A
female
age
51-59,
*atfink
writes:Ok, deep breath, here we go. I'm in a lot of pain at the moment and don't know where to turn so I hope someone out there can help me.I've been married for nine months. Three years ago when we were due to move in together I found out that he'd been using his ebay account to buy Porn, I was mortified, we rowed and he swore he was buying it to sell and that he didn't look at it and that was all there was. Not happy with this I decided to check everything he had on the computer and found there was a lot more on other accounts and that he's been looking up stripping sites. We fought again, it nearly finished us, mainly because he'd lied to me and been deceitful. However, I forgave him and we moved on and got married. He swore to me that he would never do anything like this again.Four days ago I tried to log onto my PC but there was a problem with my account so I logged onto his account (huge amount of faith for me to allow him his own account but I wanted to show him I was able to trust him. What I found left me in tears. Porn, lots of it, some of it quite violent. His browsing history showed hours and hours and hours of porn surfing, adult dating sites, live cam chat sites, strip club and lap dance club sites with addresses that are local to our home. The PC also remembered two e-mail addresses he's typed in that I was unaware he had. I went absolutely mental. He admitted to using the PC to look for porn (could hardly deny it could he), admitted that he did it when I was at work (I work shifts so he's often home alone). I've recently been promoted and really needed his support. Over my first night shift I was coming home to mess and dishes. He admitted that instead of tidying up he was looking at porn and then lying to me about having an early night. He swore blind he hadn't used the cam sites as you have to pay for them so I demanded to see his bank statement (he's not got a good history of being honest really has he) and this was the biggest revalation.I saw large sums of money going to a pay as you go phone. I asked where it was and it was hidden in his wardrobe which is next to the PC. I demanded to know what he was using it for and he made up some rubbish not even worth repeating and I didn't believe him, I said I though he was using it to call sex lines and he denied it saying he wouldn't do that. The following day I asked him again several times and finally he confessed to using them twice a month, basically as soon as I was out of the door for a late shift leaving him at home alone. He's spent a lot of money on them and then had the cheek to ask me if he could reduce payments to out joint account as he was hard up.I'm devastated. Yesterday I broke down at work and had to be driven to a friend's house and stayed the night as I couldn't face him. I got massively drunk and told my friend everything and she was shocked. She thinks a lot of my husband and couldn't believe he was doing this to me. He picked me up from there this morning and we've managed to talk without me yelling and screaming and he's admitted that he's been using the sex lines for a year which means he was doing it while I was planning our wedding and while we were newly weds. God. Gutted.Our sex life, which has never been great, has gone really downhill of late. I't been about a month since we had sex, he's always tired (or so he says) and never fancies it if I initiate it, we only do it when he feels like it and I'm lucky if that's once a week. Is this because he's getting satisfation elsewhere?I can't tell you how awful I feel. I've only had a few hours of alcohol fuelled sleep since then, I feel strung out, emotional and massively massively betrayed. How could he do this to me? I don't know the way forward now. I feel like every time he picks that phone up to call another woman to have phone sex, that he's cheated on me. He does not believe that to be cheating but I do, I don't know if anyone else does. It's such an intimate thing to do with another person, it should only be me but he won't talk dirty to me .... just them.Advice please. Has anyone experienced this? Can our marriage survive this? Can I forgive him? I doubt I'll ever EVER trust him again and I don't know what else he's been up to especially if he can hide the phone thing from me for a year. Even if we recover I don't think I will. I have low confidence anyway and he's never been good with compliments, not I feel like the least attractive thing to walk the earth as I obviously don't 'do it' for the one man who I should 'do it' for most.Sorry for such a long post, any replies would be appreciated.Oh, and he denies going to the strip and lap dance clubs ........ should I believe him?
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female
reader, batfink +, writes (6 August 2009):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was going to delete this thread today as my therapist states that keeping going back through this is me tortu
rting myself. What she doesn't realise is how helpful this has all been to me. I'm a year and a half on from us splitting and it still hurts but not as much as it did. I'm still single as I'm not able to trust anyone. I'm not going to delete this as I still feel it's valuable to me.
I would like to thank everyone who made comments on my post. Life has not been easy but knowing I have the support of people on Cupid does make it somewhat easier xx
A
male
reader, OneTimePoster  +, writes (10 June 2009):
Batfink,
Your hubby definitely has a porn addiction. As with other vices, SOME indulgence can be good, but he has clearly gone overboard and needs help for it. You have done all you can, but he is still in denial. Again, as with all other addictions, if the person is unwilling to get help after an intervention, you must cut your losses by ending the relationship and move on.
Case in point: I like porn too. When my wife first asked me about it before we got married, I told her I like porn, I look at porn, and I'm not going to stop looking at it just because it bothers her. As long as 1) having sex with her is more important to me than the porn (I only do it when she denies me), and 2) it doesn't cause other problems in my life and our marriage (like spending the rent money on memberships), then it is healthy and harmless. I wish she liked it too, so that we could watch it together, but she doesn't. Therefore I just respect her wishes by not doing it around her. She has accepted that answer, so it has not become a problem in our marriage. I am actually very grateful that I have a wife that doesn't place undue energy in trying to get me to stop doing something that I know I will never stop doing, while at the same time I am conscious about respecting her feelings. This is an example of the meaning of "give and take" in a marriage.
