A
male
age
41-50,
*antelis0383
writes:Well, firstly this is a great forum.Hi, My problem is that I cannot get my girlfriends number of sex partners out of my mind..:(I Try though..I would appreciate very much answers from women and don't be ruff on me.I know I shouldn't care,and that it's wrong,But hear me out..I am a 23 year old man that, has, somehow the same problem.I've recently met a girl 21 that has been with 14 guys of which 3 of them where good relationships and lasted 4 years.She started her sex life at 16.Do the math.I on the other hand, have had 7 sexual partners.I am and try to be an open minded person.I am not looking for a virgin,and didn't have this kind of problem in the past.I feel disappointed by my self for feeling this way.And first of all tried to analyze what is actually bothering me.Well it has to do with the fact that I am 23 and had 7 partners and she is 21 and had 14.Double than me.It's not that I feel threatened by that fact.I 've thought about it.It's more becuse:You see,I am a handsome man,women like me, clever, educated.. and I have a rich emotional worldIn other words,a nearly extinct species. And am one of the guys,that in about 6-7 years women would love to marry.I make women feel nice,and am one of the few guys that knows what he is doing when he goes for "hunting".In other words I am very smooth.I am picky.I 've been with only 7 women but,I " fought my way through " and somehow "deserved it"In this part I must state that although I am young,I think I found my girl.I feel very annoyed by the well known story,A clever and attractive girl gets all the attention from men"gets slutty" and sleeps with a lot of men without a lot of effort.Then one day at 25 she "decides to see things differently".Feels sorry for her past life and seeks out the good men.The kind of men in my category.I feel it's unfair to me.I make her happy both by being the good guy,and for "keeping myself for her".And what do I get for that?Depression and nightmares.I know it's wrong of me feeling like this,and I cannot discuss it with her cause,she would think I judge her and I do not respect her.I really admire women for not feeling like this.I want this kind of thoughts to stop.Is there a way?Thanks.
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female
reader, xSarax  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Pantelis0383. Did it work when you called your girlfriend a slut and then asked her to talk about her past? Just out of interest?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): xSarax has some valid points, but she is inexperienced in this, from what I can tell.But, I know what you are going through because it happened to me. I found out about my gf's number through her drunk college friend. Ooops. They are no longer friends.Hearing your heartbreak instantly brought up my own feelings. An NO ONE on this board can say anything, unless they experinced it for themselves. It's trying to describe to someone what it's like to smoke weed. You can, but they won't be able to really feel it.What I CAN tell you is that your feelings have merit, and don't hide them. I felt that my gf was a slut as well. Because...well she was. Double standards are part of our view of the world. Just like seeing a young man crying on the street is weirder to see than a teenage girl crying on that same street corner. You can't helpbut think nasty thought about someone you love. It doesn't make youlove them any less, no. I can tell you right now, that you aren't even angry at her...rather, you are disappointed with her. I know how it feels. Trust me.I confronted my girlfriend about her past one nights stands. Because previously had lied to me about the number. I, like you, have had serious past commitments (situations where I made an investment, and made it worth it), my number was 4, hers was 8. She regrets it all (save a few good relationships)...but the two of us talking about it helped me to understand her better, and more importantly, helped HER tounderstand HERSELF better. She never confronted her past, she merely tried to bury it. Convenient, but not healthy emotionally or mentally. She thought if she just didn't think about it,it would go away. But each time she did, she just ended up hooking up with someone else and gettingtaken advantage of again. In the end, after I forced her to really analyze herself and think about things with reason and logic, she determined that she was a girl with really low self esteem, who had a very controlling mother, and was too trusting. She loved the attention from the boys, and didn't realise that she could have gotten more out of it emotionally if she didn't always put out after knowing them for 2 hours. She started to see a therapist to flesh out her feelings about her past, and what she wanted for the future. More importantly, she started to be honest with ME. Talking about it all helped her, something she would not have done without me making her confront her past. I'm not saying this will work for you, but it did for me. She is still my princess, and I would do anything for her. And it pains me that some loser guys in her past screwed her over.As far as your feelings...time will heal everything. I know it sounds cliche, but it does. It really reminds me of that one scene in Swingers, where Ron Livingston says how it hurts less and less every day. Give it time...seriously.
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A
female
reader, xSarax +, writes (11 July 2007):
Thankyou 'eyeswideopen' for backing uo my point of which the 'oringinal poster' is being unfair to his girlfriend. That is the main point that I was putting across.
To 'Yos' I am not giving abuse but merely my opinion. Sometimes people call me confrontational, maybe that word would be more suitable.
"Empathy" (- a faculty and a virtue, is a combination of Imagination and the Love of God that gives complete understanding of what others are feeling. Develop empathy, which is born of Christlike Compassion, because self-based sympathy invites life to kick your teeth in.
miriams-well.org/Glossary/.)
The word 'empathy' was a good choice.
I'm sure pantelis0383 did not write to this website expecting that people were'nt going to give their full views on the matter.
People take critisism differently than others because everyone is different, you thought that I was abusing the original poster. But I am not.
