A
male
age
36-40,
*itter_man
writes:My girlfriend had 3 boyfriends before me, I had 2. She's 24 and I am 28. We have been dating for 6 months, and it's a serious relationship to both of us. Recently, she asked me how many girls I've slept with before her and we discussed honestly about our past... Here's what went wrong. I had 2 gf before her and slept with only 5 girls including her. On the other hand, she's had 7 sexual partners in her life, and has had oral sex with 15 guys before me. I was in shock... because that fact that she went down before sex is beyond me, because I always thought oral sex is a lot more intimate. Not only that, she always swallowed. I was furious inside (i didn't show it), and asked why would you swallow with those guys she was just dating and not in a relationship. Because I had to earn mine, my ex used to spit it out and only swallowed for me after 7 months into our relationship... Anyway, she said it was less messy and made the guy feel good. Now i feel so gross kissing her knowing that she swallowed with all these guys. Honestly, I am ok if she did it with her ex boyfriends... but I am pissed she went down for guys she was just dating a few times. How should I talk to her about my feeling and should I forgive her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): "Just wondering...if she lied, and told you she was with, say, 2 guys before you, would that have made any difference?"Yes, she could have just lied. So what? Telling the truth is not doing someone a special favor. Your partner has the right to EXPECT the truth from you. It doesn't earn you extra credit.
A
female
reader, justagirl0  +, writes (13 November 2012):
Just wondering...if she lied, and told you she was with, say, 2 guys before you, would that have made any difference? She was open, and honest with you. Don't make her feel bad. Besides, that was then and this is now. Live for the present not in the past. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (10 November 2012):
You are experiencing retroactive jealousy. Its more common than you think, and nothing to be ashamed of.As a someone who shares the affliction, my advice to you is to decide right now if this woman is worth it to you to go through what you will go through to stay. I am telling you it is a tremendously painful and long road, and even then there is no guarantee of success. If you are going to put yourself though that, make sure she is worth it. Otherwise, move on right now.What I did was I found someone who had a past I could accept, and since I did, I have been all the happier. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Your sexual values are incompatible with this girl's. Nothing more, nothing less. Every couple has some incompatibilities and this is one of yours.Either accept the situation or move on to another girl. There is no solution anywhere in between.
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A
female
reader, peteloevely  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 hey some women are more open minded than others, she obviously has a healthy appetite for sex and no many taboos!!! that is nothing to be ashamed off.. she is more likely to enjoy sex without the psychological dogma that comes with sex and being a woman or the worry about the perception you are portraying or using sing sex as a weapon – like how a man needs to work really hard to earn anything enjoyable in sex and the woman will upgrade her game depending on what you do for her outside the bedroom.
‘’all of those things merely set the woman out to be seen as a price to be earned.
in my opinion your girlfriend is out of that twisted mentality that using sex will earn you just what you want from a man and that a woman should save her tricks for the right guy, most women don’t enjoy sex for that reason, because it is just a game you have to play just right to get exactly what you want… uhg!
**** Is like giving a dog a treat when they do exactly what you want them to do.****
Your currant girlfriend has sex because she likes it, that sounds unheard off to you”” I see… but she is comfortable with it, have a good think about it, if you are not in the same place as her then you guys don’t belong together!
we are all different, you have being with women that will upgrade their sex appetite conveniently and if they are getting what they wanted for you, she does it because she wants to do it.
But we all have different perceptions, I personally find it weird how after 7 months of been with a woman suddenly she likes swallowing?... huh? Why didn’t she like it before? Suddenly because you guys are in a committed relationship she likes your sperm?... is she pulling her hair out over swallowing for you now your relationship is over?...
