A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my girlfriend... I love her so much... She is beautiful and really intelligent and has a great sense of humor... She takes care of me, makes me dinners, lunches, gives me back rubs, buys me random presents, pays for fuel for my car... she even gives me all of her summer paychecks so that I can afford my university tuition... she helps me with any family, financial or other problem I ever have, and has been through lots of very hard things with me. I can't live without her... she is everything to me, I love her so much and I feel bad for taking so much from her (though she offers it all up and expects nothing but a thank you in return... it is her sweet nature) I wish I could give something back but I am broke and cannot even afford new socks for myself let alone giving her things... she says she doesn't mind... She's even fabulous in bed, very open to experimentation, suggests new positions and things, she hardly says no to anything sexual that I ask of her, she is almost always enthusiastic about all of it. She satisfies me completely.I feel so guilty... I can't stop thinking about all of the things she does for me and how faithful she has been to me over the past 5 years... she's the girl of my dreams, she has every good quality a person can posess... she is not perfect, neither am I, and we do fight at times, but ultimately she "gets" me and I feel that I "get" her and we are so right for each other... I don't know what came over me.But I got tempted... I don't even know why... Like I said my girlfriend is better in bed than anyone else I have ever slept with, by far. She blows them out of the water. And then this other girl came along. We were studying for a midterm together... I met her in one of my classes... it was an innocent friendship. I told my girlfriend about it and she fully supported me getting tutored by this girl... she wasn't suspicious at all, which makes me feel even worse. Anyway she was tutoring me at her dorm and she started to flirt. She isn't even goodlooking. She is plain. Her personality isn't that good, though she is a kind girl. My girlfriend blows her out of the water... she has a better body, better face, better personality... I am attracted to my girlfriend like a magnet. This girl did nothing for me, I felt no attraction. But then she offered to sleep with me, and I couldn't say no. We had sex. It wasn't very good. It was boring. There was no excitement... it was just different... it wasn't better... The whole time I was thinking about my girlfriend (if I hadn't been picturing my girlfriend i don't think I would have been able to come!). It's so bizarre... I had sex with someone else while fantasizing about my girlfriend. I knew it was wrong. I don't know why I did it. I left immediately. I haven't spoken to this girl since. I feel like a complete shithead. This is the first time I have ever even so much as flirted with a woman other than my girlfriend. It went too far. I am not sure why I was so easily tempted. I must be a very weak and stupid guy. Why would I ruin my relationship for some random girl who I wasnt even attracted to? I'm so confused by my own behavior. I am trying to analyze it, to analyze myself, but I can't come up with an explanation for it other than, the girl was easy and wanted me to sleep with her, so I obliged.This is so fucked up.I can't tell my girlfriend, she will dump me for sure. She said early on in our relationship that cheating and physical abuse are her two big deal breakers and that if any guy does either to her, she'll toss them without a second thought... I cant stand this. I feel so bad. What do I do????????
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female
reader, if-its-real +, writes (14 October 2007):
don't tell her. don't do it again but if it was an honest mistake let it be. go get tested if you don't have anything just forget it. don't hurt her like that. if you feel that guilty break up with her but don't say its because you cheated. you knew her standards in the begining you let her down don't hurt her like that. if you tell her it can really mess up all her relationshhips from now on with rust issuies. believe me it happened to me a guy cheated on me he told me a couple weeks later now i have horribale trust issuies with every guy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): Well, there is some good advice here already, so all i am going to add is this..
Try putting yourself in your girlfriends shoes. Would you want to be lied to for the rest of your relationship? When she finds out (and she will find out someday) she will be even more devistated because she will think that your whole relationship was a lie, and then she will wonder how many other times you lied to her. She will never trust you again. You need to come clean, and show TONS of remorse, and explain to her that you can't keep this from her because you value her too much to lie to her. If you present it right, then my guess is she will stay with you. Let it go, and she discovers it on her own, you are history for sure.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): Some people say "tell her," and others say not to.
I think there is some validity in not telling her in some cases, but not in the majority of them. The only time that not telling her/him is the better idea is when you honestly think they would rather you not have told them. But this reasoning is how a minority of men/women think, and it's used to justify A LOT cheating on men/women who don't feel that way at all. Before you decide not to tell her, you'd better be sure it's really the way SHE would think and not just the way that you hope & wish & convince YOU yourself that she would think.
