A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This question is quite embarrassing for me to admit. I have been with my boyfriend for close to a year. I am having a problem more and more lately with not being able to get an orgasm unless I give him dirty talk involving a made up scenerio with him and other women having sex. This has evolved into him and ex girlfriends, his past virgins, women he finds attractive on the street and even as far as me giving him dirty magazines to look at. The sex is good but he prefers and gets aroused only if he gives me oral first. I need to talk about what I want him doing to other women to get off faster. Let me clarify that I love my boyfriend and get jealous when women do look at him. He does not add to what I'm saying but admits to sometimes getting aroused and getting mad at me equally. I don't want to hear I'm driving him away because he does love me and plans to marry me. I just want to know what I can do because I can't stop myself. Thinking this stuff internally doesn't help because I get satisfaction from his aroused response. Please help me in suggesting alternatives or if anyone has lost a mate over this. Thanks.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (28 October 2010):
Hi there. It's not uncommon to have some fantasies during lovemaking. It's quite normal.
The problem seems to be that saying it all out loud, is kind of getting in the way of real pleasure. Even though you say it doesn't work for you just keeping it to yourself in your mind.
You have become dependent on it out of habit, and so believe there is no other way to make orgasm happen for you.
For orgasm to occur, it's really necessary to be totally in the present moment. Talking to him out loud about him and his exes, is a distraction from your ability to feel your own body's sensations. It is really getting in the way.
Perhaps at first when you started going out, it worked well for you then. But now the novelty is wearing thin.
From what you say, it partly turns your boyfriend on, but it also makes him a bit angry as well, because you are bringing other people into the bedroom with you. So in a pshychological way, it's not just you and him. In that way, it's taking away from the whole experience.
He's not being with you the way he would really like to be. What's happening is you are not really there mentally, because you are seeing yourself as an outsider looking in - because of the mention of all these women from his past and him, being together. Do you get that?
You are only talking about them and him - not you and him. So you are not part of the story at all. You're just telling the story. So not only are you not mentally in the story, you are not physically in it either. So it's like you are watching a pornographic movie in your mind.
You would do much better to concentrate instead, on all the tiny little sensations that are going on in your body - even as subtle as they are to begin with. Enjoying them in complete silence (without words), and actually allowing them to build to the point of orgasm. Just leave out the dialogue. Enjoy yourself instead.
When you start genuinely enjoying yourself, that will turn your boyfriend on much more than any sexy stories ever would, believe me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): i don't think there is a problem at all. What you are doing is normal. My partner does the same thing and we have been together for 8 years now.
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