In your situation, I think you have been more than reasonable, as far as trying to come up with a compromise. You even offered to participate with him! I personally think he is stupid for not taking you up on that. For this reason, I feel your husband has clearly gone far over and beyond what a reasonable person would consider acceptable, and I think you are well within your rights to end the marriage at this point. You deserve better than what you are getting, and you have done the best you can by at least trying to work it out first. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Thank you ms anonymous, I will take your comments on board. Have a nice xmas too....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Hello Batfink,
Thank you very much for coming back and updating your post. Of course it was hard to forget you, especially after the mistakes that I made. (blush)
You sound so wonderfully positive, very different from your writings months ago. I'm glad your are healing and moving on, and realizing that problem is his and nothing to do with you. Yes trust will be hard to regain, and there may be difficulties going into a new relationship. But somehow I think you'll find it easier than you think. As I said, you sound so different, your healing and your healing quickly, and that is a very good thing. As you said, it wasn't a question of love, I'm sure he loved you, but this sex thing was a sickness, something he'll have to deal with eventually. I would hate to be him, he knows what he has done, and I'm sure that he regrets it and is suffering right now. Men like to appear as if they don't care, but it would be a very strange man who didn't care that their marriage was over and all they have is some fantasy porn.
Keep doing your thing babes and stay strong. Hold your head high, you did the best in your marriage, and knowing this will help you to move on. This guy and you didn't work out, but that was due to his deep problems and little to do with you. Your young, your still learning, and healing very fast. It's only been 6 months since you first came here, and so much has changed. Thanks for telling us how your getting on, I wish you lots of happiness and success for the new coming year. Merry Xmas, Blessings and good luck. Take care of you ....
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A
female
reader, batfink +, writes (11 December 2008):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, just a quick update on my situation. My husband has never taken responsability for his actions and is telling his family that we split cos he was watching porn!!! Naturally they think I'm the devil incarnate fpr throwing my marriage away over something so trivial!
As it stands I am going through divorce proceedings. He never attempted to save the marriage which hurts like hell and seems to have made the whole process as difficult as possible, though admittedly I haven't exactly been all peaches and cream either. It seems he walked away without a backward glance!
I am now receiving counselling and the counsellor is very good. She says this kind of thing is quite common with men who have disparate views of women ... one as whores and one as those to be cherished, and that these two can't be reconciled easily. This has helped enormously and I am well on the way to recovery although I'm not entirely there yet. I understand that my husband did truely love me in his way but that he had this other side of him which prevented him from functioning properly in a normal healthy relationship.
I believe that men with this problem can be helped now, as long as they want to be helped. Mine didn't but that doesn't mean that others can't be helped and that relationships with this problem are beyond redemption.
The healing process feels good. And who knows, with time, I may beable to have a good healthy relationship, with someone who loves me and who can be totally open and honest with me.
Fingers crossed xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): Divionlestat, you have a strange way of apologizing. When the pain is as big as Batfink describes, then that is the main issue, not his feelings. IF and WHEN he agrees to get help, then they can work on whatever other issues the marriage has. You imply that her attitudes are part of the problem. She's in too much pain for her "attitude" to be otherwise. Stop beating people when they're down. Maybe Batfink isn't perfect, who is? That's not the point. Right now, her private hell is the point, and she needs support to get out of it
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A
female
reader, hearache  +, writes (18 October 2008):
I was in tears when I read your story... all I have to say is, I'm so sorry. It breaks my heart knowing what some women have to face.
I have to start by commending your strength and courage. It takes a big person to endure what you've endured. And as some of the readers have suggested, you need to take care of you; only then will you be able to make a balanced and rational decision about what to do next. May I suggest you first see a therapist? They really help by giving you tips on how to to feel grounded when you feel like you have no control; sometimes talking to someone who will not pass judgement can do wonders. After you've taken care of you, you may want to address the issues with your husband, or you may want to leave him; but until you don't take care of you, the best decision simply will not come to you.
My thoughts on the excessive porno/cyber sex/phone sex/strip clubs, etc, are as follows. Some people are okay with that,and some aren't. I don't know why our views can differ so much, or how it is that some women are completely unaffected by any of these things, but what I can tell you is that if it's not okay with you, then it's not okay for it to be a part of your relationship with your husband. If you feel betrayed and rejected, then the behaviour has to change, for your sake and for the sake of the relationship, via therapy, couples counselling, or whatever. The fact that he does not think this is cheating is irrelevant because you do and he should care about how it makes you feel. He knows how it makes you feel, and obviously doesn't want to hurt you because he leis to you about it, but lying about it (and here I am talking from experience) or keeping it a secret can actually hurt the relationship more than the actual voyeurism. It's the betrayal, and the lies, and the secrets that are actually breaking down the walls of trust between you and your partner, and unless he's willing to be completely honest, finally, then no amount of counselling and talking will help. He needs to want to, and only you can know whether he's telling you the truth and whether he genuinely wants to make the situation better between you two.
The little that I do know on the subject has led me to the following conclusions. Anyone with any feedback, please let me know what you think:
1) Men view porn because it's very easy. Sometimes men (and especially if they have performance issues) would rather use porn because they don't want to put in the vast amount of time and effort that it takes to please their partners; because at the end of the day, they're afraid that they will utterly fail (and we all know this is especially true of men who use porn - their sex drive just seems so low! )
2) This point is an extension of the first point, but I think merits an elaboration. Watching a lot of porn may cause some men to feel insecure. Could they possibly please their partners in the same way? Could they make her scream and sweat and lose control? Probably not. They are just too afraid to put in the time (or too busy doing other things, like working too much, and so forth).
3) The world of porn is a fantasy. Most people are intelligent enough to realize that. But subconsciously they can't make that distinction. This is why the culture of porn is intricately woven with people's deepest insecurities; after all, when we attempt to fulfill a fantasy (ie. an impossible goal, or a dream), we are basically setting ourselves up for failure. This is why we keep the fantasy a fantasy. It's much easier to handle, and we never have to face the possibility of failure.