The majority of times, it's better to tell her/him even if that means you split up over it. If you respect her that much, then you'll respect her decision (and her right) not to have to spend her life with someone whom she does not trust. Even if that means it costs you the relationship. You've given her a valid reason to want to leave you, and she has the right to decide for herself whether she wants to do that.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (12 October 2007):
You say you love her and how this other girl was useless when compared to her yet it didn't stop you sleeping with her - did it.
I am not so sure that you do love her.
There is no doubt that you are in a hell of a comfort zone with her and you are no doubt very fond of her. I just cannot help wondering how much of this is cupboard love?
Did you cheat on her because it was easy for you to do so?
Would it be difficult for her to find out? -
Let me assure you that if this other girl you slept with has consequently developed any feelings for you whatsoever she could be in a position to make things very difficult for you both and if she feels she has been used likewise?
At the end of the day your girlfriend stipulated just two conditions whilst in return being there for your every need wreather it be sexual or financial. You have to decide wreather to tell her or not. If you decide not to there is a chance that she would never find out and everything could continue very comfortably for you. If you tell her you could end up losing her, putting a huge strain on the relationship, or she might after initially hating what you have done learn to forgive you and continue things as they are.
BUT
If she is told by somebody else you will most certainly lose her and this she will find the most upsetting of all. If she finds out that you have played away from home she will feel so utterly used by you - especially in view of what you have said she has done for you in the past.
Some people just don't know when things are perfect and only find out once they have done something stupid and it is all too late.
I can only hope that this whole esperience may teach you to evaluate better for the future.
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A
male
reader, k_finger  +, writes (11 October 2007):
it sounds funny to me... all i can say once you've been stupid, dont make it 100% stupid... you know what to do my friend... dont ruined your trade mark as a one of the luckiest person ever live... playing safe is not a good words for you... wish i could have that kind of girlfriend, and if i ever had i would not let her angry with me...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): You could have said NO, you didn't even find her attractive? what's wrong with you? it sounds like your g/f does too much for you and is too trusting. You should feel bad about it, not many women are like that! You should tell her, she needs to know what your cable off and that you can't say no to sex, if you said yes to a plain Jane, your say yes to an attractive girl. Shame on you, you let the men down
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): I think you realise you have made a big mistake, so live with it seems you feel so bad and beating yourself up so much enough is enough, Learn by it, not a nice experience, didnt mean anything, why hurt the one you know you love who loves you back, I think to do such a thing you do take her for granted, so better you stop doing that, before speaking out something that meant nothing, that you wont do again, you should get over your own guilt in time, be good to the one that loves you, feeds you, satisfies you in ever way, rumors do occour, see it as that, if it gets out and admit to nothing, try to live with it.... at that I dont think its worth the risk of losing all, as you know you have found the love of your life, she doesnt deserve the hurt, i dont think theres a great deal of happy happy couples in todays vicious and difficult way and cost of living save one, save your own, wishing you both every happiness, try saying nothing for two weeks see how you feel...if you are unable to cope come clean and if she is as good as you think and say, kiss her goodbye as thats what she will tell you to do. all the best, just be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): I think you realise you have made a big mistake, so live with it seems you feel so bad and beating yourself up so much enough is enough, Learn by it, not a nice experience, didnt mean anything, why hurt the one you know you love who loves you back, I think to do such a thing you do take her for granted, so better you stop doing that, before speaking out something that meant nothing, that you wont do again, you should get over your own guilt in time, be good to the one that loves you, feeds you, satisfies you in ever way, rumors do occour, see it as that, if it gets out and admit to nothing, try to live with it.... at that I dont think its worth the risk of losing all, as you know you have found the love of your life, she doesnt deserve the hurt, i dont think theres a great deal of happy happy couples in todays vicious and difficult way and cost of living save one, save your own, wishing you both every happiness, try saying nothing for trwo weeks see how you feel...if you are unable to cope come clean and if she is as good as you think and say kiss her goodbye as thats what she will tell you to do. all the best, just be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): You are atypical for a young man who has been given everything -- but self-control. You want to know why there are men in the world who swear their girlfriends are insecure, or jealous, or paranoid because they are always questioning their boyfriends; checking their e-mails, looking at their phone records? I'll tell you why we're so friggin' paranoid every time our man has a couple of female friends who he hangs out with, who are always texting him, or e-mailing him? I'll tell you why women get so paranoid about ex-girlfriends, and co-workers who innocently give you a ride home or have to travel with you on business trips? This is why. Because we all fear we'll end up like your poor, unsuspecting girlfriend, all trusting, and loving, and giving, and nice and we'll still get fucked over because men don't know how to say no, they don't know how to be "friends" with a woman without wanting to bang her -- or they may not want to bang her until she makes them an offer and then like Eve wagging the apple in front of Adam's nose, you simply cannot say no. Why is that so hard for men to do? They end up losing everything. They end up broken hearted, kicking themselves in the ass, only to do it all over again with the next poor, loving, wonderful woman who comes into their lives, thinking she's the 'only one'. To say that you don't deserve your girlfriend would be an understatement. What do you do???? You should come clean and tell her what a rotten person you really are. And hopefully she'll forgive you, rather than dumping you, which is what you really deserve.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 October 2007):
 She may dump you and she may not dump you. It's not a matter of what your consequences are from your girl friend. It's a matter of doing what's right. You chose to do this with the ugly duckling, so you have you get on your knees and tell your queen.
