A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have known my husband for abt 10 yrs now, married for 6 and we both are very happy, committed and loving to each other, expecting our first baby now.But just the other day, I was talking of pregnancy stretch marks and he goes - dont worry honey, even strippers have them. And that lead to this whole argument and I prodded him and he confessed that he had been to strippers with the guys and got lap dances prior to our being married , about 6-8 times in all. Although we were committed even during that time frame, we were staying in different countries for abt 2 yrs and I'll admit we were still taking time to think although we regualrly spoke on phone, thr were arguments but we never met up. During that time frame I have also had a few flings in my part of town (like one night stands with 3-4 guys) that didnt mean much. But I just cannot get over the fact that he had fully nude hot sexy women gyrating on top of him, straddling and rubbing their bodies and boobs on his face and all over, and he looking at them and touching their boobs, etc!!!! Its a thing of the past like 6 yrs ago and he says it was jus fun with the guys and after marriage he has gone with his friends jus twice in 6 yrs( I know these ocassions as he told me) and didnt get lap dances then cos he didnt feel the need. At that time when it happened I was not with him in the same country. I dont know why I am overreacting so much, I prodded him for the tiniest details and he told me evrything that happened - that he had fully nude women on top of him n he touched them. its so gross! I feel so yuck thinking abt it n now whenever i look at him i often picture him in a dark room private lap dance in some dingy strip club with a hot perfect naked woman.He has admitted to not getting any extras like hand jobs, blow jobs and that the clubs had a strict policy, he justifies by saying every guy does it at some point. If it was jus for the experience of it, I understand going once or twice but he went like at least 6-8 times. I now think if he has thought of them later off hand and jerked off or is even thinking of them when we have sex. Dont know why I am acting or feeling so insecure - it just doesnt help. He tells me honey i love you, we have this whole life together and we have done so much together which brings more happiness and that was jus a phase and it will never happen again, even if thr is a situation like a bachelor party, he will not get lap dances. I felt slightly better after but I just wanted to get this off my chest to make sure it doesnt stay with me or some up again cos sub consciously i have gotten obsessed and have been frantically googling all about stripper and lap dances all over cyberspace. It probably is cos I am pregnant and all that my self image esteem has taken a hit and I am a very sexual person who loves to experiment and I belive in maintaining yourself, keeping fit and sexy and want to keep the spark alive. But i am just very bummed that my husband got a good piece of action with these strippers and I am probably even a bit jealous of their perfect boobs and hot bodies, even though it happened like 6 f***ing yrs ago - I am having trouble moving on and it seems to be ruining our lives together!! I want to be able to get over it completely and feel good about myself and look forward to the future. OR even let me know your thoughts on how you feel, if he was cheating on me or I am overreactin. I mean for me a lap dance is like sex with your clothes on, the guy does get a hard on and its a very intimate personal sexual act. I have every right to be upset.Please help me get the image off my head.
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blow-job, boobs, different countries, hand-job, I love you, insecure, jealous, lapdance, one night stand, spark, stretch marks, stripper Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 December 2012):
 I did not bash you and I have not judged you. I've simply answered your question as honestly as I can.
Being heavily pregnant likely has a lot to do with how you're handling this information. Not hormonal, I mean simply feeling heavy and unglamorous right now (for all we know you look fantastic, but it's what YOU think that counts). And again, if you're only learning of it now, it almost feels as though it's just happened.
If I've understood correctly it sounds as though you assume (and maybe you're right about this) that you were more vulnerable during your encounters than your husband was during his and thereore he has even less reason to do what he did than you did.
I think you've made a lot of assumptions and have projected them on to him or the strippers. His encounters seems so much more exotic than yours, for example (not that they were but that YOU might assume they were) and therefore that makes a big part of the sting.
This is not a judgment, but a different view of your situation that might give you the new perspective you need to help yourself.
In a nutshell, I think if you felt more attractive and secure in yourself right now and realised that going to a strip club and receiving a lap dance isn't necessarily that exotic, and most dancers aren't as beautiful as you think, might go a long way to helping you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): Thanks for responding and yes I needed that bashing up too. I really had sex with 2 guys, the other 2 were just making out really. And all this in a span of 2 yrs and on ocassions when I was out partying and got drunk (those crazy wild days!). Me and my husband were off and on - we were breaking up and making up and it was very frustrating being apart in 2 different parts of the world. I am not justifying my actions at all here - but I have always been very emotionally vulnerable, right from college. I felt really guilty abt my actions then. But i think it just threw me off now when i learnt this fact about my husband and i am reacting badly - I am not sure if he has told me the whole truth and well I am in no position to judge either. I just have to get over this - the logical thing to do and stop making misery out of the past.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (21 December 2012):
Most welcome and thanks for the follow up.