My advice on anyone who is suffering from porn in their lives is this: take care of yourself first, and then take care of the problem. Do so with an open heart because ultimately your partner might also be the victim. Be compassionate, but above all, love yourself enough to do the right thing for you; otherwise you won't be able to help anyone else.
My thoughts are with all of you who are struggling.
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A
female
reader, hearache +, writes (18 October 2008):
I was in tears when I read your story... all I have to say is, I'm so sorry. It breaks my heart knowing what some women have to face.
I have to start by commending your strength and courage. It takes a big person to endure what you've endured. And as some of the readers have suggested, you need to take care of you; only then will you be able to make a balanced and rational decision about what to do next. May I suggest you first see a therapist? They really help by giving you tips on how to to feel grounded when you feel like you have no control; sometimes talking to someone who will not pass judgement can do wonders. After you've taken care of you, you may want to address the issues with your husband, or you may want to leave him; but until you don't take care of you, the best decision simply will not come to you.
My thoughts on the excessive porno/cyber sex/phone sex/strip clubs, etc, are as follows. Some people are okay with that,and some aren't. I don't know why our views can differ so much, or how it is that some women are completely unaffected by any of these things, but what I can tell you is that if it's not okay with you, then it's not okay for it to be a part of your relationship with your husband. If you feel betrayed and rejected, then the behaviour has to change, for your sake and for the sake of the relationship, via therapy, couples counselling, or whatever. The fact that he does not think this is cheating is irrelevant because you do and he should care about how it makes you feel. He knows how it makes you feel, and obviously doesn't want to hurt you because he leis to you about it, but lying about it (and here I am talking from experience) or keeping it a secret can actually hurt the relationship more than the actual voyeurism. It's the betrayal, and the lies, and the secrets that are actually breaking down the walls of trust between you and your partner, and unless he's willing to be completely honest, finally, then no amount of counselling and talking will help. He needs to want to, and only you can know whether he's telling you the truth and whether he genuinely wants to make the situation better between you two.
The little that I do know on the subject has led me to the following conclusions. Anyone with any feedback, please let me know what you think:
1) Men view porn because it's very easy. Sometimes men (and especially if they have performance issues) would rather use porn because they don't want to put in the vast amount of time and effort that it takes to please their partners; because at the end of the day, they're afraid that they will utterly fail (and we all know this is especially true of men who use porn - their sex drive just seems so low! )
2) This point is an extension of the first point, but I think merits an elaboration. Watching a lot of porn may cause some men to feel insecure. Could they possibly please their partners in the same way? Could they make her scream and sweat and lose control? Probably not. They are just too afraid to put in the time (or too busy doing other things, like working too much, and so forth).
3) The world of porn is a fantasy. Most people are intelligent enough to realize that. But subconsciously they can't make that distinction. This is why the culture of porn is intricately woven with people's deepest insecurities; after all, when we attempt to fulfill a fantasy (ie. an impossible goal, or a dream), we are basically setting ourselves up for failure. This is why we keep the fantasy a fantasy. It's much easier to handle, and we never have to face the possibility of failure.
My advice on anyone who is suffering from porn in their lives is this: take care of yourself first, and then take care of the problem. Do so with an open heart because ultimately your partner might also be the victim. Be compassionate, but above all, love yourself enough to do the right thing for you; otherwise you won't be able to help anyone else.
My thoughts are with all of you who are struggling.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 You're well rid of him. Good luck with your life. Without him weighing you down and sucking your blood, things can only get better!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): PS: You also mentioned that the sex was bad, and he had tried to order Viagra. I bet he also has sexual difficulties as well as an addiction to porn. He needs to sort himself out, this is a very serious case... But it's his problem, not yours anymore... Blessings
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): Dearly Batfink,
Please let me firstly express my admiration for you, you have been very kind to me, more kind to me than I have been to you. I was afraid you wouldn't except my apology, and would not understand my words, or the spirit in which they were given. Thank you for your update and your reply, that was more than kind, that was compassionate, for a woman who is totally right (you) to one who is wrong (me).
I owe you another apology, now I've been told the rest of the story, I must apologize again. Your partner has a definite problem with pornography and it has spilled out of respectable limits and entered into "adultery" in my eyes.
Pornography for me is the video's and magazines, as I said a little "me" time for people that like it as entertainment. I now I understand that you are not totally anti-porn, and realise you are a intelligent, sensible and patient woman, who has done everything and more to keep her marriage going.
Please, please, please.... Always look at your latest answer. There it is in black and white, your marriage failed because your partner seems to have a "sickness" in his relationship to sex. And yes, now you've explained it all, and the amount of money that has disappeared into the sex industry, yes, this one definitely has a "Sex addiction" and you were very right to start proceedings for a divorce.
I was totally wrong, you defended your corner, cause any fool could see (except me..Blush!!) that this man is addicted to pornography and goes too far.. He has shown you little respect, but he can't help it, he is bloody sick, and if it wasn't porn, then he would be addicted to something else. Addiction is addiction, you can't help him if he even refuses to acknowledge a problem, it takes all his money, his time and has cost him his wife. Sorry, now I can understand how great was my offence..
"The dating sites, web cam sites, chat sites and even advertising himself online I have massive problems with."
Me too babes, that's bloody going into adultery, and yes I believe that eventually he would have met someone to have sex with them, but chatting sex talk and webcam's to strangers is too far, it's disrespectful and humiliating..
But let's forget about him, he's got his porn addiction to keep him happy. You were right to try to get a divorce, his spending habits would ruin your life and the things you are working for. He was draining you, but you must realise that it is you, not him. Once he's gone, you must start dating again, you must have fun and become the woman you were before you met him. You know how to treat a man and make them happy in and out of bed. You have tons of ideas on how to make sex and marriage fun, and with the right guy at your side, well honeypie the world is yours.