But I have registered to this website to give my personal opinion and I feel that I have given that.
I feel that I have defended those women who are in a position like the original posters girlfriend.
I EMPHASIZE women like pantelis0383's girlfriend who have been named over the number of sex partners they have had.
But sex is a part of learning and growing up.
I appologise if I have offended anyone. I have not wrote to this website to do that.
And I am not writing here anonymously my name is Sara Quinn and I am here to help not fight, I fight in my everyday life thanks. x.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 July 2007):
 From the many previous postings from people having trouble accepting their partner's past sex lives, I can only say that this problem you are having does not bode well for your relationship. If you can't let the past stay in the past then it will only keep eating at you. It is unfair to you AND unfair to your girlfriend to dwell on this issue. People come in a package deal, either you accept them as they are (and any past baggage) or you don't.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 xSarax this site is for giving advice to people, not abuse. Don't take your anger out on people anonymously online.
You are putting words into his mouth, accusing him of things he hasn't said. In particular, you accuse him of promoting a double standard. I don't think he is... he's not saying its 'ok for men and not ok for women'. In fact, he's saying its not ok for either. And he says he's disappointed in himself for the feelings he's having. Yes he's having a hard time with negative feelings towards her, but he's here because he knows they are not a good thing and because he wants to let go of them.
This problem is about love, respect and judgment. It's about finding a way to absolutely respect the person you love, and to not judge their past framed within your subjective perception, but rather understand it from their point of view and in the context of their life. Responding with anger, more judgment, and without empathy is not the way to improve things.
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A
female
reader, xSarax +, writes (9 July 2007):
Happy to chat. I was suprised when i read that you were a girl. Obviously you yourself havent been called a "slut". Obviously you agree that men have the right to slate women with a past sex life. And demean them by calling them a slut.
You said that you are in a simialr sposition yourself. In a way i can see way you wrote what you did. Unless you are gay I presume that you were in a relationship with a male.
To put my point across. I am going to use an example.
A black man calls a white man an offensive name and it is not frowned upon.
But the the white man calls a black man a name and the white man gets called racist.
I myself am not a racist person I am merely trying to prove the point that men can enjoy sex and not get named but if a women did what the man did then she would get called a slut. Then have a repretation for being one aswell.
The question that was wrote by pantelis0383 really aggrivated me.
He is stereotyping his girlfriend into the slut category and then trying to defend himself most probably because he has been out for a beer with his male friends and they have told him he is right to think that his girlfriend is a slut.
And you agree with them.
When somebody calls you a slut then you wont 'ignore' what i have to say.
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A
female
reader, xSarax +, writes (6 July 2007):
You'll only get better at what by the way?
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A
female
reader, beth88 +, writes (2 July 2007):
 I play the role in my relationship as the girlfriend who's boyfriend seems to feel similarly.The thing is, I've never had sex before him; he's the furthest I've ever gone with, but the fact that I have had 3 serious relationships to his 1 bothers him in the way that it bothers you.The fact that you referred to your girlfriend as a slut tears at me personally a bit, because I hope to God my boyfriend doesn't think that about me secretly.It's healthy for a girl to date and experience as she grows up, I think. Holding this over her head doesn't seem right to me.Live in the now: obviously you're her main focus, and if the thought "What if she's thinking of one of her past guys at night instead of me?", push that out of your head immediately, because it's most definitely not the case.You seem narcissistic, but assuming you're the kind of man you say you are, you're her main focus, and she's probably trying to forget about her past so that she can enjoy her life with you that she has now.So please, don't torture her by talking about her behind her back and trying to make her feel cheap. Chances are, she's tortured herself for a while, trying to make herself the person she wants to be so that she can settle down with someone she truly loves. She doesn't need that someone making her feel worse or reminding her of a past she wants to forget.
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A
male
reader, simple  +, writes (1 July 2007):
hey... stumbled on this website by googling "i know how you must feel"... lolso why are your having this dilemma?i'm going to assume you are pastany sort of adolescent performance anxiety andyoure not comparing yourself to her other partnersif that's true then that leaves... the effects of social programming! the sooner you can learn to reject the programming,the better off you will be in your relationships.what i mean by social programming? it is too big a concept to take on in a short response.but, suffice it to say, it is what makes us concerned about things like 'promiscuity'.solution: think for yourself. get a grip on your OWN values. not society's. trust meon this one.women are in a much more intense spot when it comes to social programming than are men. society is judging them all the time. you cannont solve that problem overnight...but you can, as one man, give her a chance to free herself if only fora time, from the stranglehold society's 'morality' has on her and all women. she already has society's pressure on her to be 'respectable'. what she needs from you is to free herfrom that. relax.what are YOUR values? answer that and you'll know what to do.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (30 June 2007):
I just read some of the previous answers, in particular one from xSarax...I would ignore what she has had to say. She doesn't understand how you are feeling. Personally I know how you feel and am going through a similar situation at the moment to be honest don't know how to get through it. But I jsut thought I would tell you you arent the only one who feels like this and you have the RIGHT to feel how you do. Dont let anyone like the previous answers make you think your feelings are invalid, because they arent, they are valid.
