A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I apologise in advance for this being a long question, but as I need answers/advice from people outside of the situation, I have to fully explain everything. So, basically, I'm 19 years old, and was dating a boy, lets name him Jordan, for over 2 years, until recently. We'd been having problems on/off in our relationship for about a year, and despite us trying to fix them, the problems just got worse as time went on. At the start of our rocky patch, it was just silly arguments, or the feeling of boredom after the "honeymoon phase" had finished. However, it got to the point where we wouldn't communicate well with each other at all. He would constantly lie to me, hide things from me and cover them up, and eventually I just lost trust in everything he said to me. And then, due to this, I would be constantly paranoid, clingy and jealous over little things. Examples of things that have happened between us: 1. He started getting close with a mutual (female) friend of ours, talking to her everyday, and such. And then I found out, through his friends, that he was attracted to her, and he'd even said he wishes he was single. I did confront him, and he swore it was nothing more than a friendship, but soon after, I discovered a bikini photo of her on his phone, and flirty conversations between them. I confronted him again, and he cut ties with her.2. A few weeks later, he'd started getting closer with a female friend from work, similarly to the situation before, he started talking to her frequently, and the messages soon became flirty. Again, when I confronted him, he swore it was nothing. But I heard a rumour (from the girls friends) that the two had kissed one night after work. He swore to me it wasn't true, but he asked me to write a message to his friend while he was driving, and another conversation was open. It was a group chat with his friends, and they were talking about how he had kissed her, and what he should do about it, etc. At first I didn't react, and gave myself time to think. But then, one night, I confronted him, we argued, and he just said "Fine, it's over, bye". So that's where we are now...He said this to me on a Saturday night, and didn't speak to me (despite my efforts) until Monday. At which point he came around my house, begging for forgiveness, and saying that he didn't mean what he had said. So, now I don't know what to do at all? Because we both still care about each other, and I do still love him, despite everything. But I just don't know if I can ever trust him again. Since then, we've been meeting briefly, and doing our usual activities (gym, cinema and such), but it just hasn't felt the same as it did before. I can feel that he's trying to make things better, and I can tell that he really does want to be with me, I just don't know if it's enough any more. Any advice at all would be appreciated.[Moderator Note: For additional background, please refer to another recent questions submitted by the OP]http://www.dearcupid.org/question/a-mutual-friend-warned-me-the-guy-im.html
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 November 2015):
 He has already done this to you twice. And once it was with a Mutual friend? That is rather bold. (or really stupid)
He isn't thinking of your relationship as a long term thing, he is thinking of it as a hindrance to doing ALL the things (girls especially) he thinks he SHOULD/COULD be doing.
But he likes having a GF for the in-between. The fact that you now feel like you can't trust him means little to him. And unfortunately you CAN NOT trust him. Checking up on him, going through his phone, listening to gossip etc. is NOT going to help you "keep" him from cheating or trying to cheat. You, CAN NOT control his actions, only he can. And he isn't really going to do that.
He might (or might not) get smarter and hide it better - but I seriously doubt he will stop what he is doing. He just doesn't have the maturity.
He also knows that he can get you back so easily. All he have to do is give some half-arsed promises of "change". I'm sorry to tell you, but he has no respect for you. The MOMENT you stood up for yourself and confronted him - he dumped you unceremoniously with a : "Fine, it's over, bye".
My guess is that HE gets more attention when he isn't single. Which is why he wants you back.
He ins't a "bad guy" per se, but his emotional intelligence is on the VERY low end of the spectrum. And that usually ties in with immaturity.
Honey, in short - HE is not going to change. And you NEED to respect yourself more, so that a guy can't walk all over you because you "love" him. He didn't make some "little" mistake - he was ACTIVELY looking to cheat on you. HIM getting female attention (elsewhere) is more important to him than how it makes you feel.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/emotional-intelligence
You set YOURSELF some boundaries for WHAT you are OK with and what you are not - and then you STICK to them. What is the point in being in a relationship with no trust? Trust in NOT easily rebuild, sometimes it's never recovered.
TWICE he has shown you that he really.... really ... wants to be single and play the field. I'd say let him. YOU can do better. (and he knows that too)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2015): He wants to see and date other girls, and you wouldn't let go. So there's a pattern of lying and doing things behind your back. He only held-on, because you can't let go. So he waited until you got into a big enough argument that he could dump you, and make it seem it's all your fault.
When a guy starts doing things behind your back and lying to you; okay to forgive him once. If time goes by and he falters again. That's when you have a serious talk; and find out where things are going between you. Don't turn on the faucets and emotionalize; because he'll tell you what you want to hear. Which will be more lies.