Keep reading and re-reading your story, and listen to the other aunts and uncles. This is indeed a porn addiction, and he has refused to change, so you have divorced him to keep your sanity and your dreams and goals safe. If you had stayed with him, you would NOT have the life that you want to create for yourself. You got out as quick as you could, 9months you tried, you made a mistake and now you've gotten out. Never, ever forget, he's the one in the wrong. I asked you my questions from a pro-porn, pro-man point of view, and you could answer with confidence, that your husband is sick and has very serious issues...
Thank you again Ms Batfink, you should be very proud of yourself, cause I would. Many women would stay in this situation, they would try to keep the marriage together and become less happy and more hurt everyday. This guy is poison, and you've cut him out because he was ruining your life. Remember you are a very special and kind, understanding person, in time you will heal, and be ready to trust a nice, normal guy.
Take care of yourself always, and again accept my apologies and my deep respect for the way you have acted in your relationship and married life.. It will get better, I promise you that... So start smiling again, I would if I was you. You will have a beautiful future now you are finished with the sad sick man.. :^)
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A
female
reader, batfink +, writes (4 October 2008):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDiovan, I appreciate the apology. The situation is still painful for me!
This has always gone on in our relationship unfortunately, even at the beginning he was telling lies and hiding stuff. He was never good with the sex issue and, believe me, I was always an understanding partner and always tried to get him, and us, to get help for our problems but he never would. I have a very healthy sexual appetite, always have and I found it very hard to adjust to a man who would avoid even kissing me because he thought that I might expect sex!
I would have done anything to save our relationship and when I mentioned the trust thing you have to understand that he moved into my home and was using my computer and I allowed him the privacy of his own account so that he didn't feel that I was checking up on him. The previous lies were all still very current at this point. He had all my passwords too and I didn't have any other accounts or networking sites apart from the ones he knew about. I was totally open and honest with him and I knew that I had nothing to hide by him having my passwords etc. He would find nothing that would worry him.
There are other issues that I didn't go onto in my original post such as me catching him buying viagra while I was away on a 3 month training course and him advertising himself online as a male from [our area] looking to have sex online. I know you feel sorry for him but I was the one going through the stress of studying for exams and I'm the one who works shifts so I'm home alone every bit as much as he is. I never resorted to these measures even when I was feeling alone myself and desperate for attention. He also knew if he lied to me like that again i would never forgive him and would never be able to trust him again.
He never really stopped his behaviour but merely hid it better, knowing I had given him the benefit of my complete trust. The reason this went on unnoticed for 3 yrs is because I didn't check up on him, never questioned his finances even when he was always hard up despite earning more than me. I always believed his explanations for his lack of time and money to put into our relationship, hence all this coming as a massive shock and me finding it hard to cope at the time of my post.
I tried so many things to spice up our sex and romantic life. Romantic candle lit meals at home just left him tired. Romantic meals out also left him tired. Running a bath together often worked but then he often couldn't be bothered to get in the bath and would rather watch TV. If I came on to him he was never in the mood. I tried sexy chat with him on the phone and make promises of naughty stuff when he got home and he would invariably walk in the door and immediately state he was knackered or had a headache and i knew it was his way of avoiding sex with me. Needless to say all of these efforts were made by me, not him.
When all this came to light he left and refused to speak to me for over two weeks. All my friends and colleagues were stunned that he could do that. He did not fight for me and continued to tell lies even when we were able to have calm conversations. The time apart made me realise how miserable he had made me, how much he had taken me for granted and how little I got back from all I put in to our relationship.
Porn i have no problem with. The dating sites, web cam sites, chat sites and even advertising himself online I have massive problems with. Especially as he was only looking up local women on these sites and I felt in my heart of hearts that eventually he would stray. Had these women been miles away from our home I would have felt more comfortable but it felt more like a preamble to cheating for me to ignore.
I spent some time working the same hours he did to help get things sorted out. As soon as I went back to shifts he spent over £250 on the sex industry, some of which he refuses to account for. It was almost as if he couldn't wait to get me out of the house and glutted himself. His car was photographed parking illegally and caught speeding in areas he can't account for often late at night when I was on night duty or during the weekend while I was out working. The unpaid demands came to my home after he moved out and i was terrified the bailiffs would come and take our stuff.
I was supporting him in the end as he was so skint. The man even took out a loan with my house as security without even asking or consulting me before we got married and lied about taking out a pension and life insurance so i could feel more secure. Even after we split he used our joint account which he owed money to, to pay for his travel and petrol. He didn't even buy me a valentines day card or present on our first one together claiming poverty when he had spent £90 on sex lines alone the month before. This showed me where his priorities lay and they were not with me.
We have now been seperated for over 6 months and I filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour last week. Some may see this as a bit extreme but I tried so hard to make him face our problems, offered him another chance if we could get counselling and he refused. I can see no benefit in continuing with such a destructive relationship. All my efforts to sort things out have met with a brick wall. He does not see endless hours of porn browsing, sex chat and spending hundreds in lapdancing clubs as a problem. He would rather us cut back on expenditure for us then curtail his own spending habits and then take money from my pocket when his habits left him broke.
I am much happier now on my own. Yeah, I have no sex life now but at least I no longer have to run around after a lazy selfish and neglectful man who my family felt was taking me for a ride. Hopefully now I can get over this and meet a man who deserves my love and trust.
And yeah, I am prone to watching the occasional bit of pron but I avoid the old dating sites like the plague!!
