A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want a divorce. But, I feel that it is selfish and illogical. And I love my husband in a platonic way and do not want to hurt him, I know that it would be better for him in the long run to be with somebody else but he is very dependent on me and does not see it that way. Details: I made the mistake of having a fling with him and getting pregnant. I got married because I genuinely wanted to provide a stable loving home for our child. He loves me. I love him but only as a friend. I find him needy and I am annoyed that he pressured me into a relationship even though I told him clearly and repeatedly I was not interested. He has been violent but never emotionally abusive. He is not confident enough to be manipulative. He has a flash temper and he has hurt me physically but he has put so much effort into overcoming this for the sake of our family that the argument that it will continue is truly invalid in this case. He has changed. The problem is that I am still full of resentment over the past. He is a devoted father and loves our child. He could not bear to be separated from h even when away for one night for work. I don't want to hurt him by taking her away from him. He has worked hard to be a good father. I am angry at myself for not being able to love him. I desperately want to be out of this marriage and I feel justified in that but at the same time I feel that he has changed so much for the better, and we are so clearly better off financially and logistically as a family, that leaving is selfish. I was never attracted to him. I made this clear to him. But that shouldn't matter. He has done him part and overcome his demons. Why can't I forgive him and learn to love him? I think I am being very immature.
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divorce, emotionally abusive, immature, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (10 August 2016):
 I also tend to believe that sometimes, you just know too much of a person's past, and that the pain from or negativity of that past is too hard to overcome. It is better to let that person go so that they can be with someone who is not holding the past as something against them. Give each of you a clean slate.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (10 August 2016):
You can't beat yourself up for feelings you don't have, punishing yourself for it doesn't suddenly create the feelings you lack. I think you're trying to rationalize the relationship--that it makes sense to stay, things are better etc., but these thoughts are going to be at constant odds with your feelings. The external stuff was bad, and you felt this way, and the external stuff improved, but the internal stuff has remained the same, so what makes you think that your feelings are going to get better? I can understand that might make you feel spoiled or defective, but it sounds like the truth is you two have never been on the same page. It's not that you're immature, it's that you two are not compatible. It probably seems like a logistical nightmare to leave, but you might be surprised by the weight that is lifted from leaving the wrong relationship.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (7 August 2016):
I don’t think this is a question of maturity now. Your mistake was marrying him and trying to make it work in the first place, knowing that the feelings weren’t there. But don’t beat yourself up too much about that: it was a bad decision made with very good intentions and it’s a decision many have made before and after you did.
You need to be honest with your husband. There isn’t anything he can do to fix these because you aren’t in love with him. Years could go by and you will only become more angry, bitter and resentful. That’s unlikely to create the happy and stable atmosphere you wanted for the child in the first place. You need to be clear with him that you want to leave, and clearly commit to making sure he is a full part of his child’s life and will be able to see her regularly. Plenty of parents that are separated make it work and you can too. Plenty of married couples bring their children up in homes filled with anger, mistrust and conflict and that profoundly affects them for the rest of their lives. Both of you can be a full and active part in your child’s life without being together. Do it now whilst the child is young: many kids now grow up with separated parents being their idea of normal.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (6 August 2016):
 Do you think you would be happier out of the relationship? You seem to be saying that you would. In that case you need to have a civilised conversation about the future.
Many other couples split up with varying degrees of success. These days our children all know parents who are divorced.
The practical details need working out: where both of you will live; child custody; maintenance....
The big question is whether he can become part of the solution and not the problem.
Sorry things have gone wrong but it seems like you have both tried. It can be hard parting as friends but it is ultimately the best way.
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