A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had a really bad argument about our future (there is a lot of pressure surrounding finances and commitment etc)on holiday and it became physical. I threw a cushion at him and he shoved me and I fell on the floor. This hurt my back. He also shoved me on the bed and grabbed my wrists. I felt he went overboard but he says it was my fault for shouting and accusing him and stuff and throwing something at him. The thing is the next day I had terrible bruises which I had to cover up and felt ashamed. I have been upset ever since (3 months now) but he says he thinks I must make men angry (my ex husband was also abusive). He has been away with work abroad and I suggested visiting him and us having a break at a hotel but I said I was worried things would go the same way as before. His words to me were "I'm not surprised youre worried. If you want to pick an argument then you should be so you need to control yourself." I felt this was a kind of a threat. Now I feel unable to stand up for myself in any situation. I love my boyfriend but he has flown off the handle in other situations. We had an argument in a pub, I walked out and went and sat in the car with the door open (I was sitting half in half out) and he pushed the door hard shut against my legs to get past which cut my shin. Another time he got frustrated with me (I was sitting on the sofa) and he grabbed my shoulders near to my neck in a kind of 'make your mind up' kind of way. I left a cinema once because the film we were seeing was making me feel ill (too violent) and he got annoyed with me sitting it out. When I walked in the car park afterwards he shoved me in frustraion. I don't know why he is like this with me - he said he never argued with his previous long term girlfriend of 5 years (but he did cheat on her once and said she never wanted to do much so I don't think he respected her). I cannot work out whether I really do bring out the worst in him as I am fiery myself or whether these are signs of worse to come. I am scared because my ex was sometimes physical but mainly mentally abusive and I am doubting my judgment. Often my boyrfriend is kind and thoughtful and has been loyal to me. I have brushed it away with thoughts that he has intense feelings about our relationship but something inside me can't ignore it anymore.
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female
reader, I'llTryToHelp  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 First of all, YOU have done nothing to cause him to act this way! If you do a little research on the internet or at the book store about abusers, the abuse, control and anger is always blamed on the victim. Don't for an instant think it's your fault, with your boyfriend or with your ex. Women tend to choose the same kind of men over and over. Scary...Second of all, you only have his story of what went on with his previous girlfriend. What do you think he would say to someone about your relationship problems? Would he take any of the blame for any of the problems you're havining right now? I don't think so based on what you've written..Thirdly, you need to get far away from him. He is a typical abuser and he's NOT gonna stop or change for you. He's shown you his true colors and now you need to move on while you still can. I know it's hard but you can do it. You'll be happier because you sure aren't happy now.Good Luck!
A
female
reader, jazz25  +, writes (1 June 2008):
For me my dear, better loosen yourself from that guy. Women are not meant to be beaten up. As long as you're not married yet, set yourself free from him. You'll see the worst of him when you two will be together. Also, you said our ex husband was also abusive, try to check also on yourself on how things started up? What makes them angry? What have you done to make them act that way? Maybe its time to check also on yourself.For now my dear, get yourself out.
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A
male
reader, bobbay123 +, writes (1 June 2008):
He sounds like a bad person. Don't stay with him.You love him but he's becoming violent, in such a manner that he's bruising/injuring you.That's not love, that's abuse.You can't let your feelings get in the way of this.You should try and leave him as soon as possible.You don't bring out the worst in Men. Your stories provide evidence for that. Unless this is one half to a story or you've written it in a biased manner (I seriously doubt you have) then you have done nothing wrong and this relationship should be brought to an end.Men are supposed to protect Women, not hurt them.
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A
female
reader, toni246 +, writes (1 June 2008):
No one should make you feel this way. If i had a boyfriend who would treat me like or even pushed me and badly bruised me i would walk out straight away. He shouldnt be saying anything about your previous relationship because it has got nothing to do with him wether it did end in a good or bad way what matters now is the present. I know that you may love him but just go and meet someone else or just be single and have fun.
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