And to tell you how selfish this man was; a story that leaves my friends and family in shock! We were walking to work together when I had a massive asthma attack, realising I had left my pump in the house I asked him to go back for me as i could barely breathe. He refused as returning to the house would make him late for work and walked off leaving me so that he could get to the station. I could not even make the journey home I was so ill and luckily make it to a bus shelter after he left so i could control my breathing. He did not even call to check I was ok. That gives you the measure of the man!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): And you, how much happiness do you get in this marriage.. leaving aside the porn issue. There is definitely a lack of trust, and without trust you can't feel secure even though you and him are married, and you both vowed to stay together until the day you die..
"I't been about a month since we had sex, he's always tired (or so he says) and never fancies it if I initiate it, we only do it when he feels like it and I'm lucky if that's once a week"
There's such a great distance between you both, and rather than get closer together, you seem to be pushing each other farther away. Your right when you say you should get the sexy phone calls, you should also be able to make them to him.
"It's such an intimate thing to do with another person, it should only be me but he won't talk dirty to me .... just them."
Intimacy, trust, seems to be lacking in your marriage, and that is a greater danger than his so called "addiction to porn".. Your right when you say he's replacing this intimacy with porn instead, but the question should be why, why would he need to, and how do you solve it and draw you two close again...
Planning a wedding can't be easy, and I noticed you say that you planned it, rather than we. Wedding planning takes a lot of time, leaves a guy with plenty of time on his hands. You both works shifts, that probably leaves little time for you both to be together at home. You've had a promotion and need support, times like this can be stressful for everyone, especially you.
I agree, I would find sexy talking and dating lines hurtful too. That's more intimate than video's and magazines, and is approaching unfaithfulness in my eyes as well. That is hurtful and things have gone overboard, but I think your marriage has a real chance to heal, if you can both take one step closer and talk about the real issues that porn raises...
"I have low confidence anyway and he's never been good with compliments, not I feel like the least attractive thing to walk the earth as I obviously don't 'do it' for the one man who I should 'do it' for most."
I'm sad that you feel like that, and I have a feeling that he may feel the same. The things I've picked out are the things you need to concentrate on. Tell him how you feel when he rejects you, concentrate on your bad sex life. Find special times to be together, start talking sexy to him on the phone. There is no reason to introduce porn into your bedroom if you don't like it, but I would suggest that he joins you in helping improve your sex life. Point out if he's masturbating all the time he won't be able to have sex with you. You want compliments then give them to him. In marriage we have a tendency to only concentrate on the bad things, but what about the good, there must be some for you want to stay with him after the "lies" that he has told.
Rather than screaming and shouting and watching him all the time, take it slowly and start to introduce special times such as a porn free week. Start to replace porn with quality time and good love making, and this should help the situation greatly. Try to find some time off from the stress of work to simply be alone and talk. Wedding, marriage and promotion.. where's the time for just you and him.... Sounds like you've both been under stress and your lives have changed greatly.
As I said, my apologise have been given. My anger is was about the emphasis on porn, when I think that there are other issues in your marriage that need to be resolved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Dear Batfink,
You know what, you are perfectly right. My post was totally out of order, and at the time, I must have been having a bad day. Anyway, please accept my apologises. I will of course, join you and ask to have that post removed.
I guess the problem I had with your whole post is that your partner has no privacy. I was probably thinking about my own situation, I would go insane, if I could not have a little space of my own and if someone was always checking up on me. I value my privacy and independence, and even in an 18year relationship, I was given and gave back that.
Your partner was using porn before you ever met him, he had it in his home before you moved in. Now you and him are married he is not allowed to have privacy on his account, you access all his private passwords, you have the right to look at anything he dose, all in the name of checking for porn.
"The PC also remembered two e-mail addresses he's typed in that I was unaware he had."
"huge amount of faith for me to allow him his own account but I wanted to show him I was able to trust him"
Unfortunately for me this brings back images of Soviet Russia and Nazi Germany, where nothing private was allowed, and somebody had rights to control everything you think, look at, or do. Nobody has ever demand rights over my emails, my mail, my reading matter or what I do with my time, not even my mother when I lived at home. This would be a jail sentence for me. Your not treating your husband like a grown man, your treating him like a child. No government, no police has the amount of control over this mans life as you do. For you this is normal, but for me, this is very, very scary.
"He admitted to using the PC to look for porn (could hardly deny it could he), admitted that he did it when I was at work (I work shifts so he's often home alone)"
I also felt sorry for your guy. You have a promotion, he is left at home alone, lonely and horny. He doesn't find a new girlfriend, he doesn't cheat on you, no he sits there looking at a computer screen, masturbating and probably missing you. Again I felt sorry for him. His life sounds very lonely.
Then on to your sex life.. that doesn't sound fun either..
"Our sex life, which has never been great, has gone really downhill of late"... I'm not sure what caused that, whether it's up to you or it's him or it's a combination of the two of you.... Again, you've been married for 9months, not very long, you two should still be in the honeymoon phase... I guess I empathised with him a lot, not much of fun and games for anyone this marriage that you two have.
"First of all, don't listen to diovan lestat. she obviously hasn't had a relationship in a while or her man doesn't respect her" Ms anonymous...
Nope your wrong.. The reason why I get so angry about the porn issue, is because I do get a lot of respect from guys, they call me things like goddess and princess and I managed to keep a relationship happy and successful for 18years...
There are things that hurt me about the way you've been treated Batfink, and probably I should have emphasized them as well. Nobody likes to come home to a messy house, nobody likes to be lied to, and I would hate to be a woman whose husband is avoiding having sex. I like to deal in solutions, if my partner is unhappy, avoiding me or avoiding sex, I want to know so I can change things and make him and myself happy again.
