A
female
age
30-35,
*qua23
writes:I was enjoying a healthy single life for years after a bad teenage relationship when I met this guy who swept me off my feet in as little as a couple months. It started as friendship where we talked all day long, only to turn into a fling very soon, which I initiated myself. This is considered abnormally promiscuous in my country but I believe I didn't think he was good enough for me despite being tall and handsome and all that, and I just wanted to have fun. What happened next took me by surprise, he turned out to be loving, caring and extremely sensitive, and he made the relationship we had seem way more than a fling. More like two people in love who haven't declared anything, have a great time and lots of laughs. When I fell in love with him, I knew I was the only person he cared about but nothing was official. He avoided that area at all times, saying he wasn't ready to be in a relationship because of a recent messy one, meanwhile showering me with so much affection that I wouldn't care what we were. But one fine day he went cold turkey on me. It seems he lied about how I made him feel. He started a similar relationship with another girl exactly when that happened and suddenly just kicked me out of the picture, changed completely without so much as a fight between us. This non-confrontational, cowardly goodbye made me miserable, and in my denial I dumped him several times, fought, cried. But he did nothing to explain anything. He kept lying. And when I finally left him he showed no sign of sorrow. I am heartbroken to see that a person who I got along with in every way dumped me in such a cruel and demeaning way. Did I have it coming? What should I do to move on? I stalk his Instagram to read his lovey dovey comments with the other girl, it's pathetic. I am so lonely it hurts. Help me please.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): Your subconscious is demanding a reason before it can release and detach from the guy. You have also convinced yourself he has one-upped you in the heart-break game. So you are now fixated on having him give you some closure, or you can't move on.
Closure is really the mind begging for an opportunity to plead a case in your defense. A chance to beg for another chance. People don't really settle for the truth once they hear it. They're in denial. They can't take no for an answer; and fear rejection. The human need to want most that which you can't have. Like a child denied candy.
News flash! You have no choice but to move on; because you see that he is no longer interested. You are wasting your time by obsessing on the issue. You must find something do to keep your mind preoccupied to distract yourself. Go to the gym, go on a short vacation, go visit with a distant relative. You need to get past your obsession with this guy.
Give your poor brain a rest. Have a long talk with your mother, or your grand-mother about it. They have experience and can help you through this. You need their love and care.
You're punishing yourself; because you think you need him to give you some long drawn-out explanation of what went wrong. Then you can plead a case to get him back. Resign yourself to the fact that it isn't going to happen.
He found somebody else.
There is your closure.
He enjoyed having sex with you, until he found someone he really cared about. Someone he didn't have to play games with. You played with his heart. So he showed you what you could have had, but took for granted. Now your ego is hurt.
You refuse to move on; because you prefer to be in the position of deciding who gets dumped.
Here's some advice that will get you started. Stop using some old relationship in your teens as your excuse. Those relationships when you were a kid in your teens don't count. You should have learned something to improve upon.
Not get stuck on.
Teenage relationships are mostly make-believe. You haven't matured enough to really know how to have a relationship. You don't have enough experience to make good choices. They are all trial interconnections formed between a couple of kids crushing on each other. It's more drama than reality at that stage in your life. Sometimes rebellious young people form ties with bad, abusive, or older people out of their league. That's when you can sustain some pretty heavy emotional trauma. That's tied to bad choices. Usually because of ignoring warnings from your parents, and trying to have your own way. Good-girls trying to tame bad-boys. They get burned in the process. It's a life-lesson.
Once you stop stalking him on Instagram, you will alleviate at-least 45% of your pain. The rest will subside as you go through the withdrawal stage; which comes with detaching from someone with whom you have formed an emotional bond.
It's like an addiction, so it takes time to break the habit.
You'll do yourself a huge favor by deleting him from your phone and other devices. Going 100% no contact. You are drawn by force of habit. You have to go cold-turkey and your mind will then go through the normal process of detachment. You can do it.
You are refusing to try; because you're holding out for some hope you could get him back.
You have to do that for yourself, or just stay miserable.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 March 2014):
 Block his Instangram, get of the computer. He was a DUD who knew how to play a girl. You tried to play him, but... YOU got played.
Next time, go WAY slower. Do not get intimate or lovey-dovey til you two are a COUPLE (if that is what you want).
I can see why you pride got hurt, but I think you misread the situation. A guy who LOVES a girl is going to want to DECLARE the love despite past bad break ups. He isn't going to hide you and he CERTAINLY isn't getting involved with another girl.
YOU fell in love with a fictional character, the real guy was not who you thought (or wanted) him to be.
Accept that and then move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (6 March 2014):
 There is nothing you can do but move on. If you don't let this episode go you will become bitter and unhappy. Don't contact him again, don't stalk him move on and try and keep busy. You will find peace and happiness. What you started as a game turned out to be a bad joke on you. Bitter pill to swallow, your pride is hut and you will heal just got let go and go through the grieving process.
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