A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice, I don't know what to do. My husband and I are constantly arguing. It seems as if 99.9% of the time is my fault either because i did something wrong or failed to do something. I'm trying my best to keep him happy but it seems it just never enough and when i do its never right. Then when we argue he will bring everything that I've done wrong in the past and things that we have already argued about, or other things that he just doesn't like that i do on top of what the actual argument is about. His explanation is that he has to with me because I'm so hard headed. I had my first child at 22and being a single mother ever since and I'm trying to be as patient and understanding as possible because i want for us to work out. I do tell him that there are also things that i don't like about him but i know i have to deal with them. His response is that its nothing compared to all the things that i do then he'll go on about them. Other things he tells me are like i just don't know when to keep my mouth shut. When i try to explain something it never makes sense to him so then I'm a liar. I'm just fed up with all this arguing that i just rather keep my mouth shut and even that also upsets him so I'm at a loss i don't know what to do. He gets upset over the smallest thing. (moving the furniture when he wasn't here to help, then because i didn't move the couch when he told me to, or didn't go check what he had on his shoulder when he told me to. Because i don't follow a set schedule for my son i was told i have to pay for electricity if he wanted to watch tv which required me to have a job so he didn't know how i was going to do that. So then i find me a job and my god he is maaad. So i now have to quit my job. What do i do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): I have the exact problem with my husband. He says he hates me.. We live in my apartment. He left me last year and really broker heart. I took him back thinking he would change. I don't believe he knows how to be nice to anyone. He is very demanding, and I just can't take it anymore. I feel so aggravated with myself because I quit my job when we got back together as he wished. Now I feel almost obligated to stay.. Then he tells me yesterday he is leaving me. Of course when rent is due. I gotta get out of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): I was married to a wonderful man who always seemed to find faults in me. My legs didn't have the right muscles so I should wear pants to hide that, my hips were too wide, I act like a child when I'm around my friends, I don't behave correctly around people..... and so on.
His reason was also to change me to make me better, but not better as a person and individual, but better so he would like me more. When I got fed up and told him that I just can't do it any more, I'm not good enough for him, he should find someone else who is better, and became distant he would turn in the most loving and wonderful person, apologize, I would forgive and forget, but then the whole thing start all over again.
My self esteem was shot, I didn't think I was good enough for anything, that I couldn't do anything right, always had to call him ask his opinion and advice and permission to do something, to get something for the house and so on.
Finally I got tired. After 6 years of marriage I gave up, and no matter how nice he was, I left. What helped is that I met a group of friends some from my teens, some new, and they couldn't understand why I felt the way I did about myself.
They loved the way I was when we were out, they loved having me around, it was not the same when I was not there, men started hitting on me and telling me how beautiful and desirable those hips of mine are, and that they hate women who are skinny like most models.
Another words, it's not that I was not perfect, I am, but I was not perfect for my ex husband. I'm glad we both understood that and let each other be happy by finding people who love us just the way we are.
Although I do feel bad for his current wife, I think although she's physically what he likes, and behaves the way he likes, he puts her through hell, and still is not happy.
It's a type of person that is very destructive to be around.
You are perfect the way you are for someone, just not for him. Respect yourself and strive to find someone who will love you for who you are and what you have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): wow....I do say this is IDENTICAL to my fiance! Even down to the part where he accuses me of lying because he does not understand what I am trying to explain to him....he also imagines things I say and accuses me of things I did not do...he is very controlling and is never wrong...and he brings up things from years ago and expects more appologies for them..then when he does something huge to me...he justifies it saying I brought it upon myself as well...and I am never good enough for him either..I did some research....both men seem to have a problem with emotional abuse...narcisistic behaviors....it is frustrating beyond frustrating! I have been so ready to throw in the towel except the fact we have an amazing chemistry...I as well am at odds as to what to do...I will say ....that they most likely will never change...and it only gets worse...Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): wow....I do say this is IDENTICAL to my fiance! Even down to the part where he accuses me of lying because he does not understand what I am trying to explain to him....he also imagines things I say and accuses me of things I did not do...he is very controlling and is never wrong...and he brings up things from years ago and expects more appologies for them..then when he does something huge to me...he justifies it saying I brought it upon myself as well...
and I am never good enough for him either..
I did some research....both men seem to have a problem with emotional abuse...narcisistic behaviors....it is frustrating beyond frustrating! I have been so ready to throw in the towel except the fact we have an amazing chemistry...I as well am at odds as to what to do...
I will say ....that they most likely will never change...and it only gets worse...
Best of luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the advise, and yes a while back I did ask him if he feels that way why is he still with me. He says that he just wants for me to succeed, be a better person and thats why he gets so upset and just be more logical according him. A couple of nights ago he flat out told he had no patience for dumb people and that i just didn't have any common sense whatsoever he just didnt understand. i was a good mother but sucked as a wife that as long as bills got paid i didn't give a darn then went about how many times ive checked the mail. He then said he was done trying that i have pushed him to the edge but he was not going to give me the satisfaction of putting him in jail over that. So he mentioned marriage counseling was the last option. I ended up apologizing and agreeing to counseling for him to tell me "for what i was never gonna change he just knew me to well" all because i wanted the smallest room for me and the kids. i had my reason, which he wanted to know and i never told him because i didn't want to hurt his feelings. I sometimes think that i am at fault for some of the arguments, because i dont know how to express my feelings and he knows and the little time i do im not understood. He says communication is a big problem btw us but we sleep in seperate rooms because "he is just so used to it and needs his space, so i need to respect that". I sincerely want this relationship to work because i love him and im not done trying, but very close to giving up at times.Our problem was not giving us enough time to continue to know each other before we married. We knew each other for two months "i know" got pregnant and got married at 8 months. Then the following day his off from work, i go drop off the boys, go to work. Its like if nothing happened and texts me that he has dinner ready for us tells me how much he loves me, and just enjoy whats left of the night... i really donk know what to think.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): This man sounds like an emotionally abusive person. I know this may sound a bit harsh, BUT if you have a SHRED of respect for yourself you need to GET OUT of this relationship. I will never understand why women put up with a partner who constantly berates them and destroys their self-esteem...but this isn't about me.Look, I understand you're a single mom. I know that relationships are tough, and that compromises need to made, but what this guy is doing to you isn't right. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I mean, he got mad because you got a job? Either you're a troll or he's full of sh__ because in THIS economy, who the hell is upset over their partner getting a job?? Really?Do yourself a favor and gain some self-respect. And if you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your son. Do you really want this guy to be the father figure in his life-- some guy who berates his mom? Think about what kind of unspoken message and lesson that will be instilled in your son when he gets older? It's a cycle that often too hard to break.Good luck Ms. I really do wish you and your son the best.
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Have you ever asked him "If you feel that I do everything wrong, why are you still with me?"I would probably tell him "You deserve to find someone who will make you happy. I'm sorry I can't be that woman for you."How do you think he will react to that?By the way, do you want to continue being in this relationship? Or do you think he is being unreasonably unfair with you?I know that I want to be with a man who is happy and grateful for the things I do, and if I do something wrong it's not a big deal. He seems to be putting you down a lot. That would make me feel worthless and that's a horrible feeling to experience. You have a child who is witnessing all this, how do you think that child will look at you? You will have no authority with your child, because he is seeing how your husband is putting you down all the time. Not a good situation to be in.
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