A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. My problem will probably seem trivial, but here it goes. I cannot deal with porn. At all. I used to be fine, but ended up in a bad relationship and he was also a true porn addict.Couldnt go more than an hour or so with out it, and on top of that it was a verbally abuisive relationship. Ive been in a great relationship now for 5 yrs. Weve had some ups and downs in the begining but are very happy. We are literally a few weeks from our small wedding, already have the marriage license. He rarely ever looks at porn, but he did a few weeks ago. He knows I have major issues with it. Ive tried so many times to let go and not care. It shouldnt be a big deal, but I take it so personally... it really stabs at me emotionally. I start to feel insecure and just extremely inadaquete. I realize its not his fault. But at the same time as much as I want to, I cannot live with it, even though we have a great relationship otherwise. I dont want to give up because of something so petty- esp because he rarely ever watches it it. I can already b feel myself withdrawing and pushing him away. I told him I just cannot do this and that Im sorry... that emotionally I just feel ruined. He just keeps saying how sorry he is, how much he loves me and its not something worth giving up the relationship for- but hes said that before and that he would stop. I dont deprive him of sex but right now Im 27weeks pregnant and sex has started hurting/becoming extremely uncomfortable due to how baby is sitting. It actually hurts after and stings terribly. I just dont know how to cope, but I dont think he will let me break up with him either. Im just so lost and any advice would be appreciated.
View related questions:
fiance, insecure, porn, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 March 2014):
 you don't have to marry trhe guy you know
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (7 March 2014):
 I don’t think you’re meant to “deal” or “cope” with porn nor accept it filtering into your relationship if porn affects your emotional wellbeing or values. It’s evident you have an aversion to porn (like so many others). Therefore, “it is a big deal!” Yet your fiancé knows this, but continues to make excuses, fake apologises and subject you to lack of pleasure, while you suffer pain “to satisfy his needs… no matter what.”
I can only say that this is not going to get better nor go away and if you go ahead and marry, you will have signed a licence for him to disrespect you further, pregnant or not. Fact is, it is his fault about betraying you with watching porn rarely or otherwise, and his choice when, where and how to honour, love, protect and cherish you!
It will be a grave mistake if you think this is not a big deal or just something petty, and that it will go away after the baby is born... When you’re recuperating after the birth, he’ll be watching porn again and the excuse will be; ‘he needs something more.’
I find this interesting, him saying; “…it’s not something worth giving up the relationship for”. Yet is he prepared to respect your wishes, go without porn and satisfy you? Meanwhile he’s just bluffing and this will continue to torture you inside, years down the road.
I can’t imagine a life long happy marriage with someone who thinks so little about the affects this has on you.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): You know it seems that porn is an issue for you in a different way than we usually get.
I wasn't going to answer this, because based on your question alone and not the follow up I was going to advise trying to get back to the place you were okay with it and see he's not the same guy as your ex, but that's not the real issue here at all.
The real issue here is he has demanded 100% control of your sexuality and worse than you actually accepting that is he's not even making any effort to please you. you finding porn then only really means he doesn't feel the need to give you the same respect.
OP your sex life is all about his needs and yours aren't included.
You've "learned" to cope without sexual satisfaction? With a man who doesn't even allow you to pleasure yourself?
I'm honestly fascinated by how you can justify that kind of situation to yourself. I can't for the life of me understand why you would accept that.
If I were you I'd see the porn thing as a means of getting out of that. I'd buy an amazing vibrator, 50 different speed and intensity settings, one that plays the American national anthem while you use it.
OP you don't have to live by rules he won't himself follow.
I'm not going to criticise you for allowing him total sexual domination, maybe that's your thing, maybe it's an agreement you like because you're a person who gets off on submission.
Regardless of whether that is the case or not, sorry doesn't cut it and you need to take back some of the sexual power in this relationship.
Time to get yourself a toy and begin pleasuring yourself again, time to learn to say no when you're in pain or not in the mood and time to take some of the sexual power back because he broke the rules, doesn't show you any respect so he loses his exclusive rights to your sexuality, you now get to please yourself too.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 March 2014):
Listen, I don't know how to say this gently, but pregnant women can sometimes (often) be a little bit crazy. This is my experience as well as many other guys I know.
So don't do anything rash here. You claim to have a great relationship, so don't throw it away while you're emotionally vulnerable, especially with the father of your child.
The problem is that he just doesn't think what he's doing is wrong. He knows it hurts you, but since he doesn't think it's wrong he believes "What you don't know can't hurt you".
I don't know how to solve this problem, but I can reassure you that his interest in porn has little to do with you. It's just a quick and easy orgasm (or just mental stimulation), no need to seduce, move around, sweat, etc.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 March 2014):
 I posted the answer before I got to read your added information. I would not want to teach a man new skills, but if he isn't willing to learn to please you then I would rethink the marriage also. Who says that a pregnant woman shouldn't receive oral sex? That's the time when you need it even more! So this question is not just about the residue pain carried over from the last relationship but also your overall satisfaction in the bedroom department.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 March 2014):
Every woman's body is different, some can have sex the day right before labor, while some just stay off sex for a while. Your fiancé wouldn't have proposed to you if he didn't find you attractive. Looking at porn is more of a release than looking for the next best thing. I know you already know that but your ex boyfriend did a number on you and it's easy to trigger your insecurity. Either your fiancé has to try to hide porn better or he has to use his imagination. I think you are staying in this marriage no matter what. The thing you could do is try to let go of the belief that you are not good enough. Do that for the sake of the unborn child as well, as it takes on your stress. You have 13 more weeks to go. You can just hope that sex resumes after your recovery.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): I should probably add that right now we have sex at least 3 times a week. And when I really cant have sex due to pain (mostly lower back/pelvic girdle pain) I give him a blow job and for the most part always try to finish him. I suppose Im not as motivated in that department anymore as I get nothing in return. But thats a different situation. In some ways I feel betrayed and unloved because I always try to satisfy his needs even when it physically hurts, is uncomfortable for me, no matter what... then he looks at porn and it just makes me feel awful. Especially when I have just learned to cope without sexual satisfaction ( he doesnt really warm me up and he never goes down on me-which I wouldnt expect while pregnant anyways) I try to satisfy his needs but he needs something more, it just hurts. I dont masturbate or use toys because he only wants me to be sexual with him. So Im sure that has something to do with it. And if we do end things I really dont know how to leave... Im a stay at home mom right now, so I would have to completely reestablish myself but I would still need maternity leave and am just worried I would not be able to find anything. I would also need to work the nightshift.
...............................
|
