A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I have been with my fiance for two years but I cannot get over HIS Ex. When he and I met, he had been single for two years after breaking up with the first woman he was ever emotionally involved with. He lived with her and her child from a previous relationship. HE was the breadwinner in the relationship and he bought her everythign she wanted, even though eventually this led to him getting into debt. She then tried to cheat on him by signing up to a dating site, and talking to other guys. He saw this and left. He then quit his job and started working from home and spent two years being single. Then he met me and we have been together for two years. It used to be a great relationship but not its falling apart because I can't seem to get over his ex. I feel that I cannot compete with her; everything I do for him, make him meals/buy him things etc she has done for him also and I keep thinking 'whats the point' if its already been done. I hate living in her shadow. I even take the dog she left behind out for walks. I feel like a doormat and I hate it. I just want to run away but I have made a commitmet to marry him so I can't. I am just stuck here, in this relationship miserbale as sin.
View related questions:
debt, fiance, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): You arent married yet. Leaving him now is easier than leaving once you're married!
And get a grip, this isnt about his ex. Its about you and your feelings.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 November 2009):
I have two words for you. BE YOURSELF. Do you think he wants another woman like his ex? No. Do you think he wants to be hurt again? No. Do you think he wants to be reminded of his ex who hurt him? No.
Quit trying to be her. He doesn't want her, he wants you. So be yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 November 2009):
 So let me get this straight. His ex was a cheat, she used him for his money and she had a kid that wasnt your boyfriends? So why on earth would you feel threatened by that?!
As long as you dont lie to him, cheat on him or use him for his money you are already a million times better than she is!
How are you a doormat? Does he treat you badly? To me this sounds like it is entirely in your head and you are making a big deal out of absolutely nothing!
You have a man who I presume loves you because he wants to marry you, someone that wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And all you can think of is some money-grabbing cheat from his past?
I am really trying not to sound rude here but I think you just need to wake up and realise what you have! His pasty is his past - everyone has a past and it is not a big deal. He ended the relationship with her because she treated him badly - he spent 2 years being single because he obviously hadnt met anyone special. So you come along and you have a 2 year relationship and he wants to marry you. Already in these 2 years you are (in his eyes) wife material, he obviously thinks a lot of you and wants to share his life with you.
Why would you even compare yourself to his ex when she treated him so badly? The only shadow she can have left in his life is a bad one that he will be glad to be away from! So the only shadow you are living in is the shadow of your own expectations!
You are so hung up on silly things - of course she made him meals, of course you are going to make him meals. Hell, even his mother made him meals! Are you jealous of his mum too? I am sitting here shaking my head, this just seems so ridiculous!
I mean if you are not happy then by all means leave, it is better to leave before you are married than go through a divorce later on. But I can tell you this - any man you meet in the future will also have a past, and you will never be happy. This problem is all in your head - it is nothing to do with your relationship, nothing to do with your boyfriend, nor is it anything to do with his ex. IT IS ALL YOU!
I suggest you need to see a therapist - I am guessing that if you compare yourself to such a low standard of woman as his ex then you have got a number of issues - possibly low self esteem, inferiority complex, depression....those are the 3 main issues I think you are looking at here. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem and seeking professional help - after all you have a man who wants you to be his wife - surely that alone is enough to make you want to get better so you can be the perfect wife he already thinks you will be. A therapist will be able to accuractely identify why you have these feelings and why you are so obsessed with his ex - there will be underlying reasons why you compare yourself to her and it will have nothing to do with her as a person.
Because you are comparing yourself to trash basically, someone who uses men for money and cheats! That is not a good example of a woman - so by comparing yourself to her and feeling you are not good enough - you are pretty much saying "I am worse than a cheating money grabbing xxxxxx (insert appropriate word!)". Ask yourself this - Why am I not good enough for him? Why is she better than me? Why am I not happy in a relationship where I have a man who wants to marry me? You need to start to ask yourself "why?" more instead of just allowing your emotions to take over so you get to the point where you feel the "whats the point" emotion.
Already you are a million times better than this woman so the issue here is not her, it is you. These feelings are being conjured up in your head, she is not relevant in this problem. You have a good man who wants to marry you and you are in danger of losing a great relationship due to your own insecurities. Do the right thing and get some help before you push your fiance away and lose a good thing in your life.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