If you've read many of these comments myself and others have posted for people, you will find us going in detail about how pain work. How it grows. How it affects so much about who we are and the choices we make, if we don't resolve it.
Unfortunately guilt is the same way. You will never be happy, you will never be able to put this behind you, you will always be living a lie, until you come clean.
Your last paragraph is very selfish. Yes, you want to remain with her, and she's the girl of your dreams, and you love her so much. You also chose to let yourself be played by your easy tutor. When you truly love someone what is really right? Risk loosing someone, but living in truth, or keeping someone, living a lie, looking in their face and every time just knowing how you deceived that person.
You made a very selfish mistake. I really hope you learn "JUST SAY NO". You now owe your love, and must come clean and allow her the choice to decide the direction of this relationship. You never know. 5 years is much harder to end than a new relationship. If she does extend you a chance, you'd better be down kissing her feet, thanking her for it and working extremely hard to make it up to her.
Always remember this. The single instant it took you to make that choice (and have really bad sex) are instants that literally destroy so many lives. When I read this I could just imagine what you're going through. I don't know if you are in any religion, but it almost seems like a modern day Adam and Eve. The snake came and said, hey put that thing in here, and you feel for it, a temptation that when the wrong way because you chose to say yes, instead of no.
I do wish you luck. For once with cheating, I really hope this works out for you. Take care, and please send an update to let us know what happens.
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A
female
reader, jtaunton5410 +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Wow! This is a pretty bad situation. To be honest, I dont think that you should keep this from her. I mean you two have been together for 5 years and maybe there is a slight chance that she could forgive you. I mean what if she finds out from someone else and she now knows that you kept it from her? It would devestate her even more. I think that it is a good thing that you feel so guilty for it because that does at least show your true feelings. I really cant tell you what to do in this situation but I think that your girl would thaink that it is honnorable if you came clean. Yes, of course she is going to be mad and heartbroken but all you can really do is apologize, apologize and apologize some more. There is no harm in crying as you are confessing either. You are going to want to show as much emotion as possible. Just so she does see that you really do care. Everyone make mistakes in realtionships and all you can really do is learn from them and try and prove with all your might to your girl that it will never happen again. Good luck, if you want to talk about this, feel free to message me.
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A
female
reader, XAlisonX +, writes (11 October 2007):
 this is quite a tricky situation. I think before you do anything else, you need to try and figure out why you did this, if not there is always the possibilityh youn will do it again. I think you girlfriend deserves to know though, you were unfaithful and should face up to the consequences, she may be understanding about this, If she truly loves you she will try. wait untill the time is right though, you clearly love her and dont want to lose her but lets face it, what kind a relationship will it be if you keep secrets, noone can say how she will react but i really think she has the right t know. think very carefully about how you will let her know and try to figure out why you did this before telling her. buy her flowers and take her out to show her how much you love her. if she finds out from anyone but you it may well end the relationship but you never know, your honesty could even bring you closer together. hope this helps you. good look with whatever you decide to do. xx
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