A
female
age
36-40,
*esirewhitefire
writes:A couple weeks ago I went out on a date with this guy. I'll call him Brett. We were introduced through a mutual friend. At first he seemed like a really nice guy and we talked through email and over the phone for a couple days before he asked me out on a date. We go out on this date, and he was creeping me the hell out. He totally changed his demeanor towards me. I caught him quite audibly sniffing my hair when we sat in the movie theater. He kept trying to accidentally brush my chest. At dinner he kept making these suggestions that he wanted to get serious with me. We had only been face to face for about 2 hours at this point. He even dropped hints he would like to live in the city. In my house. After quite forcibly pushing himself on me against my car, I tried to claim I was tired and needed to get home. He then sent me texts for the rest of the night, telling me he wanted me to be his "bad kitty" and that he wanted to "spank" my "pussy". I tried to be nice to him after that, although I had no plans to see him again. He didn't seem very stable emotionally so I didn't want to make it worse for him. I tried to let a couple days go with minimal chatting. I would respond politely to him and keep the little conversations we had mundane. This did not go well with him. He lives an hour away from me. In my stupidity I gave him my address the night we were planning our date in case he decided that he had time to pick me up from my home. He drove all the way to my house in the city last night and showed up on my doorstep at 10pm. I stood outside on the porch with him for a little while, thinking maybe he just needed to talk. I didn't dare invite him in my house while I was alone. He says that he needs to know what's going on between us. He made it sound like we were dating for years and that I needed to make a decision on whether we were breaking up or not. I told him that I wasn't very interested in dating anyone singularly at the moment and that I still wanted to be open to other options. He then said "I want you to be my girlfriend. I drove all the way down here so you should be." I told him I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone. At this point I'm starting to expect some sort of emotional problems with him and that he has some sort of rejection problem. I tried very hard to let him down easily, but he wouldn't listen to me. I managed to get him to leave my house after about an hour. He is blowing my phone up with texts, asking me if I could ever love him because he's in love with me. I'm sick over this, I don't want him around me and he's making himself impossible to deal with. I don't want to anger him because if he does have an emotional issue then he may start stalking me or even hurt himself. How can I deal with this? I can't just recommend that he goes to see a professional because he probably has in the past and will get angry that I suspect he has issues. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): this guy sound scary and im a guy
get police help
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 every one has given you excellent advice
sever all contact that means block his number or anything else... if you can't.. IGNORE HIM
have backup plans
make sure your mutual friend knows the severity of the problem
check and see if you can get a restraining order or order of protection...
if you must be alone WATCH your back... do not open the door when home alone or only with other women... keep the door locked
keep your car doors locked and check the back seat BEFORE you get in.
this is a very scary person he is disturbed. it's sad but YOU have to protect YOU.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 The other aunts have explained it very well.
Be VERY clear with this man and do not give him any open ended answers. You are NOT interested in meeting him, and this is non negotiable. You don't owe him any explanation or justification.
Stop ALL contact with him, tell your common friend about this, do not leave out any details.
Do not ever meet him alone, not even if he claims its for "one last time".
Whoever you live with, family or a roommate, tell them that this is happening. People around you should know everything to be able to help as soon as needed, if the need arises.
Do not hesitate to inform the police if this gets out of hand.
You dont have to be "nice" to him in any way. You are in no way responsible for this man, and you dont have to worry about him hurting himself. That is not your concern. Your safety is paramount, to hell with him.
Please keep us updated. Be strong and dont get flustered...it will be fine. All the best
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Firmly tell him you aren't interested and that you are sorry, but you will not see him nor talk to him again. Tell your mutual friend also. Don't say why, just say that it wasn't a match.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I agree with everyone else...it's up to you to put on your mean face and tell him his attention isn't welcome. Sometimes when you're infatuated with people, you only believe what you want to. It's a common story with women too...but we usually aren't tasked with pursuing the other person.