Marriage guidance is really your best option, marriages are about honesty and communication, happiness and sharing time together and having fun. They shouldn't be about lack of privacy, being alone and staying home to wash up the plates.
You may see porn as the main problem, but it's only one small symptom of all the things that are going wrong in your marriage. I can't see you changing your views on pornography and I don't see you giving your guy space to tell you how he really feels and what he really wants.
I don't think he has a porn addiction, but I do think he is a very lonely man. Try marriage counselling, try to meet him half way, find out what he actually feels about things, take time off from work and try to put some emphasis on him maybe for a change.... Even his bank statements are not private, poor man, you have access and rights over every part of his life...I'm assuming he works, I'm assuming that he dose earn a wage. I'm assuming that part of his wage is his to spend as he wants?
I've noticed your very sure that you are perfectly right in all of what you say, and it's only your feelings that matter here. Other points of view that might allow you to look at how your partner is feeling are dismissed and pushed aside. I think that's why I got angry, and why I think that you may find it difficult to engage with counselling and take on board that he has feelings and rights too...
Marriage counselling, or divorce... I don't see without help for the both of you, his love of porn will change. Porn is a symptom of a deeply unhappy and lonely guy. But I doubt you will see it from that angle. So I suggest you ask to have this message deleted as well..
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reader, batfink +, writes (2 October 2008):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Devon for your needlessly insulting post. I have no problems with porn. What I do have a problem with is the lies and deceit I have faced for the last four years with this man. I DID try to introduce porn into the bedroom to improve our sex life but he said he didn't like it. Seems like it was a little part of his life he didn't want to share with me. How dare you call me uptight and strange and suggest that I am needy and need to see a doctor about my mental problems. I have voted to remove your post and I suggest others do the same. If you want to be an agony aunt then learn not to insult those you claim to be 'helping'. Perhaps it is you that needs to grow up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): First of all, don't listen to diovan lestat. she obviously hasn't had a relationship in a while or her man doesn't respect her. I really feel for you on this one. my man is addicted to porn but not to that severity. It really sounds like he has some sort of issue. and if these are the things he is doing now then chances are he has been doing it since before you met him, so don't blame yourself. also, he needs to learn how to respect women especially you. he is only using women as sex objects and is lying to you about it and that isn't right. anyone who has a relationship can tell you that. and yes, porn is a growing industry but that's because of men. women who are in porn are likely to have some insecurity issue because of the way a man or men treat them or have treated them and this is the only way for them to feel like someone wants to look at them. and men fuel it by looking. i read somewhere that other than financial issues and infidelity, the over use of porn is one of the biggest reasons couples separate. it's obviously not just you. and yes porn is ok to an extent, but in your situation it's not. i honestly don't believe that men should spend money to look at someone other than their wife. if you don't like the way your wife looks then why get married and even try to have a sexual relationship. and at that, what do pictures or movies do for men? do they tell them that they are cared about or loved? do they help them through difficult decisions or problems? no, they just take your money and for what? so they can see tits and ass. wow, i guess their wives don't have tits and ass except it's legal to grab them. a lot of men really need to grow up. and yes people say that people like us should grow up because we don't except that it's ok to constantly look at someone else, but when you think about it, what type of person is most likely to try to sneak around and hide things? children. what type of person would go to the extent to disrespecting and hurting someone to do what they want to do? children. what type of person would lie about doing things they know someone else wouldn't like? children. do you see my point. if he doesn't change or try to make an effort, i say treat him like the child he is. you are obviously the adult in this relationship by trying to find a solution to your problems. if you make most of the money then take his privilages away. take away his privacy. if he can't do the correct thing and stop all of this on his own then he doesn't deserve privacy, especially if he lies all the time. and if he is using your money to fuel his bad habit then don't give him any money. cancel the internet on the computer or put child locks on it and keep the password to yourself. and if he throws a temper tantrum about it, then it just proves how much of a child he is. and if he is gonna act like a child then he should be treated as such. i'm not saying you should demine him, give him a chance. but if there is no improvement at all, then this is what you might have to do. just consider this option. it's not for everyone
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): Batfink, sorry babes you are probably over your problem now, but it has risen again, so I will put in my two pence worth of advice for you either take and find happiness or ignore and make yourself insane...
You present as aged 30-35, and currently living in the UK. Where have you been for these last years, have you been abroad and missed the sexual revolution at home. Don't you watch TV, don't you read newspapers. If you are living in the UK, you should know that the sexual industry is now part of the mainstream. Haven't you heard of the Chippendale's, have you missed seeing the boobs on the page three girl in our most popular newspaper. Don't you read women's magazines that advise all couples to bring porn into the bedroom to make things exciting. Haven't you seen our plays in the west-end.. 1970's had roman orgies, the last play I saw was about a man who was fucking a goat. We live in the 21st century babe, we dumped Victorian times a long time ago. Your friend wasn't surprised by your partner, she was surprised and laughing at your ignorance and surprise. Sexual health, openness and inventiveness in bed, is what the doctors, the church and the government recommend.. Your partner looks at porn, well if he didn't you would be worried that he was gay. That's the way things are in Europe. Haven't you ever watched Eurotrash or Badly dubbed porn.. Don't you know who Katie Price is, the famous Jordan and her big tits...
You better relax on the porn issue, your the one who sounds uptight and strange.... You can't cope with his porn habit, go find yourself a religious Muslim or christian guy who wants to be a priest. Other than that, you need to realise we live in Britain, and good sexual health is something that is promoted over here. For goodness sake, even my priest has statues of naked nuns and loves the odd sexy song. Grow up and get over your insecurities, a man that looks a porn is normal, but a woman who has problems with it is insecure,needy and should seek a doctor to get help with her mental problems.
