A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Help... I am in despair. I have been seeing a married man for a year who has been going through emotional abuse due to his wife having affairs and her having control of his life. He just cannot seem to walk away. We have chatted for 3 years before that where he maintained he loved her, but even her family say she is manipulative and he should be careful. She seems to just use him for money, yet he continues to jump to her tune if she calls etc. They work 200 miles away from each other and when they live in the same house, they have seperate bedrooms.Just before we got closer he got prostate cancer and his wife still went off with her boyfriend. We shared hugs etc and found a closeness we have both enjoyed very much, but because I cannot live this double life in secret he has now broken contact and wants space. I know he is afraid of losing his son who is closer to his wife, and it appears he also participates in bullying. This man has quite a powerful job making his homelife quite strange that he puts up with this.Can any man reading this give me any clue as to what maybe going on in his head?I miss him terribly but do not think breaking the space a good idea.
View related questions:
affair, emotionally abusive, married man, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (14 April 2011):
 I sympathize and all, but i can't omit his and your infidelity, even if his wife is the she bitch you described. She cheats, he cheats(with you).Hard to see it when your involved, but your double life ends with you stopping this, not him leaving her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): bottom line: he is married, and no matter how much you feel like a victim, he is NOT going to leave his wife because he just doesnt want to. so you can wait until the cows come home for your married man, but listen to his words: he wants space away from you. he wants out.
no one forces him to be with this wife. so butt out and let things be.
his wife and himsel both have had affairs and perhaps they cannot live without each other.
you sound like a nice person. too nice to wait for a married man to leave his wife. you are also too naive. stop claiming his wife is abusing him. she is not. whatever the status of his marriage it is of no concern to you.
this married man has made a decision and well, you need to respect it.
[sorry this is not the answer you want but you need to leave well alone]
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, beth123455 +, writes (14 April 2011):
It seems to me that he is getting the best of both worlds. His wife may be controlling and all the things she has done may be true, but it might not be all as bad as he says as you dont know what goes on behind closed doors. He comes to you to get away from anything bad that happens which to me sounds like he is using you then going home to his family. Every married couple has problems and any real man would face up to them and sort them out instead of needing another womans shoulder to cry on. He is just as bad as his wife and you are stuck in the middle, i would get out before it goes too far :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's funny how I realise I could not possibly put the prior 3 years into a paragraph or two, but prior to getting more physically involved due to the prostate cancer, our conversations were around his 'distancing' himself from her. That was before our relationship changed. He isn't lying, there would have been no point as I had no axe to grind. There is no deceit or delusion, just his confusion. He has never told me a single lie and I trust him completely. I just wish I understood why he can stay attached so long to such a cold user. I have been to his home and they have seperate living rooms and bedrooms. I also know the man she is having an affair with, and has been for 7 years. He beleives she has bipolar and needs his support.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Yes, he doesn't want to leave her, and you are barking up the wrong tree for a meaningful relationship beyond friendship.
Seriously, you need to move on if you want something more than friendship.
Friendship is fine, but you sound like you want more, and that is the problem.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Some affairs work out. But when the husband moans about the wife but doesn't leave her it's a v bad sign. He's spinning lies to you. If he wanted you he'd leave her and be with you. We all believe what we want to. And it suits you to believe he's hard done by and his wife torments him but truth is actions speak louder than words. And his actions are that he is a married man with you as his bit on the side. End of story.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe 3 years prior to his prostate cancer were just friends as we shared our despair during my own marriage break-up (no one else involved).
His expressing the torment of his wife's behavious and no approach to me for sex. He was as good a listener to me as I was to him. He cannot have anything 'on the side' as he has had major surgery, so we can only hug and love. In fact it has shown me how sex is secondary to having a loving relationship.
I have known this man 4 years now, of which we only met twice in the first 3 years. We just used each other as emotional support which meant complete honesty.
I guess some people just see the marriage and cynically decide that everyone must therefore be lying and cheating?
This man is genuine. I just find it hard to accept such a strong man otherwise can be a victim of such abuse. Over the years he scores 90% of the criteria on web sites about it from before the prostate cancer. In fact she went on holiday and left him the day of his surgery. Cheating does not fit here.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe 3 years prior to his prostate cancer were just friends as we shared our despair during my own marriage break-up (no one else involved).
His expressing the torment of his wife's behavious and no approach to me for sex. He was as good a listener to me as I was to him. He cannot have anything 'on the side' as he has had major surgery, so we can only hug and love. In fact it has shown me how sex is secondary to having a loving relationship.
I have known this man 4 years now, of which we only met twice in the first 3 years. We just used each other as emotional support which meant complete honesty.
I guess some people just see the marriage and cynically decide that everyone must therefore be lying and cheating?
This man is genuine. I just find it hard to accept such a strong man otherwise can be a victim of such abuse. Over the years he scores 90% of the criteria on web sites about it from before the prostate cancer. In fact she went on holiday and left him the day of his surgery. Cheating does not fit here.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 April 2011):
 I'm not a man, but as an objective observer who isn't too close to the action to see the big picture, I will say that you're not getting the whole story about this thing.
First, you're seeing a married man who says that his wife is "emotionally abusing him" and is having affairs and controlling him. He's afraid of losing his son. First of all, in regards to the issue with his son, it's bull not to divorce his wife and cheat with you. Just the thought of cheating will turn his son against him faster than leaving his mom. If this mom is really a selfish abusing tyrant he said she was, then the son would see that and understand.
Second, why is this husband not leaving his wife due to this abuse in the first place? instead, he's sticking with her AND backing off from you. Sorry, but that isn't adding up as well.
It's a well known fact that 90% of what a married man says to a woman about his wife is crap, because he knows that he has to put on a convincing argument in order to get a woman to cheat with him. Most of us think that married men who cheat on their wives (and married women who cheat on husbands for that matter) are low class lying ass cheaters. To compare them to pond scum is to insult pond scum everywhere. In order to convince a woman to sleep with them, they have to pain a picture of abject misery at the hands of their evil, neglectful, withholding, also-cheating spouses. If he were to have told you that his wife was a good one, that he loved her, and that she took care of his children with love, you'd never sleep with him!
In short, his words are worthless. His actions tell the story. He wanted to use you as an escape. He loves his wife and has no intention of leaving her. When you pressed to have all of him, he cut you out of his life. ACTIONS speak louder than words.
Let's say I suspend my disbelief to swallow that his wife is this evil shew who screws around on him over and over, controls him, and is sucking him dry like a gold-digging vampire who has her son ready to hate Daddy along with her, then what on earth is he still doing with her? Why is he cheating on her? Obviously, he's not so cowed by her that he's not sneaking off for some on-the-side action.
And why would you want a spineless weak guy who sneaks and cheats to solve his problems anyways??
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): He's told you many lies. You pressured him for more and he just wanted fun on the side. It's not complex.
...............................
|