This guy can't seem to take a hint so you might have to speak slowly and clearly to him to make sure it gets through. Before involving the police, I would make sure you explicitly tell him you are NOT interested in seeing him again and don't want him to come to your house unannounced. (via voice and in writing)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
 To follow up on maverick's excellent advice, tell your mutual friend that Brett has become a problem, in that he appears to be stalking you. Find out more about him and see if she/he knows more about Brett than she/he let you know about. This is not the first time Brett has been a problem to a date, I'm pretty sure. I would also tell this mutual friend to tell Brett that you want Brett to go away and stop harassing you.
Call the local women's shelter to see if they have any advice that they can offer you in this situation. I've found one that maybe you can read through to help you decide the level of response you need to take.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/identify-deal-stalker-forensic-psychiatrist-michael-welner/story?id=9801963
I'm sure there are others.
I'd consider paying for a police and court report on the guy so you know what you might be facing and possibly getting an attorney friend to write up a 'cease and desist' type letter as well.
This guy has done this in the past and there's likely a history of incidents surrounding him.
I'd be very clear and consistent in the few responses you make to him: "I'm not interested in dating you. Stop contacting me now." "Stop contacting me now. You are scaring me and I have notified friends and police." "Stop contacting me."
Save and print out all your contacts with him to make sure there's a paper trail of the whole thing.
Tell your friends and family about this guy and make sure they know you are concerned about the situation.
That's all I can think of for you, I'm not an expert. Maybe getting legal help through the women's shelter links would be the best bet?
Stop trying to preserve his feelings, start taking steps to preserve your own boundaries. Don't think "be nice", think "be clear" and "end contact".
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This guy sounds dangerous! I know they say honesty is the best policy buy in this case i would lie my butt off to get him uninterested in me. Tell him you have realized your a lesbian and in love with your best friend and your so sorry.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (2 June 2011):
 I tried to be nice to him after that,Why do you feel you are obligated to be nice to someone who treated you so disrespectfully and sexually objectified you.You owe him NOTHING.YOU OWE YOURSELF PEACE OF MIND AND SECURITY.You should have been honest with him by telling him that you did not think the two of you clicked together very well and it has to be the decision of BOTH people if they are a couple.He seems scary and controlling. I would have ONE more direct conversation and let him know to not call you again, because you will not be dating him. THEN BLOCK HIS NUMBER. If he dares to show up at your door or pursues you any other way, let him know you will file stalking charges and MEAN IT.DO NOT be in a situation to be alone. Let family, freinds and even neighbors that you have a stalker. Give them a description of this guy.ANYONE who believes they are in love after ONE date is just plain nuts. If you have handled it respectfully and responsibily, then you have done all you can. You are not responsible for him or his feelings. You are responsible for your own safety.Call your local police department (not 911, but for information) to ask for advice about a potential problem with an aggressive stalker.Consider moving if you can! In the future, NEVER have a date KNOW where you live until you have established they are seriously sane. Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (2 June 2011):
You don't want to be mean to him. Well his behavior doesn't really leave you with any other options than being straight with him. To be honest, he sounds like a disturbed and possibly even dangerous person. Does this mutual friend know of this other side of him? Anyway, take action, be harsh if you must. You wouldn't do this normally, but then this is hardly a normal situation:
#1. Tell him you tried to give him hints but that you are not interested in being with him and that you do not wish to see him again. If he asks don't waver and just tell him you're not interested "end of story." Once you start discussing it with him it will (in his mind) turn into a negotiation.
#2. Get a new phone or atleast change your number.
#3. Get a backup system. That means friends that come along with you when you meet him to tell him you're not interested. Update them on your situation, so they know what's going on and are available for support.
#4. If he doesn't relent, get the police involved. Yes this sounds overdone, but like I said, he sounds like a disturbed person who may harm you. You can never be too careful. After all he did try to force himself on you.
#5. Speaking of careful, take more safety measures. Like carrying pepper spray on you for example.
#5. After you tell him you don't want anything to do with him anymore, cut all contact.
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