If he refuses to talk about it; then he just doesn't feel like the drama, and wants things to just stay as they are. Having the benefit of a steady girlfriend, and the option to fool around behind her back. He's taking you for dumb when that happens. Only because he knows you don't have the strength to dump him. You'll forgive him, and things are back to normal.
He can continue playing his little game of flirting, getting caught, lying, and being forgiven. He'll give you all the drama you want; if you're just a drama-queen who just reacts and doesn't take any serious action. He looses respect for you, because there are no consequences for his actions. He can easily survive an argument. Fighting gives him an excuse to pull-away. He knows he has the upper-hand. You're emotional, but afraid to do anything; because you're afraid of what he'll do as soon as he's set free. You figure another girls is waiting for him, and that would destroy your ego, embarrass you, and crush your self-esteem.
That fact is, it shouldn't. He's already wearing down your self-esteem; when you don't show him your strength, and lack of tolerance for his disrespect.
Well, he's doing stuff behind your back anyway. It may as well be without you around to have to swallow his lies and
bullsh*t. Going back and forth with fights only prolongs your agony.
It's hard to let go. It's foolish to think he'll be threatened by your nagging and tantrums. Guys grow immune to all that. It's like a storm. It starts, builds in intensity, reaches full-pitch; then it's over. He'll be good for a little while, but more clever at covering his tracks. You, in the meantime, are getting-off on the boyfriend-drama. Crying buckets of tears, and whining to your girlfriends. You're living a real-life soap opera. Smart girls don't do that. Good guys don't treat smart girls like that.
He writes it off as pure "chic-stuff." You want to be taken seriously. You want his respect. If you don't get it. You dump him!!! No matter how much it hurts. If you're hurt all the time anyway, you may as well get rid of the source of irritation.
If you let guys play you, you will grow the reputation of being weak-minded, a drama-queen, and the word will get out that you're not a strong female. Guys will take their turns at playing you. Not because all guys are like that; it's because you're vulnerable and attracted to the type. So you'll suffer a string of short-termed lousy relationships with guys who basically do the same thing. If you don't learn to put your foot down with a guy, letting him know you don't tolerate flirtations with other females while he's committed to you; they'll push the envelope. If they know you'll walk, and you're a good girlfriend; they know their competition is out there waiting. Don't forget, you have options too!
Yours is a "young-love" situation; so boys aren't really good at being faithful and sensible at his age. They are curious about sex, want to show off for their friends (who are usually egging on his bad behavior), and many stupid guys think that's what guys are supposed to do. Mess around even when they've got a girlfriend. That is because there are few positive male role-models to show them any better. They see it on TV, the movies; and they may even see their own dads and brothers dog women. If they hang with a bad crowd; they'll see all their friends playing out bad-male stereotypes; and they'll mimic that same bad behavior to impress them. learn to identify the type. You're still very young and have a lot to learn.
Girls don't seem to like good-guys. So they have to suffer through a few bad-boys to teach them that you get burned when you play with fire. Nagging doesn't change a guy, and drama doesn't make him feel sorry for you. It's when you show them that you don't take any crap from boys; that they learn you're smart, strong, and confident in who you are. That earns their respect, and it also allows you to chose better matches for yourself. Boys will be boys; but they don't have to dump on girls in the process.
He's not trying to change. He's restless and bored being with one girl. So it's best to let him go and get over him; so you can move on. How long do you want to wait around for him to change? What do you want him to change into? Do you know what that should be? He has reached his expiration date as your boyfriend.
Apparently you don't mind; if you put up with him contacting girls and yet you won't dump him. When a guy cheats, kick him to the curb. Then, don't look back once you get him out of your life. Let him know there are consequences to using you like a doormat. If you've done all you can to be a good girlfriend; you know you don't deserve his cheating, or his disrespect. You will show yourself respect, by ridding yourself of bad rubbish for a boyfriend.
He'll realize how great a girlfriend you were, when you've found someone better. They always do. It's not really love that makes them want you back. It's their pride and ego, and not liking the fact you were smart enough to replace them with someone better.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (30 November 2015):
 You and your boyfriend needs to sit down and discuss boundaries. Have a long and deep conversation about what is OK to do while in a relationship and what is not ok to do. Make the list and keep it, making sure you BOTH adhere to it. Your boyfriend is young.. naturally he will enjoy flirting and talking to girls. It makes him feel good, boosts his ego. You need to communicate to him that if he is serious about this relationship with you, that he needs to leave that behind and act like A MAN who is in a committed relationship. If he is not able to do that, then you need to let go.I'd say to have that talk with him, make that list, and give him one more chance. If you catch him in a lie or doing something he shouldn't then end it. Let's work on that first, then we'll think of ways to 're-ignite' the love.Best of luck!
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