A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am torn on what I should do. Here is some background information first. I am active duty military, my wife and I are both 24, we have been together for 8 years and married for 4. We don't have any kids and I am currently deployed. Recently my wife asked for a seperation to figure out what she wanted because she says that she is unhappy. About a week after she asked to be seperated she had sex with and slept over at our 40 year old landlords house. She felt guilty and told me. She said it happened more than once. Before this we had only ever had sex with eachother. She is hinting that she wants us to work out, but I don't know if I'll be able to get over that fact that she did what she did. If she does truly regret what she did during the separation she initiated should I consider trying to work it out? When we are together we are great, but the military has made it so I have been gone for over half of our marriage. She said she was lonely and felt alone and she said that he listened to her problems. She said it just happened. I knew that they were hanging out and I was fine with it because other than her my best friend is a female. She was always so against cheating that I never thought it would get to that point. I'm just looking for some advise on other peoples opinions of my situation. TIA.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): I agree with Youwish. She asked for a separation in order to do some cheating.
If she did not have other men in mind then she would have just asked for some time to herself and not taken the step of using the word "separation" with you. She was clearing the way for that affair whether she admits it now or not.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2014):
 First off, I would suggest you and your wife take a break from discussing this further til you get home. Being deployed means loads of stress and add these marriage issues, it makes it harder for you to decide what is right for you.
1. I would suggest she contacts MilitaryOneSource and find a counselor to talk to. She needs to get to the root why she decided it was "OK" for her to cheat (and cheat it was, even if you two had a wishy-washy agreement of separation.)
2. I suggest you two SET some ground rules for this "separation" Such as NO sex, no "sleep" over with opposite gender friends or acquaintances.
3. I agree with YouWish staying faithful while your husband is deployed is NOT that hard, and when it DOES get hard you reach out to family and friend who can support you - not male acquaintances with agendas. As that is speaking as a former military wife myself. My husband served for 26 year with several deployments. No cheating went on. My husband has been gone a LOT over the years - schools, training and deployments. I can't count how many birthdays, anniversaries and other things he missed out on over the years. Being on your own doesn't JUSTIFY cheating. You find things to do.
4. I think for her to ASK for "separation" WHILE you are gone was not about working on the marriage, but to for her to feel less guilt when she slept with someone else. It just didn't turn out as she had planned.
5. If being away from your spouse means you cheat by default, you would have cheated too, right? SHE is not the only one who is away from her partner. If she was that alone and miserable living near the post she could have gone home for a bit.
YOU need to figure out if this is something you, at SOME POINT in time, can forgive and move past (no one says it's easy or that it will happen fast, but it is possible). If you WANT to work on the marriage, then you should talk to your chaplain if you can get to see him and then set up some marriage counseling when you get back. My advice would be that for the first few months, while you two decide if that working on the marriage is what you want to do, that you two live apart, see if your command will let you stay in the barracks for a while. For both of your sake's.
Take your time to figure this out. And go talk to your chaplain.
I'm sorry you are even having to deal with this. Keep your head down, stay safe.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 March 2014):
 First of all, thank you for your service.
She may have come clean about sleeping with this guy, but she was not honest with you. She asked for a separation specifically to sleep with the guy. There was no working things out with you, and in my opinion, unless she moved out of your home (I'm guessing she didn't) or filed in court for a LEGAL separation, she cheated on you. I know opinions differ on here about separated spouses and new relationships, but I think she totally cheated, and given that your active duty status isn't changing any time soon, the conditions will still be there for her to cheat again.
She blamed it on loneliness, when it was really her wanting to sleep with the guy. She very well could have been lonely, but there are so many support groups for military wives out there, and the support of her family and friends are there too. You being deployed or a soldier isn't an excuse. It takes a special kind of person to be a military spouse, and you two married very young.
If you want to make it work, there has to be a lot of changes, and I don't know if you are able to do that with your deployed status. It really is your choice on this one, but if you decide to end it, end it legally, not just through words.
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