A
female
age
30-35,
*etty
writes:I love a guy who is a good friend of mine and he doesnt know that I love him. At present we are not at all in talking terms. Let me explain how all this happened.6-7 months back it came to my realization that I love him because I sensed jealousy in me when one of our friend started getting close to him after her break up and I started assuming that they both will end up in relationship and honestly all these thoughts anfd feeling was making me go thhrpugh worse. I didnt want to feel this way I loved them all as friends. And so considering myself at fault I decided to distance myself from my friend circle.So for like 4 months I wss quite hot and cold with them it was quite difficult to handle my emotiins and same time I felt guilty for being jealous. Two weeks back this guy (whom I love) decided to confront me on this issue. So yes we talked on this and he got the idea that I thought he and she was in relationship (which I didnt mentioned at all while distancing myself from them). So he made clear that after her break up with bf they became too close but as best friends and no they are not in relationship. And then he asked to forget everything and get back with them. I denied. He asked me the reason which I couldn't tell him. Reason was I was in love and I cannot confess him because I was afraid if this would turn out to be one sided. I had already been through one sided love twice before and again this time would put me in distress and anxiety. I was weak at that moment. To speak up or not was completely chaotic decision for me. So I kept on ignoring his question why I didnt want to get back. I even told him asking me this question will put me on deep emotional stress so I dont want to answer. The very next day he started ignoring me and since that day we are not talking with each other. I cannot believe just because I denied to get along with others he stopped talking to me and couldnt see my care for him! Since two week I felt uncomfortable of this sudden change and now I feel like I need to explain him why I cannot be open about my feelings. Should speak up and make him understand how it will affect me or should I just let it be as it is. Because I care for him and I can see him being sad and pretending to be okay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2018): P.S.
If you manage to get him to admit he has romantic-feelings for you; then you're all set. I just don't see it; if you've both been dancing around each other all this time. It's silly! Two grown-ups acting like grade-school children with little crushes. If you fear his rejection, stop the dancing and dithering around. Go elsewhere and find yourself some love!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2018): Reading your post, it would seem that you have a problem with becoming attached; before you know (or despite) what the guy feels for you. You don't have the patience to wait and see. You want love so badly! Outside attempts with men have failed; so now you turn to within. You've chosen a male-friend. It's safe!
You formed a romantic-attachment to your friend; because there is no challenge in falling for people, when they're already close and familiar. Maybe I can transform their friendliness into something more, you'll tell yourself. Hoping you can bypass the challenge of allowing natural-chemistry to ignite between two people who are strangers; based on their mutual-attraction for each other. Avoiding taking risks and playing against the odds. Nature actually intended natural-selection to be a process. Try as you may, you can't fight it; nor can you circumvent nature. Rarely do friends turn to lovers and stay there. Lovers can also be friends. Intimacy is the key-ingredient that allows it.
Falling for a guy-friend. Quick and convenient! You don't have to overcome the obstacles of letting-down your guard; and using your better-judgement or discernment in choosing a good match. You try to sneak-up on a buddy by adding various benefits! Not to exclude sex as a lure! Wishing he was your boyfriend; getting closer under the guise of just being friends.
If guys always let you down. Perhaps you let your feelings get ahead of you; instead of you taking charge of your feelings. In total denial the whole time; claiming you can't let-go of the friendship. No, you won't let-go of your wishful-thinking!
You are terrified of rejection; but it seems to always happen. Why?
How dare I presume to know you? You might ask. Some dude on DC, thinking he knows my life. I don't, and don't pretend to.
Girlfriend, we all do it! Only you/we have to overcome and outgrow the temptation to take the easier route; out of fear or laziness. We all crush on that friend who has the perfect traits, the looks, the body; and the personality we want in a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. It's a bird in the hand! Only one problem, they don't feel the same way we feel for them. Flattered and shocked doesn't substitute for returning the feelings.
It's convenient. You don't have to go through the trouble of waiting, searching, and finding someone. You don't have to work through all the stuff you go through when randomly-dating. Free-lancing our way through finding romance, and having to deal with strangers. Revealing ourselves and feeling vulnerable. Living-up to their expectations. It's almost giving-up in defeat, turning to a friend. Especially to one who isn't on the same page!