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reader, BigSis +, writes (19 September 2008):
 Oh dear Hollee...looks to me like you have some kind of obsession with calling any guy who looks at porn 'A sex Addict'.
That's seven posts in a row you have just put through... saying the same.
I bet a number of Uncles on this site look at porn, would that make them sex addicts too?
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reader, HOLLEE Price +, writes (19 September 2008):
sex addicts care about themselves and are very mechanical. they go on that site to shop....and there are plenty of takers.......i have just found out more about this then i ever wanted to know
follow your gut...trust yourself........
confront him.......tell him to go to a SA meeting.....protect yourself......this hurts like hell
to wake up one day and and really wake up....to know your life was a lie!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): Thing is my husband won't get help. he recognises tht he had a problem that got out of control but claims he could 'stop at any time' the fact that he promised to stop before and hasn't and that I'm finding out more and more as time goes on proves that this goes a lot deeper than just viewing porn and using sex lines. i continue to be devastated at his behaviour and he continues to tell me lies and half truths. He knows that until he's completely honest with me and admits he has a problem that there is nothing we can do to save the mariiage. His response? To move out, turn off his phone and only speak to me to resolve issues surrounding our separation. It proves once and for all how little i meant to him and continue to mean to him.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (7 June 2008):
As people may have discovered on other threads, I'm not exactly sympathetic to intolerant wives who can't accept that their husband watches a bit of porn on the side, despite a healthy sex life in all other respects.
But in this case I totally agree with the aunts who identify this as a case of "porn addiction". The total absorption in porn, the mounting bills, the continuing deception, the secret phone, the mediocre sex life... these all point to a man who is out of control of his life and sexual behaviour. Unless he can fix this problem, you are in for a miserable marriage. You definitely need help.
Since this only backs up what several aunts are saying, it may not be of much help to you, but I just want to say that I don't agree with people who regard a bit of porn as "useful" or think that his behaviour is symptomatic of a deeper problem in the marriage. If it is part of a deeper problem, it was there from the very start and he shouldn't have made the decision to marry.
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reader, B and T +, writes (7 June 2008):
You didn't cause this problem, you know about it before you married him, he had it then. Addiction? Substituting? Most addicts are copying with insecurities. If you knew he was an alcholic before you married him, then found his bottle stash would you cut and run? If this is the man you want to grow old with, will love if prostrate cancer ends his ability to have sex, will hold his hand when he grows feeble in body and mind then help him get help. If not help yourself and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): When my partner did this to me, i asked if he would like me masturbating during conversation with hot men online. He was horrified and i think he began to understand where I was coming from. He has now suggested that he wants to go for counseling.
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reader, batfink +, writes (7 June 2008):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDude, your response is not helpful. My husband didn't need to look elsewhere as he had it on tap at home if he wanted it. I offered to watch porn with him and basically do anything to get our sex life on track but he was never interested. He is not learning from porn, he is substituting with porn.
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reader, MissL +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Recently, I found my partner of 12 years who was also my best friend/business partner/companion/ the 'man' I wanted to spend my life with - put a profile on 'adult friend finder' looking for a discreet sexual relationship/s & threesomes. We talked things over and tried to work things out...and he was doing so well for afew months until yesterday when i accidentally scrolled in his history only to find traces of porn again. Like you, i am feeling shakey, alone, and so very angry. I just want u to know that i can't give you any advise, but to let you know that you are NOT ALONE in this.
It is easy for me to tell you to LEAVE him or risk getting more hurt because a leopard will never change his spots...But in saying this, i am finding it hard to leave my partner.
Please hang in there, get some space apart from each other, let time heal your wounds, then make a clear and intelligent decision. Good luck to both of us :(
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 It is always easy to say, cut it off with a sharp scalpel
any parts that you presume is cancerous whether it a just a
malignant tumour which can be left alone.
When you are in a relationship ,you should try your very
best to overcome your problems until you run out of options.
Talk to him first, if no effects, bring a friend to meditate
or tell the church and lastly seek professional help.
Running away from your problems is not the answer.
People here have a propensity to seek the easy way out by telling you to dump him or get out quickly.
End of the story.
It is you who will have to carry the baggage and not these aunts who give you a quick fix.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): I agree that the lies, deception, and irresponsibility with respect to his domestic and financial obligations to the marriage are huge problems in themselves. Marriage counseling is a minimum, provided you want to salvage this relationship at all-- just thank your stars there aren't any kids yet!
I had a similar problem with my husband just before I was married as well, though at least he wasn't into the phone sex, lap dances, etc. Fortunately after a couple of deceptions, being found out, and given his walking orders by me, he shaped up or appeared to, and we got married.
After almost 10 years since, I have no complaints about the support he gives me in other areas of our marriage (though we had to go through a very rough patch in the second year of our marriage when I began to act up and do irresponsible things, possibly as a reaction to the feelings of betrayal and distaste I felt earlier.)
We at one time had a long conversation where I compared looking at porn to eating fast food. It may make sense when a person is busy and single. But if after getting married, a person continues to get stuffed on burgers instead of eating delicious home-cooked dinners with the family, it's inconsiderate and harmful to the relationship, not to mention stupid and self-destructive. It would be reasonable for the spouse to worry that he wasn't a good cook... or feel that there was no point cooking if there was no appreciation.
My husband, who originally thought I was being silly for feeling insecure about my attractiveness and upset at his lack of taste, had to concede I had a point. Sex is a very important part of the bond holding a couple together, and to outsource weakens the bond.
Best of luck.
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reader, batfink +, writes (31 May 2008):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanls Angel but the addiction makes it easier for me to cope with. I'm not coping very well with this.