I understand that you see sex as a big display of privilege or you like sex to be something you have to work really hard to ear, but your currant girlfriend does not play to that tune, she sees sex as sex and probably just prefers sex with you better because she has FEELINGS for you!!!!!! Not because now you guys are exclusive she can swallow your cum?..
she is very well balance if you ask me, you should know that if you let her go she will find a guy that is just like she is very open and comfortable with their sexuality, honest enough to enjoy their single life with no remorse, a healthy view towards sex and understanding that sex is sex and does not always have to lead to getting a ring on your finger and happy with the experiment.
don’t make her feel ashamed for been who she is, you either get it or you don’t. you two have different moral fibre does not mean hers is better or yours is better, it is just different.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Can you make yourself be OK with this? It's not about forgiving her - that implies she wronged you, which she most certainly did not. Nothing she did is wrong. You need to find a way to accept the facts and move on.
You are probably in shock and still processing what you've learned. It's not an easy thing - our brains do funny things to us, especially guys, on this subject! It's very easy to develop an idealized version of someone we care about, and then feel shattered and disappointed if they don't live up to the fiction we created. But that's not really their fault, is it?
The fact remains that the person you love is exactly the same person now as she was before she told you this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Just because your ex didn't want to go down on you, or swallow your sperm, doesn't mean all women world wide are like your ex. If you had a bad sex life with your ex then that says something about her (and you). Your ex's sex habits are NOT universal you know. Not all women are like that. Your ex sounds like she didn't really like swallowing, while your current girlfriend thinks it is totally cool. Just because your ex made you "earn it", doesn't mean it is actually something a guy needs to "earn". To twist this around a bit, I was in a relationship once with a guy who I had a great sex life with. We did it often, we always made sure to please the other, and we both wanted each other just as much. Then, I entered a relationship with a man who never initiated, didn't really care for my pleasure during sex, had me go down on him all the time but barely ever returned the favour. Now.. had this been my first relationship I might have thought like you do about your ex: this is what sex is like. Men never initiate, I have to "earn" it, and him going down on me, well, that's like a special gift because it happens like 3 times a year. But since I had already been in a relationship where I knew this wasn't the "norm" of how sex should be, I knew he was just lazy, selfish, and not a good lover. So I moved on. Now, had your ex actually been a generous lover who loved pleasing you, swallowing if that is what made you happy, and went down on you often.. Well, your view of oral sex would have been very different. It might not be intimate or extra special at all. On other other hand, had your ex been stingy with kisses, never wanting to kiss you etc... Well then you'd go around thinking kisses were special and intimate. Although, it was just your ex who was weird that way. Oral sex might be more special and intimate to you, but it isn't to everyone. To many, including your current girlfriend, oral sex is less special, less intimate. I think your real problem isn't your current girlfriend, but your ex. Your ex brainwashed you into thinking you should have to "earn" love and affection/blowjobs and swallowing. I believe your real anger and resentment lies against your ex, and not your current girlfriend, because your current girlfriend has just opened your eyes to how selfish your ex was in bed.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2012):
 FORGIVE HER FOR WHAT? she did NOTHING wrong other than be totally honest with you and now you want to punish her?
I think you should leave her now and not punish her any further for being open sexually
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): whats her past is her business and not yours she didnt have to tell you but obviously she feels she trusts you enough to be open with you, everyone has a past, shes not judging you for sleeping with 5 womenall that should matter is what kind of person she is now and that she only has sex with you from now on, she has done nothing wrong and if you end it because of her past then you deffinately dont deserve her
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 There's nothing to forgive: she didn't do anything wrong. Yes you don't like it and it hurts, but it's not wrong. She doesn't owe you an apology.
Everyone has different boundaries. They mean a lot to us, but we can't assume they have the same meaning to others. You are not wrong, but neither is she. It's all relative.
You need to decide if you want to stay with her. If you do, then you have work to do to get past this. If you think this is a relationship ending issue then end it, but do it kindly. It's perfectly within your rights to leave her, but it's not within your rights to stay with her and hold this against her.
Here is a long discussion on the subject on this site:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
If you search the site for 'retroactive jealousy' you will find many more.
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