Hey, haven't we all been there and done that?
Easier to attach your feelings to people you crush on, who have no clue, or male-friends. You let desperation and neediness push you into falling too fast. Maybe you don't give the guy a chance to catch up; to let you know how he feels, before you're already there! I've reached all these conclusions based on all the clues you've revealed in your post. They're too familiar.
You've convinced yourself this friend is unaware of how you feel about him; but at least you know you can get close to him. Then you fall-away, only to comeback; praying he will admit his feelings for you are the same. He hasn't, and most likely he won't. He values your friendship. You're part of the group.
You have to develop the ability to separate and maintain platonic-friendships versus romantic-attachments. This proclivity comes from insecurity, immaturity, or laziness. Once bitten, twice as shy! Go for the one less likely to bite!
Until you break this pattern, you will continue breaking your own heart. Remaining in a perpetual state of infatuation! Yearning and craving against all hope. If he won't fess-up, give-up!
You mentioned he let you know he and another female were not in a relationship. Then he must have had some hint or inkling you are infatuated with him. The fact he hasn't acknowledged your romantic-feelings; must be an indication he doesn't reciprocate them. Be that the case, you have to get out of the circle; and make some new social-connections. Make yourself visible and available to meet guys apart from males within your friendship-circle, or within a platonic-setting.
Stop pretending to only want to be a friend, to avoid rejection. Sneaky, clever, but ineffective!
Rejection is a part of adult-life; and you had better grow-up and learn to deal with it. Keep your feelings under some control; so you can stay on the same page when you attempt to make romantic-connections with men.
Stop shopping for convenience at friendship-mart, using your social-circle to avoid the challenges and pitfalls of dating. Widen your field and scope of search. By mere chance, or subscribe to a reputable dating-site.
Risk, rejection, and failure is part of developing our interactive-skills, tools for survival, and forming healthy romantic-relationships that last. Let rejection be damned!
You need a few scars to toughen-up; in order to bounce-back after disappointment, and failed-attempts at finding love. Get-over the past; and stop with the pity-party! "Wah-wah, men hurt me in the past!" They're tear-drops in an ocean of men! Forget them! Going forward! NEXT!!!
We learn, grow, and make better choices from the random trial and error in the "free-for-all" pool of choices, aside from friends. Seek, until we find the right-one! Maybe not the only one; but the best for the time-being! A lifetime-keeper, if we're blessed!
I've learned this through experience. I'm passing it on to others.
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A
female
reader, CherryR07  +, writes (11 November 2018):
You need to tell him how you feel. You're both adults, not children. Wasting time, thinking 'what if' is not going to get you anywhere. It's going to make things worse.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 November 2018):
 I had to check your age after reading your post. You are in your 20s, not a child. Stop playing childish games. This guy is not a mind reader. It is not his job to ask you countless questions to get to the bottom of your strange behaviour.
You have a choice here. You can either continue as you are, playing mind games and distancing yourself from your friends, or you can take a chance and ask this guy how he feels about having a relationship with you. If he tells you he is not interested, then at least you know. Do nothing and you will spend years (possibly the rest of your life) wondering "what if?"
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 November 2018):
 He has got to be dumb to not know. He thrives on unspoken feelings and your friendship only survives because of the uncertainty and the fantasy playing in his mind. That he is the hero and women secretly want him. I don't believe male female friendships to be pure. My guess is that he likes you both but do not want to lose either of you as friends. This is not high school anymore. If none of you speak up (about having feelings or not or about the status of relationship), then this is forever going to be a vague, triangular relationship. One good thing if you ask for clarity is you will stop lingering. He is either yours or not, and you will look out for the one who belongs to you only. I would say don't express your feelings because even if you do, you would not find much luck with a guy who goes back and forth between women. If the girlfriend goes to him after relationship woes, he would be too nice to give her comfort. So even if you became his girlfriend you will always have the worry that he will run to her every time she has problems. It only takes a seemingly innocent hug to become more than what it is. A weak moment, a temptation for him to step over the lines and become unfaithful.
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