Your husband may have been in a similar mind set himself. The circumstances don' have to be exactly the same, but no doubt the arguments you mention and the physical distance took a similar toll on him.
So he paid for his experiences, but he too was probably consuming alcohol. And being drunk didn't just 'happen' to you. It was something you did. You may not have set out to get drunk, but you knew it was a likely outcome.
While strip clubs and lap dances have never been something I've had to deal with, I can understand why many women don't like their husbands or boyfriends visiting them. If I recall correctly, you've only recently learned of this, yes? Then there's that to consider. It happened years ago, but FOR YOU, it's just happened.
The bottom line is I don't think your husband's receiving a lap dance was worse than your having sex with several other men. Both of you sought sexual gratification outside your relationship. Your pursuit took you considerably further this his did.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): You has one night stands with 3-4 guys. So was that 3 or 4? Could you actually be missing any out too? As the number you have given is an estimate, I think there`s a chance you are missing 1 or 2 out. He did NOTHING with these strippers/dancers. How far did you go? Did you give any of them oral? Do you not think he`d be insecure if he knew about all this? Thinking they may have been bigger than him or wondering did you did more for them as you do for him? To be honest I think your outlook on everything is going to blow up in your face. I do not think he knows the real person he is with. At least he has been honest with you.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 December 2012):
I think your husband should be the one posting here if he should stay with you after four one night stands while you were together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): He had women dance on him.. just dance.You had sex with 4 men.. and you're mad at him?Oh honey I think your pregnancy hormones are messing with your judgement, big time!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 December 2012):
 I think it's just the pregnancy hormones doing their trick on you and clouding your judgement, otherwise you'd realize you are applying the most blatant of double standards here.
He had fully nude sexy women on top of him , ( and he had his clothes on and was in public ), eeew, you say.
You had fully nude aroused men putting their dicks inside you , in the same period of time and psychological conditions . Hallo ? Imagine if your husband should feel like, what about HIS eeew factor ?
You might object that his strippers were hot and had perfect toned bodies , maybe your one night stands weren't as hot and attractive , therefore pose no esthetic treat compared to your husband. But now you want to punish him because YOU did not choose better looking men for your walks on the wild side ??
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (21 December 2012):
You are at a vunerable time emotionally and obviously don't feel too sexy. But just remember that your husband loves you and even pregnant finds you sexy. You have a self confidence low point, which probably isnt help by the fact you had sex with strangers and you are afraid he is looking or prefers someone else. Guys going to strip bars is not comparable with any kind of relationship issue. It is entertainment. He's unlikely thinking about them at all. (he probably has some porn on his notebook for wacking off!!). What we think while we have sex is our own business, what do you think about? Stop looking for problems that dont exist and instead embrace the good things you have. And most of all enjoy lots of sex while you can still be alone together, well almost! Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): You are lucky he hasnt dumped you. For some reason I dont think he knows what you did. You have justified what you did and dismissed it as no big deal. You must really think all are accountable to you, but you are above question. If I met a girl with your attitude, she wouldnt last two minutes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): When you were both single you both have the right to have fun. You had no obligation to be faithful to him sexually so he cannot hold it against you for spreading your limbs to 4 other men right? Also he had no obligation to be faithful to you sexually so you cannot hold it against him for getting women's private parts being rubbed on his lap & bounced on his face. But in all fairness, if marriage was a trip, you're bringing more baggage than him. And it's even more unfair since you are complaining that his baggae is more heavier than yours & all the while you expect him to carry your tonne of baggage. The past is the past. He can't go back & undo it. You had the opportunity of rremaining a virgin for him & you blew it. Be happy that he is a loving & devoted husband to you & your future child. By the way, congradulations on becoming a mother. If you give birth to a daughter advise her not to go down th same road you took when you were a young woman.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82  +, writes (20 December 2012):
 He never got any extras like hand jobs and blow jobs because of strict club policy. How strict was your policy on your one night stands? At this moment he`s the one who`s owed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): Thanks for the reply Ciar, appreciate the time taken. And you're right I am very pregnant and I personally think there is nothing worse in this world than being fat! We did as a couple visit a gentleman's club and I bought him a lap dance too, so I pretty much know what goes on and he has told me everything on his other escapades and he did admit to gettign a hard on. Truthfully, I hope. He has this thing for big boobs and blondes I think and I'm brunette. Its jus probably a self image issue - I keep thinking if he is fantasizing abt them when we are having sex.I know I am maintaining a double standard but my flings were when I was young and got drunk on ocassions and was something that I did not intentionally want to do...we were having constant arguments and the 'being in two diff countries' and time zones wasnt helping either.I'm not justifying my acts here, he probably has an idea of these but hasnt prodded me on details. but he went and got these lap dances being fully aware and for the sexual experience by paying them! And I am not sure if he had any 'proper flings or girlfriends' too - he did mention that he had plenty of opportunities that he turned down, whatever that is. anyways, i guess thrs no point mulling over the past and I should just try and get the stupid stripper image outta my head.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 December 2012):
I don't know how far along you are but I can understand a certain degree of discomfort with picturing hot, tanned, perfect, naked bodies gyrating in front of your now husband while you feel (and think you look) heavy and bloated.