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reader, angel hayes +, writes (30 May 2008):
hi Batfink
I will start by disagreeing that this is an addiction that your husband needs help with. Why must we always make excuses for the deviants in our society? Get out of this marriage and quick. Lies and deception are not telerable in any marriage no matter what his excuse is. I don't believe he will change but you will get over this you don't need him in your life. Move on sweetie you're worth more than him x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles :(I hesitate to give this advice because I believe 100% in the sanctity of marriage, and it is not something to be thrown away lightly - but I have to admit, reading your story, every part of my just screamed "Get out, and now!!" Obviously I don't know you or your husband but to an objective person with the bare minimum facts, that's how it looks to me. You seem like a sensitive, bright person and there are so many wonderful men out there - it doesn't sound like your husband is in a place, mentally, where he can be in a relationship.This guy has deceived you, spent your money - it is an addiction and he needs help. Nobody can tell you what to do, but please whatever happens, do not let him try and turn any part of this around on you, and don't let him try and drag you down with him into this mess he has created. Either way, it's going to be painful, but I hope you work it out. Just try and take something from the experience in the end.
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reader, batfink +, writes (9 May 2008):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much guys, I'd never thought of it as an addiction before. I sat and talked to him about him and he refuses to accept it's an addiction even when I pointed out that, once he admits the addiction we can get help. He walked out last night to stay at a friends so that HE can get his head straight!! I have now found log ons to web chat sites which he swore he hadn't touched and some major discrepancies on his bank account, he could be spending up to £200 a month of porn. Until he makes admissions I can't help him and to be honest, now I've found evidence of more lies I'm not sure I want to. Knowing how devastated I am we sat down for an 'honest conversation' and I've found that a lot of that wasn't true. I just don't know what to do with myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Oh gosh...I am so sorry for your pain and heartache, hun. I have answered this question on this site before, so I will tell you what I have told others.Before I do that, I will state, hands down...I concur fully with the other Aunts below---your man has a "pornography addiction" and this insidious, addiction has become a monumental problem with many, many relationships and marriages, nowadays, since the onset of the internet. Gone are the days, where a person had to face the cashier at the corner drug store, buying porn mags. They can access it at home, faceless and anonymous. *sigh* And now, marriage counseling offices are packed with couples enduring the same problems as you are.
Pornography addiction is very serious, hun, as is drug/alcohol and other addictions. The problem is not you, it's him and his weaknesses. As is the case with any addiction, it is imperative that the he “owns” his addiction. His behavior belongs to him and he is in control of his own behaviours, thoughts and choices in life. Even if one's marriage is one that is wrought with other unspoken problems – problems that make intimacy difficult -that's still not an excuse to use porn. For one thing, porn never satisfies. It may give the illusion that it satisfies, but the reality is that it never satisfies the need that is at the root of the pornography use problem. It only sparks the desire for more of the same.
So now, it's crucial.. that you look after yourself, because he will not be able to look after you, emotionally or in an intimate way and if he continues, it will worsen. You will become very unhappy. You will become like a sentinel, the trust will be shattered and it will get stressful. You will need to be tough, get back that self-confidence, your personal courage and convictions, to deal with this. You need to find 'that part' of you because it will help you cope with what is to come. He is fighting an addiction and addicts, no matter how much we see the goodness and lovability, they will manipulate, they will lie and be very sneaky to get what they want...that fix.
If you are writing in for advice, I have to assume you want to 'save' this marriage. He needs help, sweety. It's out of control. And even then, there will never be guarantees he won't slip. This will be a inner battle for him, for a long, long time because pornography is extremely addictive, and some people become desensitized to 'ordinary' porn and move on to dangerous deviant images of porn. Pornography can dehumanize the addicted individual and reducing their capacity to love in a caring, meaningful way.Then you'll need resources. Get some help. Ask you family doctor, your pastor...to refer you to a marriage counselor. Go on your own first, to get their insights and opinions on what this will do to your future marriage and how this will all play out. Then join a support group. There are millions of other spouses going through this pain. You need the support. Then above and beyond his addiction counseling, he will need marital counseling as well.
Next, if I were you, I'd work on your strength, your self-assurance, your resolve and stay the course. You will need that strength to cope and to take a stand to letting him know what he stands to lose if this addictive behavior continues. Boundaries need to be laid out and consistantly followed through by you. You really need to do this, Don't passively stand by and feel lost and hurt. Get moving. Boundaries are so crucial...they teach others to respect us and it teaches them, what we won't tolerate. Tell him you are getting rid of the internet connection, his porn movies, and he goes to counseling. If you don't do this and he continues disrespecting this relationship, you will never be truely happy in the long lasting sense. This will erode your soul and this relationship will eventually blow up. Do what is best for you...right now. He has to help himself--he has to face it head on.,,.. before you can even hope to have a healthy, loving marriage and family with this man. It's a tough decision, and I am sorry. There is no other way.
If he refuses to get help-walk out and leave before he drags you down into the hell he's gotten himself into. And please find that support group you can get involved with. You will need to heal from this horrible experience. And remember, not all guys look at pornography--I know many, many committed married family men who respect and adore their wives and just simply don't do bring porn into their relationships. So if anyone tells you...all guys do it...that is a big scam. Good luck and god bless
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): It sounds like he has an addiction. He should see someone, he may have past emotional scares, and he has convinced himself that this is a way for him to satisfy his needs, whatever that may be. You need to get him to seek help, you do not want to be a part of his rehashing of his emotional reasoning, for it will bring you down. When he has improvement with a counselor, then maybe then, you can participate. We all have needs, and when they are not met, we participate in activities that seem to satisfy our immediate needs, but it never satisfies the core problem or deficiency. We all are human, and prone to these activities unless we realize the cause, the need and can control them.
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