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A
male
reader, cyclemeover +, writes (30 June 2007):
One way to get this overreaction to stop is to get over the past. Her past experience with other men should not be a barometer for how you view her in your relationship.
What you should be focused on is the fact that she was willing to give you an accurate number. Would you rather she had said she was a virgin until she met you? It would save your ego... but so much for any trust.
I think you should have attained a new level of respect for her after she was willing to be honest about such a delicate and personal subject. She obviously trusts and respects you enough to disclose that information the least you could do is return the courtesy. And Next time, Dont ask her a question if you know your not mentally or emotionally capable of handling the answer you get.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Look it up.
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A
male
reader, pantelis0383 +, writes (29 June 2007):
pantelis0383 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJudge me.I 'll only get better.
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A
female
reader, xSarax +, writes (29 June 2007):
I don't even think you deserve an anwser to be honest. But anyway heres mine.
I think that you should get off your high horse and welcome to the real world.
Your not in love.
You don't know what love is.
And i hope your not carrying on this relationship whilst acting like a BOY.
By reading your "problem", I don't believe in a second that anyone would want to marry you. And if they did they should take a look at what you've been writing.
And yes I will be rough on you.
Do you not think that they're attractive people on here aswell?
You don't understand women so don't be giving it all that bigging yourself up. It doesn't matter how many people she has slept with. I bet shes far to good for you.
you've just been judged. How do you like it?
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A
male
reader, pantelis0383 +, writes (29 June 2007):
pantelis0383 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell It was to easy to judge me wasn't it.Well you have a point, being I shouldn't use the slut word.But I was referring to what my imagination creates as a senario.I can see how I seem narcissistic...though I never said I was perfect,andI wrongly tried to state plain reasons why I am and would be attractive in the future.And I am only being referring for sex partners.I maybe an ugly man thnx..if you find me one, perhaps I am.I 'll only say that I am trying to abandon any instincts that differ from what i seek to be right.
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A
male
reader, sixth sense +, writes (29 June 2007):
You want a woman that has experience in the bed and in relationships. By getting what she doesn't want makes her know what she does. To know what is good you must first know what is bad. Be happy man at least she can give you an accurate number of past partners.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): There is no way you even understand what love is as you just listed the superficial, wordly reasons why some woman would find you attractive. What about the real traits a woman wants in a man?
Compassionate, loving, understanding, caring, willingness to listen, can be humble, forgiving, honesty, a man of integrity?
There is no way a man who is in love with a woman, would even deem or consider to label her slutty and no " " will soften this ugly word. How could you come on here and say that about her?
It's not unfair to you in anyway. That you can honestly consider yourself someone who is better and deserves better because you had a different moral influence life path? Condemning her for learning the "hard way"?
She loves you and if she even knew what you were saying such things about her behind her back...she would realize just how ugly a man you are and just how small and weak your heart and mind is. This is the farthest from appealing or attractive. No man of integrity would gossip and insult the woman he loves behind her back.
I think you need to seek counselling as your narcissictic tendancies may get in the way of a potentially good, loving, fulfilling relationship.
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A
male
reader, pantelis0383 +, writes (29 June 2007):
pantelis0383 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks second anonymous female reader:)
I think also..
It has to do with the fact that I don't like when women are treated with "submission" in sex.
And I hate with the idea that she felt that way.
And I know that is what most of the guys do.
You are right about the "unfair" part though.
I don't know,
maybe I feel its not fair cause I will have
the chance to have lots of experience and I am ready to give it all away for her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): Oh I see you have replied to it already.
If you didn't get what you were looking for from 175 answers previously then you aren't going to find it here...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): Hi there,
You are far from being alone in going through those feelings, take a look at this thread. It will take you a while to read(!) but you will probably get a lot of insight and help from the other replies...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-cant-i-get-my-gfs-past-sex-life-out-of-my-head.html
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 June 2007):
 The anonymous answerer is absolutely right. Now, I want to add some male perspective. Doesnt't her previous experience make her a better lovemaker? What if YOU had more sexual experience than her? Maybe you feel that somewhat you won't be up to her expectations?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): You should analyse why it feels "unfair" to you. I am a girl who fits the description of your girlfriend, and I can assure you that I am very devoted to my boyfriend whenever I am in a relationship, and I have never cheated. I am beautiful, but when I was in high school I had some self esteem-issues. I guess that's why I sought attention from boys. However it left me feeling empty inside.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): For starters, what she did before you is a)none of your business, and b)the past. Sounds like you think quite highly of yourself (not that there is much particularly wrong with that)and that you have standards that you feel this girl has not lived up to for whatever reason.
Do you get along well? Are you compatible? Do you love her? Do you communicate well? These are important things. How many men she has slept with is not one of them, and the fact that it matters at all shows that in some ways you are still very young and still have some growing up to do. When you're 40, believe me, it doesn't matter, in fact, it's doubtful you'll even care enough to ask.
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