A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI am 24 and my boyfriend is 36. We have been together for going on 3 years. We have a great realationship and I love him so much but there's one thing mentally and emotionally holds me back for him, he has a daughter. She is 14 years old. In the beginning it bothered me a little but now I cringe at the sound of her name. I am not one of those women who would try to steal my bf away from his family or even make him choose if anything I have tried my hardest to be a part of his family. But for some reason I just can't accept his relationship with her and I feel like a bad person. I have stayed with him for this long cause he truly is a good guy but unfortunately this one huge thing is preventing me from being happy with him fully and I don't know what to do. Please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (10 July 2012):
what might be bothering you is that you two dont get to spend as much time as a couple alone together, as you could or should. you should discuss this with your boyfriend. a lot of people wouldnt be happy in your situation for a number of reasons, it is no bad reflection on you. talking to him might help, I know you dont want to lose him as you love him. good luck whatever you choose x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): "I have tried my hardest to be a part of his family"
Legally speaking, you are not a part of his family as you are not related to him by blood, marriage or adoption.
"I just can't accept his relationship with her"
Legally speaking, his daughter is a part of his family as she is related to him by blood. As his daughter, she has every right not to "accept" any woman with whom her father chooses to sleep and/or shack up. As his girlfriend, you have absolutely zero right or privilege or presumption to "accept" blood members of a family to which you do not legally belong.
"I have stayed with him for this long cause he truly is a good guy but unfortunately this one huge thing is preventing me from being happy with him fully and I don't know what to do. Please help"
Only one thing you can do, break up with him before he ultimately chooses his daughter over you, which he will in the end when he eventually realizes that girlfriends are disposable commodities and as such can be easily replaced while children are precious gifts and as such are irreplaceable.
As others have previously stated, when you get involved with a parent of minor children, it's a package deal. If you and bf have been together for three years, and yet you "cringe at the sound of her name," then shame on him for not ending the relationship sooner for his kid's sake.
Assuming you try to be civil and polite to his daughter when in the same room, but still I'm sure she picks up your animosity towards her, and I can only hope you haven't unwittingly created unnecessary rift, tension or distance between father and daughter. Tough enough for her that her home was broken up when her parents separated, even worse that her father took up with a much younger girlfriend more suited to be a potential step-sister than step-mother.
For the best of everyone concerned, call it quits ASAP. Otherwise, you're never going to be happy, he's never going to be happy, and a sad, confused, alienated 14-year old is never going to have a chance to be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): It would be better to get out now. The longer this goes on, the worse it will get. You need to work very hard on your jealousy, insecurity and selfishness before jumping into another relationship.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2012):
 I agree with Aidan, your BF and his daughter are a package deal.
14 is a lousy age in general as I'm sure you remember it... I'm 52 and I remember hating being 14....
WHAT about the relationship bothers you?
Is he inappropriate with her?
does he have custody of her and he is over indulgent?
is he inappropriate with her
does he only have weekend visitation and she cuts into your time with her daddy?
what about their relationship bothers you?
if you can't accept it, then you need to end it for not only your sake but his and hers... the longer you stick around the more they get attached.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 July 2012):
He and his daughter come as a package, and it’s all or nothing, so if you feel that you won’t be able to accept her, that doesn’t make you a bad person but it does mean that you need to be honest with your man about this and walk away from the relationship. What is it that you can’t accept? IS it that you don’t get on with the daughter, and could you try to find common ground with her? Or is it the fact that you can’t accept that you’ll always come second to your boyfriend’s child? Or the fact that you’ll have to share his attention, or that an ex will always be in his life? IF it’s because of your relationship with the daughter, there might be the possibility for you to try and build some bridges if you think that you can be open to bond with the daughter. You can ask your boyfriend to help you by for example telling you things that she might like to do that you could do together, or by encouraging her to get to know you better. But if the very fact that your man has a child is itself what holds you back in this relationship, you should walk away now because the longer you leave it the more painful it will be for everyone.
I wish you all the very best.
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