,,, wear sexy clothes , change your clothes mode , your sex positions ,, really ,, you will see the deference
please , do not go with that married man ,, please stay close to your husband
Tamer
A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (28 October 2007):
 I agree with the others about being careful with this other man. Not so much for moral reasons but for your own sanity. What you don't need right now is more messing with your feelings. You will be adding another problem instead of solving the other. If your husband won't go see a doctor, then maybe you can see one on your own? I know it sounds silly to go to a couple's therapy on your own but I know they accept this if you have a marriage problem and one party refuses to go. It can still be of much help to you to sort things out about how you can make your life happier. It is not good for you to continue like you are doing now, it might even get worse over time, so I think you should go on your own if he refuses. Are there other women around who share your religion and culture, and who you trust, that you can talk to? They could maybe offer you some solace since there must be others who suffered the same as you. Also the abusing part worries me. If he would hurt you physically, would your religion still prevent you from at least live apart from him even though not formally divorced? It is not good for children to see their father beat up their mother.
Wish you luck!
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A
male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (28 October 2007):
 You have obviously got some problems going on here. It seems you are between a rock and a hard place and don't know in which direction to go at this point.
It is easy for those that are not in your situation to sit back and say; Oh, you should have done this or you should have done that.
However, the thing is now that you need help and some kind of solace.
One thing you need not do at this point is to complicate things by trying to salve your emotions with another relationship.
Ultimately you may have no other choice than to divorce. But forget about that for now, I know you wish to avoid that if at all possible.
Make no mistake about it, where love is dwindling talk slows between you, basic needs (sex) goes unsatisfied and the relationship seems to just fall apart.
The problem in bringing in someone else to try to fill those needs is like a dish with no food on it. The promise of satisfaction is there but you still walk away with an empty stomach. (Not to say that isn't what is happening currently with your marriage.)
When you have to negotiate sex with your partner it seems to make the relationship in a marriage even more difficult especially in a situation like yours.
I have extracted a quote from an article on a website I trust implicitly and I do hope you will read it in depth.
Perhaps, and I do sincerly hope, the article will help. Doc
"By the time people file for divorce, sexual deprivation of many years' standing is shockingly common. In some cases the sexual relationship was never established, and in others, sex was mechanical, merely a vent for one partner's physical needs."—Judith S. Wallerstein, clinical psychologist.
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20010108/article_01.htm
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 October 2007):
 So you know because of your religion affairs are probably not looked at as an OK to your problem.
He's married too. Just great. Why don't you sit down with your teens and let the know what you want to do, and let them know it's OK because mom does it.
When you have children, you'd better conduct yourself in a way that you could be proud if your children were in the audience watching your behaviors.
What I found wrong in your questions are two additional factors: (1) He makes me so happy. That's is dependent behavior. This means you can't find happiness alone, you expect outside influences to make you happy. That lasts about as long as the new car smell, because it's a superficial means of happiness. (2) He's the only reason I get up in the morning. This too is very dependent behavior. You would be doing yourself and this guy a disservice by beginning any form of relationship with him.
As far as getting divorced, if he's abusive don't stay with him. But also don't just jump into another relationship. At this point that would be one of the worse mistakes you could make at this point. You need to learn to build yourself back up, your self esteem, your character.
Long term. The only way to be happy for years and years with someone is to all ready be happy when you begin with them in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Sassister +, writes (28 October 2007):
Not knowing your religion or cultural background, it is difficult for me to understand how any religion can expect someone to honor a vow that is already broken or punish a person who is already in a punishing situation that leads to depression. If you honestly believe that your marriage is causing your depression and that it is leading to you having an affair, you really need to question the hold that these institution have over you. I'm sure that your religion and culture would not approve of an affair either, but you are engaging in one.
Is it worse to engage in secret behavior that would be looked down upon by these institutions and live with the fear of being caught or is it worse to openly take action that will not be openly supported with the hope that eventually people will come around to see that the action was the best thing you could have done for everyone concerned?
In case, they don't. Can you accept the idea that you can rebuild your life with new friends and be happy?
That said, it's not a good idea to begin a new life with a married individual.
That said, you have absolutely no idea what could be wrong with your husband? Not even an inkling or suspicion?
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