But I have to agree with the others in that you've applied a double standard. Your husband had women gyrating in front of him. You had men gyrating on top of you and IN you. Or perhaps your encounters were less than thrilling with physically unattractive men while you imagine that your husband was entertained by young, sexy, fit, confident young women.
As SVC points out, a lot of strippers wouldn't stand out in a crowd. Without knowing it, you've seen them in the grocery store, in malls, in the doctor's office and various other places and you didn't give them a second glance because they were so ordinary looking.
I think he has more reason to be angry with you than you with him.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (20 December 2012):
You are very pregnant and your hormones are likely making you feel very emotional.
Have you ever been to a 'strip club?' The women who work there are pretty normal looking. Sure, they are wearing sexy clothes, and are covered in make-up and glitter--but the majority of strip clubs are full of average women workers. 'gentlemen's clubs' are a bit of a different story. A 'gentlemen's club is a strip club with extremely attractive women and a price tag that matches their aesthetic quality.
So what if he or one of his friend's shelled out a few dollars to have a semi-naked woman dance in his personal space. He isn't allowed to touch. She doesn't have to touch him either if she doesn't want to. Some places have laws that forbid strippers to be fully unclothed as well...
Finally, you admit to 'one night stands' before you were married. The truth is, one night stands are worse than visiting a strip club. A one night stand implies enough of an attraction to do something sexual with another person because you want to. Paying a stripper to dance for you while being egged on by a group of guys is giving into peer pressure and paying a scantily clad woman to perform her job duties.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (20 December 2012):
 You were living in two different countries, and still "evaluating" your relationship. During that time he went to strip clubs and got some lap dances, while you had a few one night stands that involved actual sexual intercourse, and you're upset with him?
Is he equally as upset about your one night stands? Does he even know about them?
Just because your "one-night-stands" didn't mean much of anything, doesn't mean they weren't considered cheating - So no, you don't have a right to be upset, but he does.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 December 2012):
 for the most part when a guy gets a lap dance here
a. he has to sit on his hands.. he can't touch
b. she has clothes on
c. HE has clothes on
if he had 6-8 lap dances and you had 3-4 flings... (SEX with other people) how in the world can you have such a double standard?
have you ever been to a strip club?
they women are not perfect
when I used to go with my ex husband our favorite stripper was a middle aged grandma... tiny boobs and glasses... I kid you not she was the favorite of many.. because she would sit and have a damn conversation with us... like a person.
I don't see a lap dance as cheating.
I do see flings and one night stands as cheating.
so I gotta tell you IMO the one who cheated was you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): ARE YOU SERIOUS? You had SEX, the most intimate, and private act imaginable around FOUR times, and you are freaking out over a couple of lap dances?
If I were him, I wouldn't have taken you back after you having sex with so many guys, but you got lucky and he did. SO I would quit interrogating him and making him feel guilty. IFf anyone should be freaking out, its him not YOU.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (20 December 2012):
 It is a very intimate, personal, sexual act but then again so is having sex, something you freely admit to doing during this time frame yourself. I hope you can appreciate the fact that there is some irony here in what your saying. If he was cheating on you then you sure as hell were on him and id tend to think your own indiscretions should lead to a certain amount of leniency on your part to be honest.
"During that time frame I have also had a few flings in my part of town (like one night stands with 3-4 guys) that didnt mean much."
What makes you think this meant more to him? The fact that nothing else happened tends to suggest that visiting this club meant less to him than your one night stands. I think the real problem is that this has badly affected how you feel about yourself and that you thought you had his undivided sexual attention but didnt, but then again he didnt have yours did he? I think you really need to let go of this, as you say it happened along time ago and as long as you are both faithful now I fail to see what the problem is. Dont let this ruin an otherwise happy relationship, dont make it much bigger than it deserves to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): well, i guess you are in no position to feel jelaous, the guy had only a few lap dances while you were having -and i quote- 3-4 one night stands. doesnt seem fair, does it? a lap dance is not a big deal, its just grinding. you said you cant take from your head an image from him with a girl with perfect body in a dark room, what would he feel thinking about you being bangged by another guy in one of yor multiple one night stands? you have double moral girl, i belive you are being jelaous because strippers have beautiful bodies and you may not, so give the man a break, he is with you and he loves you.
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