A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I hope I can get some advise on this. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. The relationship is fine but I have never once had an orgasm with him, I can by myself but not with him. The sex is just awful and always leaves me frustrated. No matter what I try with him or suggest he says no he is a typical wham bham thank you mam and never lasts more than 5 minutes and that is being kind. I would consider myself a sexual person and open minded to new ideas but he is not. I am running out of patience and I know this might sound so shallow but I am considering breaking up with him over this. I have tried to talk to him about it but he really does not care and I have tried lots of different things and even if I try different positions with him he just comes too quickly anyway. Sorry for being graphic but should I break up with him over this?. Is it shallow?. I hope you can help. Thanks.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 April 2011):
Hello again. It's clear that you can't continue on in this way any longer.You have tolerated it for 5 years now!Whenever there is an unsatisfying sex life, it ultimately affects your whole relationship. To make love, is the physical way you show how you care about that person and that you find them attractive and worthy.Making love is a form of communication. If you don't communicate well outside of the bedroom, well then the sex is probably a bit DIS-connected as well.Do you actually feel emotionally connected?As you don't seem to be getting through to him, it might now be the time to consider whether you really want to stay with him.It's a good thing you are not married!While I'm on the subject of marriage, would you really want to be with him forever if things didn't change in the bedroom? The answer probably is "No".How is the rest of your relationship?It almost seems like the whole thing is just a habit, something you've both gotten used to over the 5 years you've been together. A bit like a pair of comfy old slippers.Time for some newness!!Another afterthought is - what about trying sex in different locations?(1) Go for a picnic - in a private spot - then have sex afterwards.(2) Go for a bushwalk in your nearest park - then when you are in complete wilderness (and no-one is around), have sex.Obviously, points (1) and (2) are not done nude, in case anyone comes near.(3) Have sex in the car. Probably best at night, after you've already been out somewhere. Just park in a secluded spot, so you have some privacy. Take a blanket with you, so you don't get cold.A change is as good as a holiday.If you can't change your technique - well then change your location. Sometimes - not all the time. Say once a week.The point I'm making, is variety. Variety adds fun to it.Sex must be fun. It's not meant to be serious at all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your replies and advise but I truly have tried to talk to him, and no he wont try oral he expects me to go down on him but he says he will never do that and point blankly refuses and as for fingers he does sometimes but he will not take direction at all if I tell him what to do he just gets upset believe me I have tried EVERYTHING and all kinds of positions but its just not there. I have to face reality and realise he is just selfish in that regard. Thanks for advise everyone.
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A
female
reader, Coryna +, writes (20 April 2011):
your boyfriend probably masturbates too much that is why the sex is so short.
from personal experience my husband when he is on top i do not orgasm.Try you on top. its the only solution. works everytime within a couple minutes. try back and forth not in and out, if you are not getting off you need to take control!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): You're not shallow.
I'm of the opinion that sex and sexual compatibility is absolutely important to a relationship. If your lack of orgasm hasn't bothered him after 5 years, then I think he sounds selfish and uninterested in your pleasure. If you look around this site, I think you’d notice there are plenty of men who want to make women happy sexually and derive a sense of pride in making their partners happy… they write in questions every day about how to do it better. If I were in your position, I would have broken up with him years ago.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen +, writes (19 April 2011):
 I can't blame you for being left frustrated. The bottom line seems to be that he gets his satisfaction but isn't at all concerned about you.I think you should break up, not because you cannot have an orgasm with him, but because he is complacent and not prepared to make an effort for you. After 5 years you should expect more respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Male anon is wise. Great advice. Good luck on this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): well since he's a minute man, he doesn't try to do anything for you once he's happy and satisfied? he won't even go down on you or use his hands to finish, nothing? just leaves you frustrated and doesn't even consider you? in five years of sex, he's never worried about your gratification?? that's crazy to me. i can't imagine being like that with my girl. i would feel like less of a man if i couldn't please her like that. i'm more worried about pleasing her and making her feel good more so than my own self. you really need to seriously assert your feelings on this and not be gentle about it, since you have no other choice due to his lack of listening or caring. tell him this selfish crap's got to stop. there's two people participating in the sexual act.. and only one of them is being fulfilled. be real with him. no sugar-coating, nothing. tell him you're seriously considering leaving him if he doesn't change. and give him a chance to fix it. if he still isn't, then i would leave him. i know that sounds really insensitive, but if he loves you, he'll want to please you. and he'll do what it takes to make you happy.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 April 2011):
Hi there. There might not be enough foreplay leading up to the actual sex.
Maybe you could encourage him to spend more time on the foreplay, so you will feel more aroused for sex and with more chance of an orgasm.
Just tell him to slow down a little, and not be in so much of a hurry to get to the main course.
The entree is just as enjoyable, and if there is not enough foreplay, there might not be an orgasm at all! This seems to be the case, doesn't it?
The time to talk about it is NOT in the bedroom when you are about to have sex, but at another time altogether where you can talk about it in detail and come to some mutual understanding.
Only then can you start to work on the problem.
If the rest of the relationship is otherwise pretty good, well then the sex potentially, could be sorted out fairly easily.
If the relationship is just average, well then the sex might be playing a part in any problems you are having.
You do need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a proper discussion about it, and if things don't change or he refuses to do anything, it might be time to change your boyfriend!
Five years is a long time to put up with an unsatisfactory sex life. You deserve better than this, surely.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, higgy +, writes (19 April 2011):
What about oral? My ex was awful in bed and didn't last long so he would always get me off through oral before penetration... What if he gets off through masturbates or oral right before sex? That made my ex last a little longer. Pills is something you could look into also. Trust me I understand your frustration. I went a year and a half without an orgasm.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Shallow? No.
I think you need to just tell him, straight out, that either he starts giving this some attention or you will leave him over it.
Be aware that he might be embarrassed about certain things that he doesn't do well and he might just be pretending not to care because he doesn't think he can do any better. Like cumming too fast. Or just being unable to satisfy you in general.
Either way I think you will feel tons better if he just made you feel like he cared and would put some effort into making it better for you. Let him know that you need this from him as much as you need the improvements in the actual sex.
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